


Treading On Water, Cause I Never Learned To Swim

by andsowemeetagain



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: "I'm in love with you and I didn't know it", Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Beach Trip, Best Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Lots of drinking, Multi, Sea mechanic, The Delinquents are a big family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-12 09:28:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 47,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10487601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain
Summary: "Shit" he said, "I think I'm in love with her."Clarke choked on the beer she'd just taken a sip of."What?"In the five years since she's known him, she has never heard Bellamy Blake use the word 'love' when referring to someone other than his sister.*Or the one where Clarke and Bellamy are best friends and everything is right in the world until Bellamy falls in love with someone that isn't Clarke.Inspired by the quote: "If you love someone, be brave enough to tell them. Otherwise, be brave enough to watch them be loved by someone else."





	1. Chapter 1

Part I

  
It happened on a rainy Friday afternoon.  
  
Clarke stood up, stretching her muscles after having spent five hours sitting at her desk, writing what she (foolishly) hoped would be the last research paper she'd ever have to write.  
  
But seeing as it was only the spring semester of her second year in college, something told her that she would definitely be writing a couple more.  
  
She went to her room, finding something she could change into after her shower. She walked to the bathroom, trying to banish all thoughts of spinal cord injuries from her brain.  
  
The warm water soothed her and she finally, finally felt herself relaxing.  
  
She'd submitted the paper. There was nothing left to do but wait.  
  
Hopping out of the shower, she contemplated her decision to go out tonight. She'd spent the night before cramming for her final Bioethics exam and spent the morning taking it. Afterwards, she came straight home to finalize her research paper. She went over it more times than necessary, but it was 40% of her final grade. And even though she was doing fine in the class, she wanted to maintain her GPA and she couldn't do that if she got anything below a 90 on this paper. She wanted nothing more than to get into a pair of sweatpants and the Nirvana tshirt she'd stolen from Bellamy two years ago, get underneath the fluffy white comforter on her bed and sleep for six hours. Or thirty.  
  
But her friends had been persistent. And the semester was over, no matter what grade she got.

As she got ready, she felt the excitement bubbling in her chest. The semester was over! And even though she'd agreed to an internship over the summer, she wouldn't have class.  
  
She found herself browsing through her music library, wanting nothing more than a good tune to listen to as she got ready for her night out. She settled for Avicii and pretty soon, her mood improved even more and she stopped applying her mascara so that she could dance around the bathroom.  
  
A glance at the time made her realize that she would probably end up being late if she didn't stop dancing. So she finished applying her mascara, adding a little concealer to hide the bags under her eyes. She picked up a tube of pink lipstick and applied it to her lips.  
  
She pulled on her favorite boyfriend jeans and a flowy white tank top, leaving her hair damp and running down her back. She grabbed her phone and her wallet and made her way out of her apartment complex.  
  
The Ark was only three blocks away. It was a bar slash nightclub she and her friends went to almost every weekend. They'd tried out a couple of different places, but The Ark was where they usually ended up. She and her group were regulars. The first floor held the bar but the basement had the dancefloor so even when they didn't feel like partying, they'd go to The Ark and sit at a large table in the corner, drinking beer and making fun of one another.  
  
She figured that most of them were equally as tired and excited as she was. The semester had ended for most of them already. She'd had her last exam today but most of them had finished a couple of days before she did.  
  
Her cellphone beeped, telling her that she'd just received a text.  
  
_Raven 8:49 pm: Where ya at?_  
  
Clarke quickly texted back, telling Raven that she'd be there in a couple of minutes.

She walked into the bar and made her way towards the back. Her friends claimed that table almost every weekend and she figured that tonight would be no exception.  
  
She was the last to arrive, and she couldn't help but smile when they noticed her approaching and began to cheer.  
  
"Hey guys" she said, pulling up a chair and wedging herself between Octavia and Miller.  
  
"She's alive!" Jasper roared.  
  
"Did you submit it?" Raven asked from Octavia's other side.  
  
"She wouldn't be here if she hadn't" Miller said from beside her.  
  
Raven rolled her eyes and looked to Clarke.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, "But that is the very last thing I want to talk about right now. Somebody please get me a beer."  
  
Miller opened a Blue Moon and handed it to her.  
  
She thanked him, grateful that they'd remembered to get one for her before she arrived. She took a long sip and sighed. She glanced around the group and noticed that Bellamy hadn't come yet.  
  
"Where's Bellamy?" she asked.  
  
"He'll be a little late tonight" Octavia said from beside her.  
  
"He's got a date" Murphy yelled from across the table. "So as soon as he gets here, we grill him on it."

"A date?" Clarke asked, raising her eyebrows.  
  
She'd known Bellamy for five years. And he didn't date. He hooked up with random girls and didn't talk about it in the morning, although he had a few he went back to every couple of months.  
  
"I don't really think you can call what he does _dating_ " Clarke said. She'd scolded him about it a couple of times, telling him that he should try to get to know some of the girls he went out with. Spend more than a night or three with them. And his response was always the same: _I'm not looking to settle down. If it happens, it happens._  
  
"No" Murphy said, shaking his head. "Seriously. He's on an actual date right now."  
  
"Right" Clarke said, rolling her eyes. Murphy was kind of like Bellamy in that department. Not as bad as Bellamy, though. Murphy actually had a serious relationship a couple of years ago. Bellamy hadn't been in a serious relationship a day in his life.  
  
They continued on, chatting about the end of the semester and drinking. Clarke was pretty sure that anyone who overheard them must have thought that they were the most random, rag-tag group of friends. They all went to the University of Arkadia but their respective programs varied. She herself was working on her prerequisites to med school, getting her bachelors in science. Octavia was focusing on criminal justice. Raven and Monty were both in engineering, with Raven focusing on aerospace and Monty on biomedical. Murphy was in the graphic design program. Miller was in the criminology program while Jasper had chosen the psychology path.  
  
And yet, they were close. Closer than an average group of friends typically were. They all got together during the weekend, but Clarke couldn't remember the last time she went a day without seeing or talking to at least a couple of them.

Excitement was in the air as they discussed all of the things that they planned to do over the summer, including a week long trip to the beach at the end of June. Clarke was the only one out of the group that wasn't actually from Arkadia. She'd moved to Arkadia five years ago and she was the newest member of their group. Most of them had grown up together. But they'd all accepted her into their family when she befriended Octavia in high school.  
  
They were at various stages in their program. Raven and Monty were set to graduate the following year while the others trailed behind.  
  
About an hour later, Bellamy walked in and joined them. They made space for him at the very center of their group.  
  
He was the only one in the group that didn't attend the university. He was 26 and a history major. He was currently working on his PhD while teaching at Polaris College a few towns over. When Clarke had first met him, she had asked about why he wasted money traveling to teach at a college that was two hours away. He told her it was because he didn't want his students or his colleagues involved in his personal life. The last thing he wanted, he had said, was to come to class and realize he'd slept with one of his students.  
  
They'd had a rough start. But somewhere along the way, they slowly started becoming friends. And now, she couldn't imagine her life without him.  
  
They disagreed a lot. And they basically had different opinions on everything. It was for that reason that Clarke found it hard to be around him without screaming her head off for the first year of their friendship.  
  
But now, there wasn't anyone who knew her better than he did.  
  
"Finish your paper?" he asked from across the table.  
  
"Barely. I had to edit that last paragraph three times before I was satisfied" she said.  
  
"And your exam?"  
  
"I think I passed" she said.  
  
"I'm sure you did" he said, smirking at her.  
  
"So how was your date?" Murphy asked from beside him.  
  
"Yeah" Miller said, "Give us all the details. Have you blocked her number yet?"  
  
"Shut up" Bellamy said.  
  
"Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!" Jasper started to chant.  
  
"Please calm down" Bellamy said, rolling his eyes.  
  
Clarke felt a little confused. Had he actually gone on a date? A real date?  
  
She thought about all the times they'd talked in the past week. She and Bellamy saw each other at least twice a week. Once with the whole group. But at least once a week, typically more, they'd get together and do stuff alone. Since they were both busy with school, their hangout sessions usually involved studying and finishing assignments, all while ordering pizza and pausing to binge on Netflix for a couple of hours.  
  
This month, they were slowly but surely getting through House, M.D. much to Bellamy's dismay. She didn't care. It had been her turn to pick and the show made her feel less guilty about wasting her time. She learned something new every episode.  
  
He hadn't mentioned anything about a date. She was pretty sure that she'd remember if he had.  
  
"It went well" Bellamy said.  
  
"Is it still that same girl?" Octavia asked from beside Clarke. "The one you met a couple of weeks ago?"  
  
Clarke stared at her friends in confusion. How was it possible that she was the only one who didn't know? And what girl?  
  
"Yeah" Bellamy said. "Same one."  
  
"Holy shit" Raven said. "That's definitely gotta be a record."  
  
"It is" Octavia added.  
  
"Fuck off" Bellamy said.  
  
"So are you gonna tell us or what?" Murphy asked.  
  
"If you would stop talking over one another and quit insulting me, then yes."  
  
"Okay, okay, everyone shut up" Murphy said, glancing around the group.  
  
They all stopped talking and looked at Bellamy, waiting for him to speak.  
  
"It was great" he said. And then he smiled.  
  
"What'd you do?" Octavia asked.  
  
"Nothing really" he said, "We went to an art museum and then we walked around Polaris for a while."  
  
"That's it?" Murphy asked. "What the fuck is so great about a museum? And walking?"  
  
"I had a good time" Bellamy said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"Give us the details, man! Details!" Jasper yelled.  
  
"Yeah, tell us more about her. What's her name again? Julie? Jamie?" Octavia asked.  
  
"Gina" Bellamy said.

 _Who the fuck is Gina?_ Clarke wondered. Not only did he neglect to tell her that he had a date, but she'd never heard him utter the name _Gina_ before.  
  
"Tell us about her" Octavia said.  
  
"Alright, alright" Bellamy said. He picked his own beer up and took a long drink. "She's a professor at Polaris. An art history major. She works part time at the museum we went to and full time at the college. She lives over there but she's from Georgia. She moved there two years ago. She's funny as hell and she's kind. And holy shit, get this, she runs a non-for-profit organization dedicated to finding and identifying various historical artifacts? Can you fucking believe it?" he asked, looking around the group with a huge grin on his face.  
  
"Oh my god" Octavia said, "She sounds as nerdy as you!"  
  
"She is" Bellamy said. "We like all the same stuff. She watches the history channel for fun. She has two dogs. And she's hot. She's the whole fucking package, I swear."  
  
The others started smiling, asking him more questions about the mystery girl with excited voices and all the while, Clarke suddenly found it a little hard to breath. For some reason, she felt like a huge weight had been placed on her chest.  
  
She shook her head, trying to listen as Bellamy gushed about this Gina person.  
  
"Have you fucked her yet?" Raven asked.  
  
"No" Bellamy said.  
  
"What?" a few people exclaimed at the same time.  
  
"I know" Bellamy said, glancing around the group, looking as confused as Clarke felt. "I know. I can't believe it either."

"Why not?" Raven asked.  
  
"I don't even know."  
  
Clarke grabbed her beer and brought it up to her lips, mostly for something to do.  
  
"Shit" he said, "I think I'm in love with her."  
  
Clarke choked on the beer she'd just taken a sip of.  
  
"What?" she exclaimed before anyone else could beat her to the punch.  
  
In the five years since she's known him, she has never heard Bellamy Blake use the word 'love' when referring to someone other than his sister. And even then, she could count the number of times she'd heard him say it to Octavia on one hand.  
  
"Fuck, I don't even know. She's just-" he said, "She's perfect."  
  
"Holy shit" Monty said. "It's happening."  
  
Clarke excused herself, telling them that she was going to the rest room, when really she just wanted to try and breathe.  
  
Why hadn't he said anything? And why did it seem to bother her so much?  
  
She was no stranger to listening about the girls Bellamy had been with. She'd seen him flirting with, kissing on more girls than she could count throughout the five years of their friendship. Hell, one time he even convinced her to pretend to be his girlfriend just to get one of his more persistent one nights stands off his back.  
  
But he'd never talked about any one of them like that. And he sure as hell didn't know all those things about them, like where they were from and if they had pets or not.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath, trying to get to the bottom of what had bothered her so much.  
  
_It's because he didn't tell you,_ she thought to herself. Octavia knew Bellamy better than anyone else in their group did. But she was his sister.  
  
Clarke was his best friend, no matter what Miller or Murphy said. Why did he neglect to mention the fact that he'd met someone? And it was obvious to Clarke that they'd spent some time together, if he had met her weeks ago like Octavia had said.  
  
And it wasn't like he hadn't had an opportunity to tell her. They spent just as much time together the past few weeks as they had in the months before. They texted one another every day.  
  
So why didn't he tell her?  
  
She shook her head. Maybe he didn't think it was serious enough? But then again, he'd told the others. And it was obviously very serious, if he felt comfortable enough to tell his friends that he might be in love with her?  
  
It didn't matter. She knew, now. Pushing the weird feelings washing over her to the back of her mind, Clarke walked back in and sat down. She tried to listen, tried to get back into the conversation.  
  
They'd dropped the topic of the mystery girl and were now discussing their beach plans with Bellamy.  
  
"So when can we meet this Gina?" Raven asked.

Clarke felt her heart rate speed up, looking towards Bellamy and eagerly waiting to hear his response.  
  
"I don't know" he said.  
  
"Oh come on!" Raven exclaimed, "You can't just tell us about her and not bring her to meet the family!"  
  
"Are you embarrassed of us?" Jasper asked, "Is that it?"  
  
Bellamy thought it over for a couple moments.  
  
"Alright" he said, shaking his head. "Alright. I'll bring her. Next weekend?"  
  
The others nodded, growing excited. Throughout the years, they'd all brought a couple of people into the group. Other friends or significant others. Out of all the faces that came and went, it was usually just the eight of them.  Now, the only other people that joined them occasionally were Lincoln, Octavia's boyfriend, and Brian, Miller's boyfriend. The rest of them were single.  
  
Clarke tried to process the information. Bellamy looked up and met her gaze from across the table. She forced a smile onto her face, hopefully convincing him that she was excited. She hoped that he couldn't see the confusion in her eyes.  
  
The night went on and they continued talking about whatever it was that came to their minds. Clarke tried to join in. She tried to forget about why she suddenly felt like an outsider again.  Walking home alone, she thought about what had happened. She had no idea why he hadn't told her. And she couldn't put her finger on what had bothered her so much about the situation.  
  
As she got ready for bed, she decided that the sadness she now felt was a result of Bellamy keeping the whole thing from her. They didn't really have secrets between one another. But maybe he had his reasons for not mentioning the girl to Clarke.  
  
And maybe the idea of him with the mystery girl was upsetting because she was just that; a mystery. Clarke didn't know her. Maybe she would feel differently once she actually met the girl. She decided that the next time they hung out alone, she'd ask him. She wanted to know why he neglected to mention that he'd met someone.

* * *

 

A few days later, Clarke came home from the hospital. The internship she'd signed up for wasn't a hard one. It mostly involved sorting and checking patient charts from various floors in Arkadia Memorial and updating them to e-charts now that the hospital had decided to join the paperless era. The hospital funded the science program at Arkadia University and once she got into the med program, it would be the place that she'd cover most of her clinical hours. She needed connections.  
  
She cleaned her apartment, thinking about what to order for dinner. She had plans with Bellamy. Mostly just food and Netflix. But really, she wanted to grill him on his new relationship with Gina. Clarke wanted a better sense of the relationship before they met the girl the upcoming weekend.  
  
She'd just picked up her phone to order Chinese from a place nearby when he texted her.  
  
_Bellamy 7:26 pm: Hey, I don't think I can make it tonight. Sorry._  
  
Clarke glared at the text.  
  
They rarely ever cancelled their plans. But even so, it had happened before. She took a deep breath, swallowing the disappointment down and texted him back.  
  
_Clarke 7:33 pm: It's fine. I guess I'll just see you on Saturday?_  
  
_Bellamy 7:35 pm: You will. Sorry again._  
  
She didn't bother responding. Instead, she ordered Chinese for one and spent the night binging on House without him. He didn't like the show that much, anyway.  
  
Saturday night, she started getting ready earlier than usual. She couldn't really explain why she felt nervous. She reminded herself that it was because this was important to Bellamy. He obviously cared about this Gina person. He probably wanted his friends to like her. He probably wanted them to make a good impression on her, too.  
  
Her cellphone beeped and she unlocked to find a new text in the group chat they all shared.  
  
_Octavia 6:30 pm: We're still on for tonight, right guys?_  
  
_Murphy 6:31 pm: Why wouldn't we be?_  
  
_Miller 6:31 pm: That's the plan_  
  
_Octavia 6:32 pm: Chill, just making sure. Bell, are u still bringing Gina?_  
  
_Raven 6:35 pm: He better be. We need to meet the person he's been ditching some of us for._  
  
_Bellamy 6:37 pm: I apologized already, Raven. And no, she can't make it tonight._  
  
Clarke let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding. And instead of getting ready, she sat back down on her couch. She was relieved and she wished that she wasn't.  
  
She joined her friends at the bar with a smile on her face. And it was like a Saturday like any other. They talked and laughed. Drank and told one another about the week they'd had, now that they were out of school. Most of them had part time jobs, but a few were full time, like Raven and Miller.  
  
Clarke rose from the table, it was her turn to get them another round of drinks. Bellamy joined her and together they walked to the bar.  
  
"Are we still on for Wednesday?" Clarke asked.  
  
They hadn't texted as much in the past week. But Clarke knew that even though it was summer, Bellamy still had classes to teach and his own classes to take. He'd be working on his PhD through the summer. He had a lot on his plate.  
  
"Yeah" he said, placing a hand on the small of her back to guide her through the crowd.  
  
The touch sent a shiver up her spine. She wasn't sure why. It wasn't like it was anything new. Since they'd become good friends, personal space wasn't something that they were used to. They sat close to one another, whether it was at a table or on the couch. They were always in sync with one another, often walking side by side without even trying to.  
  
They'd hugged one another a couple of times, like when she'd had a particularly bad day at school or he'd gotten into a kind of serious argument with Octavia. And the two times Clarke had gotten her heart broken, he'd been there to hold her in silence while her tears dried on his shirt.  
  
And even so, the small touch at the bar felt different.  
  
They went back to their friends and Clarke pushed the thought away. It was probably because she hadn't seen him much in the past week. Or that's what she told herself, anyway.

* * *

 

Wednesday night, Clarke sat at a small table in a new coffee shop, Mount Weather, which had opened a couple of months back. She hadn't found the time to go, since it was a good thirty minutes away from home. But she'd heard good things and wanted to try it out.  
  
Now that she didn't have any assignments to work on or any tests to study for, she was eager to do some reading that didn't involve textbooks.  
  
While she waited for Bellamy, she ordered a large cup of coffee and a chocolate chip muffin. She grabbed her things and made her way back to the table she'd secured for them. The place was a little crowded but the table she picked was in the corner. It would give them enough privacy to talk and read their books in peace.  
  
Opening her book, she started reading the first chapter of _Gone Girl_ as she waited.  
  
The next time she looked at her phone, it was 8:20 pm.  
  
She was pretty sure that she and Bellamy had agreed to meet at eight. He was twenty minutes late and he hadn't even texted her.  
  
_Clarke 8:21 pm: Where are you?_  
  
She went back to reading while she waited for him to reply. And even though she tried to concentrate, her eyes kept flitting from the words to her phone, waiting for it to light up with a response. She continued reading, trying to get into the book.  
  
By 8:50, she couldn't wait anymore.  
  
_Clarke 8:50 pm: Hello??? Where the hell are you?_  
  
By that point, she began to worry a little. He hadn't texted her all day. Or the day before. But he'd told her that they were still on. Had he forgotten? Or had something happened to him?  
  
She put the book down. She couldn't focus on the words so there was no point in trying to read. She'd have to go back and read what she'd read up until now, anyway. After getting another cup of coffee, she sat down and decided to text Octavia. She and Bellamy lived together in an apartment just fifteen minutes from Mount Weather.  
  
_Clarke 9:00 pm: Where's Bellamy?_  
  
_Octavia 9:01 pm: I don't know. I'm out with Linc. He says hello, btw._  
  
_Clarke 9:02 pm: Oh, okay. Tell him I said hey._  
  
_Octavia 9:02 pm: Did u try texting him?_  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. She felt very agitated all of a sudden.  
  
_Clarke 9:03 pm: Yeah, no response._  
  
She waited around, drinking her coffee and shaking her leg in frustration.  
  
The next time her phone notified her that she'd gotten a text, it was 9:40.  
  
_Bellamy 9:40 pm: Fuck. I totally forgot._  
  
She didn't even get a chance to respond before he sent another text.  
  
_Bellamy 9:40 pm: I'm so sorry. Have you gone home?_  
  
All her worry faded away. He was obviously okay. And it was anger that replaced it.  
  
_Clarke 9:41 pm: What the FUCK Bellamy? I've been waiting for almost two hours._  
  
_Bellamy 9:41 pm: Shit. I'm sorry. I forgot. Please don't be mad._  
  
_Clarke 9:42 pm: Well are you coming or not?_  
  
_Bellamy 9:43 pm: I'm not in the city._  
  
She slammed the phone down on the table and rose from the chair. She shoved the book back into her tote bag and left the coffee shop.  
  
_Bellamy 9:45 pm: I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise._  
  
She got in her car and texted him back, not ready to let go of her anger.  
  
_Clarke 9:47 pm: Where are you?_  
  
It was a stupid question. She knew exactly where he was.  
  
_Bellamy 9:47 pm: I'm still in Polaris. I lost track of the time. PLEASE DON'T BE MAD._  
  
_Clarke 9:48 pm: Why would I be mad? It's not like this this is the second time you stood me up IN ONE FUCKING WEEK. Oh, wait. YES IT IS._  
  
A part of her knew that she was being a little irrational. She had a right to be angry, though. This really was the second time he'd stood her up this week. And this time, he hadn't even remembered to text her and tell her that he couldn't make it. Instead, she went there and waited on him for two hours.  
  
But maybe he really did forget. They hadn't talked much in the past few days.  
  
Even so, the anger wouldn't fade.  
  
_Bellamy 9:49 pm. I know. I'm sorry and I swear I'll make it up to you, okay?_  
  
_Clarke 9:49 pm: Whatever. Have fun in Polaris, asshole._  
  
_Bellamy 9:50 pm: Don't be like that. I'm sorry I didn't text you. I'm sorry you had to wait. But I honestly did forget, okay?_  
  
She didn't bother replying. Instead, she drove home.  
  
He texted her a couple more times, apologizing with promises to make up for it but the texts did nothing to diminish the anger that had built in her chest.  
  
She'd been stood up before by a couple of her friends. But not him. And the fact that he'd forgotten about her, the fact that he ditched her to most likely hang out with some girl she didn't even know only made her angrier. 

By the time that she got ready for bed, some of the anger had disappeared. And in its place, she began to worry again. He'd only been with this girl for about a month and he was already forgetting about Clarke. What would happen to them if he continued seeing this girl in the months to come?

* * *

 

The next two days dragged. She still hadn't texted him back. But if she let it go too easily, he wouldn't understand just how angry it had made her. Him, ditching her for someone he didn't even know that well.  
  
She had a girl’s night with Raven and Octavia on Thursday night, grateful when the two didn't bring Bellamy or his new girlfriend up all night. And when she got home on Friday night, she didn't really feel like going out. So she declined the invitation to hang out with Jasper and Monty, and decided to spend some time alone. She settled on the couch in her sweats and a thin blanket and spent a few hours reading.  
  
A couple of hours later, a knock on her door woke her up. She'd fallen asleep reading, despite the fact that she really liked the book.  
  
She tiptoed to the door and checked the peephole before opening it.  
  
Bellamy stood on the other side, holding a box of pizza in one hand and flowers in the other.  
  
"Don't be mad" he said, "I wanna make up for ditching you."  
  
She glanced him over, working to keep her face impassive. He didn't know it but he was wearing her favorite shirt: a dark blue tshirt that clung to his broad shoulders and did amazing things for his arms.  
  
"What's in the box?" she asked.  
  
"Plain cheese pizza, your favorite. And the bag on top is full of those Nutella croissants you love" he said, smirking at her.  
  
She sighed, opening the door and letting him in.  
  
He handed her the flowers with the smirk still on his face. She took the flowers into the kitchen and put them in a vase. He'd brought her another one of her favorites; pink gerbera daisies.  
  
She reluctantly brought the vase with her and placed it on top of the coffee table between her couch and the tv.  
  
He placed the two boxes on the table and sat down.  
  
"Are you still mad?" he asked.  
  
She sat down beside him and opened the bag of croissants.  
  
"Yes" she said between bites, "But I'm slightly less mad, now."  
  
"Oh come on" he said, rolling his eyes. "I apologized. And I brought you all of your favorite shit. Do you want me to rip my heart out and give it to you, would that satisfy you?"  
  
She pretended to think about it for a while.  
  
"I think I'll probably get more money for your kidney" she said.  
  
"Asshole" he muttered, giving her a playful shove.  
  
And just like that, she laughed and forgot about why she'd been angry with him. How could she stay angry when he knew exactly how to cheer her up? He remembered all of her favorite things. He settled for plain cheese pizza (which he hated) because he knew it was her favorite. He sat through three episodes of House and asked her about her week, listening as she told him all the burning details of her new internship. He let her have not only the last Nutella croissants, but the last two.  
  
And throughout the night, he asked her questions about the medical things going on in the show not because he cared but because he knew she loved medicine.  
  
She loved talking about it because there was nothing more interesting to her than the human body and all of its components. It fascinated her, what effect a bug bite or too much potassium had on the body. And all the things that helped restore it. All the things that stabilized it and all the things that could kill it.  
  
Bellamy hated science and medicine. He was more interested in history and literature. But he'd told her that she made him hate science less because she always got super excited when she talked about it.  
By the time that he got up to leave, she couldn't remember why she'd been so mad at him. Mad enough to ignore him for days. He'd forgotten about their plans but he would never forget about her. How could he? When he knew all of her favorite things in the world?  
  
She bid him a good night and closed the door behind him with a smile on her face.  
  
_Gina is a lucky girl_ , she thought absentmindedly, locking the door.  
  
A lump formed in her throat when she realized what words had just run through her head: _Gina is a lucky girl._  
  
In all her happiness, she'd completely forgotten to ask Bellamy about Gina. She'd forgotten about Gina, period.  
  
And as soon as she remembered, everything else came crashing down.  
  
And Clarke realized, in that moment, that she was jealous. She was jealous of a girl she didn't even know.  
  
She was jealous because Bellamy Blake wasn't hers anymore.

* * *

 

The next night, Bellamy brought Gina to meet the family.  
  
Clarke's nerves were at all-time high. She changed twice before leaving her apartment and showing up very late and very nervous. A part of her contemplated faking sick to avoid the whole ordeal, now that she realized all her feelings had stemmed from the fact that she was jealous of the mystery girl.  
  
But she'd have to meet her eventually. And she didn't want Bellamy's relationship with Gina to have any effect on the relationship she herself had with him. So she walked into the bar and made sure to plaster a smile on her face before she sat down. They made room for her and pretty soon she was sitting directly across from Bellamy and his new girlfriend.  
  
Gina was...she was nice. And she was pretty. It became obvious to Clarke, listening to Gina speak, that the girl was intelligent too. Overall, a very likable person.  
  
It bothered Clarke even more than she thought it would. Secretly, she'd been hoping to find something different. Someone different. Then maybe her jealousy wouldn't make her feel so bad.  
  
And yet, she only felt worse as they went into the night.  
  
Her friends were oblivious. They were all taken with Gina, too. Clarke was sure that they'd be disappointed in her if they knew what thoughts were running through her head. No matter how great Gina was, Clarke couldn't force herself to like the girl.  
  
Bellamy sat across from her, totally relaxed with his arm slung around Gina's chair.  
  
Hoping to get herself to calm down a little, Clarke went to the bar and ordered two shots. She was walking home anyway.  
  
Octavia walked up to the bar just as Clarke swallowed the second shot.  
  
"Everything okay?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, trying to use the calmest tone she could. "Why wouldn't it be?"  
  
"You seem kinda..." Octavia paused for a second. "Closed off."  
  
"Oh, uh... I guess I'm a little tired" Clarke lied.  
  
"So what do you think about her? Gina?" Octavia asked.  
  
"She's great!" Clarke exclaimed, plastering a smile on her face.  
  
"Yeah, she seems pretty cool so far."  
  
Clarke felt a little uncomfortable with the topic so she suggested that they went back.  
  
Throughout the night, she tried not to pay too much attention to Gina or Bellamy. She failed. Her eyes kept finding theirs, watching as they smiled at one another. Watching as they talked in private, having their own conversation apart from the others. She watched as they flirted with one another, staring at each other like they were the only two people in the entire bar.  
  
She grew more and more uncomfortable as the night went on.  
  
Eventually Gina told the group that she was leaving. That she had to head home. Relief washed over Clarke when she realized that the girl wouldn't be staying in Arkadia. If she stayed, she would probably stay at Bellamy's apartment and Clarke didn't want to go home thinking about what they were doing.  
  
Bellamy walked her out and before he came back, Clarke told her friends that she was tired and slipped out of the back exit. She walked home, a little drunk and a little sad.

* * *

 

The following week, she tried to distance herself from Bellamy. She figured that a little distance was for the best. That it would help her get past this jealous phase.  
  
He didn't seem to notice that her replies where short when she texted him back. And he didn't seem to notice when she stayed quieter than usual when they got together to hang out with a couple of their friends on Wednesday. He didn't seem to care when she invited Octavia to hang out with them on Friday night, even though they'd made plans to hang out alone.  
  
He didn't seem to care or notice and it only made her angry.  
  
The next day, by the time she started getting ready, she was practically seething with anger. Instead of going to The Ark, he'd told them all to come to Polaris to check out the scene there. And of course, have another hangout session with Gina.  
  
The last thing Clarke wanted was to go to Polaris and watch them flirt with one another. But everyone else was going and Clarke would be damned if she let them go without her.  
  
They took two cars and drove all the way to Polaris, meeting Gina and Bellamy at a bar close to the college they worked at.  
  
Gina told them about the city while they drank. Clarke wanted something stronger than beer but she figured that she should wait. They'd only just started the night and she didn't want to get totally wasted. Who knows what she might let slip.  
  
After a while, she got up from the table and went to the bar. She figured that she could have something stronger but take her time drinking it.  
  
She was a little surprised when Bellamy got up to follow.  
  
"You having fun?" he asked as they waited by the bar. The bartender had just taken an order from a couple of girls.  
  
"Mhm" Clarke said, turning to smile at him.  
  
"I feel like we haven't talked much lately. Is it just me?" he asked.  
  
"No" Clarke quickly said. "I mean, I know you've been busy. And I've had the internship. So..." she trailed off, finally happy that he seemed to notice.  
  
"Do you want to do something this week? Just me and you?"  
  
Her heart skipped a beat and she had to remind herself that they did stuff together all the time. He wasn't asking her anything out of the ordinary.  
  
"Yeah" she said, "I'd like that."  
  
"I'll try to show up this time" he said, smirking at her a little.  
  
"Asshole" she said, playfully shoving him to the side.  
  
He laughed and straightened up, getting the bartender's attention and ordering their drinks.  
  
While they waited, she realized just how close they stood to one another. It wasn't like it was the first time but for some reason, it felt like it. She had to remind herself that he was acting normal and she was the one who felt weird. It felt different to her but to him, it was just like any other Saturday night.  
  
"You look nice tonight" he commented, his eyes looking her over from head to toe.  
  
She felt a little blush creeping into her cheeks. She'd actually tried to look nice tonight, opting for a black dress instead of her usual shirt and pants combo. And she curled her hair for a change, letting it fall over her right shoulder.  
  
"Th-thank you" she stuttered, feeling a little embarrassed.  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
She thought back on their five years of friendship, wondering if he'd ever complimented her on her looks before. She couldn't remember if he had.  
  
Heat washed through her as they silently made their way back to their friends.  
  
Clarke tried to remind herself that the comment didn't mean anything. He'd complemented her because he thought she looked nice. He had no idea how she felt. He didn't know about the nights when sleep ran from her as she tried to get to the bottom of her jealousy and all the other feelings that had been fighting for her attention since he'd gotten a girlfriend.  
  
They went from the bar to one of the nightclubs nearby. Clarke appreciated the dim lighting and the loud music. They would make it easier for her to ignore Bellamy and Gina.  
  
After securing a table, she grabbed Octavia and Raven by their hands and lead them to the dancefloor. They danced for a couple of hours, stopping only to go to the bar to take shots. Monty and Miller were the designated drivers so they were free to get as drunk as they wanted to be.  
  
The alcohol coursing through her veins made her feel lighter. Pretty soon, she forgot all about Bellamy and his relationship. Instead, she danced with her friends.  
  
At some point Octavia left to call Lincoln. Clarke danced with Raven, ignoring the stares from the guys and girls around them.  
  
When she felt a hand on her hip, she quickly turned, prepared to tell whoever it was that she wasn't interested. Instead, she realized it was Bellamy.  
  
"Hey" he said, leaning down to get closer so that she could hear him over the loud music. "Have you seen Octavia?"  
  
His hand was still on her hip and she could almost swear that the skin underneath her dress had begun to burn. And he was so close to her, so close in the crowded room that all she could smell was him. And she loved his scent.  
  
"She went to call Lincoln" Clarke yelled back.  
  
He pulled away and she missed the heat that had come from the short distance between them. He turned to go and before she knew it, she was grabbing his hand.  
  
"Stay" she yelled, "Dance with us."  
  
He hated dancing and he hated crowds. She knew that.  
  
"Just one song!" she yelled again.  
  
He looked at her for a couple of seconds and the look on his face told her that he really didn't want to. But then he nodded his head yes and she couldn't help but smile brightly.

She pulled him towards her and began to sway a little, dancing to the beat of the song. The music changed and she heard the first few cords of one of her favorite current songs. She turned the other way, so that she could pull Raven closer and then really began to dance.  
  
She felt Bellamy's hand on her hip again and leaned back into him before she could stop herself. She figured that it was the alcohol and hoped that he wouldn't blame her for it.  
She danced between them, with Raven's back at her front and her back to Bellamy.  
  
And in that moment, everything felt right. She felt happy. She sang along to the song, moving her hips to the rhythm, ignoring the little voice in back of her mind that was telling her to stop.  
  
_Girl you know I want your love_  
_Your love was handmade for somebody like me_  
_Come on now, follow my lead_  
  
She leaned back a little further until she could feel his body pressed to hers. The grip he had on her hips became a little tighter.  
  
_Boy, lets not talk too much_  
_Grab on my waist_  
_And put that body on me_  
_Come on now, follow my lead_  
  
It sent a little chill through her and she turned to face him.  
  
The air felt a little tense. And even though their bodies were pressed to one another’s, their faces were a few inches apart. She searched his eyes, wondering if he felt the tension between them. A second later, he shook his head like he was suddenly aware of how close they were. How low his hands had settled on her hips. He leaned down and all the air left her lungs.  
  
"I should go" he yelled in her ear, dropping his hands from her hips. "Gina is probably waiting."  
  
And just like that, she snapped out of it and realized how inappropriate she'd been.  
  
She nodded and he turned away. Clarke noticed a gorgeous blonde staring at her from across the club.  
  
Just then, Octavia walked up to her and Raven.  
  
"Hey!" she yelled, "We're leaving. Jasper and Monty are waiting outside. We need to find Miller and Murphy."  
  
"What about Bellamy?" Clarke yelled back.  
  
"He's staying in Polaris tonight!" Octavia yelled.  
  
And even though she was drunk, she felt her stomach knot. She nodded and turned away, looking back at the blonde and smiling at her. While Octavia and Raven went to look for Miller and Murphy, Clarke walked up to the blonde and introduced herself, hoping there was something behind the stare.  
  
"Hey! I'm Clarke" she said.  
  
"Hey" the girl said, smiling right back. "I'm Niylah."  
  
"Wanna get out of here?" Clarke asked.  
  
A couple of minutes later, they stepped out into the summer air. Clarke looked around, noticing her friends gathered in a circle on the corner of the street.  She walked towards them and Niylah followed. When she was close enough, she asked Niylah to wait there so that she could talk to her friends.  
  
"There she is" she heard Monty say. The whole group looked at her as she made her way towards them.  
  
"I'm not coming" she said, getting right to the point.  
  
"What?" Raven asked.  
  
"I'm gonna stay. I'll get a cab in the morning. You guys drive safe."  
  
It was then that most of the group noticed Niylah waiting behind her.  
  
She turned away. She'd only taken a few steps before she felt a hand wrap around her forearm.  
  
"Since when do you have one night stands?" Bellamy asked, a hint of anger in his voice.  
  
She glared at him before yanking her arm from his grip.  
  
"Since when do you have relationships?" she spat.  
  
She turned away and didn't look back.

* * *

 

They didn't talk for the rest of the week, despite the fact that they'd made plans. Every time she picked her phone up to text him, she'd remember what happened at the club.  
  
On Thursday night, she agreed to hang out with a few of her friends. Mostly because she knew Bellamy wouldn't be there.  
  
They sat around, eating dinner at Raven's apartment. Clarke was already in a sour mood. She had a terrible day. She'd been distracted and mixed up the charts of two different patients. One of her superiors had caught the mistake, lecturing Clarke on the importance of paying attention. Reminding her that a mistake like that could bring harm to both patients.  
  
So when the topic of Gina and Bellamy came up, Clarke couldn't help but get a little agitated. It was only her, Raven, Octavia, Jasper and Monty. They began to gush about Gina. About how great she was and how happy they were for Bellamy. And before she could stop herself, she snapped.  
  
"Can you guys just shut the fuck up about Gina? For five seconds?" she snapped.  
  
The others stopped talking and stared at her.  
  
"Whoa" Jasper said, putting his hands up in defense. "Chill out."  
  
"Yeah" Octavia said, "Who pissed in your cereal this morning?"  
  
"No one" Clarke snapped. "I'm just tired of listening to it."  
  
The others looked around at one another and embarrassment washed over Clarke. The last thing she needed was for them to realize that she was jealous.  
  
"I'm sorry" she said, "I'm sorry. I had a horrible day."  
  
"What happened?" Raven asked.  
  
Clarke launched into the story, hoping it'd distract them from her little outburst.  
  
It did. But they didn't bring Gina or Bellamy up for the rest of the night.  
  
Friday night, she received a text from Octavia.  
  
_Octavia 10:46 pm: Breakfast in the morning?_  
  
Clarke asked for the place and time. She still felt a little guilty about yelling at them. It wasn't their fault that she'd become some irrational jealous monster.  
  
Saturday morning, Clarke walked into the diner at 9 am sharp.  
  
She looked around, spotting the backs of Octavia's and Raven's heads from the entrance. When she noticed Gina and Bellamy across the booth, her stomach dropped. For a second, she considered leaving. But then Gina looked up and spotted her. Clarke had no choice but to smile and walk towards them.  
  
Octavia and Raven scooted over, giving Clarke enough space to squeeze in beside them with Gina and Bellamy across from her.  
  
"Hey guys" she said, smiling.  
  
They said hello while she picked up a menu, pretending to study it when really, she just didn't want to look at Bellamy. Why the hell hadn't Octavia told her? Clarke hadn't expected to see them. And she really doubted that Gina had drove two hours just to join them for breakfast. She must have stayed the night last night.  
  
The thought made bile rise in the back of Clarke's throat. She tried to swallow it down, telling the waitress what she wanted.  
  
They made idle chitchat and still, Clarke avoided Bellamy's gaze.  
  
"So" Gina said, "What are you studying, Clarke?"  
  
"Medicine" Clarke answered. "I'm working on my premed requisites right now."  
  
A part of her felt a little hurt. That was a huge part of her life and Bellamy didn't tell his girlfriend about it? Had he told her anything about Clarke at all?  
  
"Our Clarke here is gonna be a doctor one day" Octavia said, throwing her arm around Clarke's shoulders. "Aren't you, doc?"  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes but smiled all the same.  
  
"What kind of doctor do you want to be?" Gina asked.  
  
Clarke found herself opening up a little, telling Gina a little bit about herself. She realized that Gina was someone Clarke could easily have been friends with. They ate their breakfast and continued on. Gina was insightful. She asked Clarke a few more questions about school, about her family.  
  
When she finally had the nerve to look at Bellamy, his eyes darted from hers and towards Gina. She tried to get his attention but it seemed like he was determined not to look her way. It pissed her off. Was he really mad at her?  
  
After Raven talked about her own profession for a while, Gina turned to Bellamy.  
  
"You didn't tell me your friends were so interesting, Bell" she said, a playful smile on her lips.  
  
"Well, they didn't know much about you either" Bellamy said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"That's an understatement" Clarke said.  
  
"What is?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"You didn't tell some of us about her, period" Clarke said.  
  
She could feel her heart rate speeding up. Sweat coated her palms. And she felt so, so fucking angry that for a second she was scared that she'd start screaming at him.  
  
"I brought her to meet you guys, didn't I?" Bellamy asked. If she hadn't known him so well, she would have missed the frustration laced within the words.  
  
"Yeah" Raven added from the side. "He must really like you."  
  
Gina smiled fondly at Bellamy and he smiled back.  
  
"He must" Clarke said. "He's never brought a girl to meet us. Although, he's never had an actual girlfriend before."  
  
_Shut up,_ she told herself. _Shut the fuck up right now._  
  
"What?" Gina asked, her eyes wide with surprise. And excitement. "I'm you first girlfriend?"  
  
To Clarke's annoyance, she seemed happy at the thought.  
  
"I've had girlfriends before" Bellamy said, looking at Clarke like he was angry.  
  
"Hah!" Clarke said, "What a joke. You've never been in a serious relationship a day in your life."  
  
The more rationale part of her told her to shut up again but she ignored it. Instead, she faced Gina.  
  
"Bellamy isn't exactly boyfriend material" she said, "He's not into relationships. He's the kind of guy that sleeps with you and doesn't call back when he said he would. And that's assuming he took the time to ask for your phone number afterwards."  
  
The fond look vanished from Gina's face. Octavia and Raven both turned to stare at Clarke, saying nothing. Bellamy clenched his jaw and glared at Clarke.  
  
She glared right back.  
  
"But hey" she said, still staring at him, "People can change. Can't they?"  
  
No one said anything and Clarke couldn't find it in herself to take the words back, or smile and laugh like it was all some big joke.  
  
"I'm gonna go" she said, glancing around the table. "Enjoy the rest of your day."  
  
She got up and left without another word. By the time that she was halfway home, she started to regret what she'd said.  
  
Her cellphone beeped and she picked it up. He heart hammered in her chest when she realized it was from Bellamy.  
  
_Bellamy 9:59 am: What the FUCK Clarke?_  
  
She put the phone down. Not a second later, she got another one.  
  
_Bellamy 9:59 am: Did I do something? Why the fuck would you say that? What the fuck is wrong with you?_  
  
Angry tears blurred her vision as she threw the phone back onto the car seat.  
  
Once she was home, she laid back down in bed and thought about what she'd just done. What she'd said and what they all thought about her now. What were Raven and Octavia thinking? And what about Gina? She knew Bellamy was angry. Livid, probably. But she couldn't find it in herself to text him back and apologize.  
  
She felt so angry and so disappointed with herself. She'd never done something like that before.  
  
It was then and there, crying in her bed on a Saturday morning, when she finally had to accept it. She was in love with Bellamy Blake.

* * *

 

Saturday night, she convinced herself to get out of bed and go to The Ark. She needed to make up for what she'd done that morning. She had to apologize to Bellamy, to Gina, in person. She didn't want to text her apology. It wouldn't be enough.  
  
So she got dressed and walked to The Ark with her shoulders slumped.  
  
Octavia and Raven stared at her when she arrived, looking a little worried. Gina wasn't there and Bellamy avoided her gaze. She sat down, nervously, praying that she hadn't ruined whatever they had with her little outburst.  
  
The others began to talk and Clarke leaned over to get Raven's and Octavia's attention.  
  
"Where's Gina?" she asked.  
  
"She went home" Octavia said.  
  
"Is she- I mean, are they okay?" she asked.  
  
"They're fine" Octavia said. "No thanks to you."  
  
"Gina had to work" Raven quickly added, "That's why she left."  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you? What got into you this morning?" Octavia quietly asked.  
  
"I-I don't know" Clarke said, looking down. She felt so ashamed.  
  
"That wasn't cool, Clarke. You're lucky that Gina likes Bellamy enough to ignore all that shit you said" Octavia said.  
  
"I know" Clarke responded, "I know. I messed up. I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to" Octavia said, turning away.  
  
Clarke tried to work up the confidence to ask Bellamy if they could talk alone. But he was ignoring her and she still felt too nervous to say anything. An hour later, he stood up to go to the bar and she decided that it was her chance. She needed to apologize.  
  
"Hey" she said, catching up to him. "Can we talk?"  
  
"About what? Or do you just want to insult me some more?"  
  
"Bellamy, come on."  
  
He looked at her for a few moments before nodding.  
  
They walked outside for some privacy. He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. She timidly walked up and stood beside him, leaning back onto the wall.  
  
"So? Talk" he said.  
  
"I just wanted to apologize" she said. "I shouldn't have said those things. And I'm sorry."  
  
He rolled his eyes and she tried not to get frustrated.  
  
"Why did you say them, though?" he asked. "And why have you been ignoring me all week?"  
  
"I haven't" she lied, "I-I just..."  
  
"You've been acting weird for weeks. What is it? Spit it out."  
  
"It's nothing" she said, crossing her own arms.  
  
"It's obviously something" he said. "What did I do? I know you're mad about something. Otherwise you wouldn't have been such a bitch this morning."  
  
She was apologizing and he called her a bitch.  
  
"Nothing I said wasn't true" she said before she could stop herself.  
  
"But it has nothing to do with you. It's none of your fucking business even if it is true" he said. She was right. He was definitely angry.  
  
His words sunk in.  
  
_It has nothing to do with you.  
_  
"You are such an asshole" she said, moved to anger herself. "I'm trying to apologize and-"  
  
"I don't want your half assed apology, Clarke. Especially since you won't even be honest" he spat.  
  
"Fuck you!" she yelled. "I don't even fucking care! Do whatever the hell you want!"  
  
"Why the fuck are you getting angry? I'm not the one that tried to sabotage your relationship."  
  
"I-I wasn't trying to sabotage anything, Bellamy."  
  
"Whatever" he said, standing up straight. "All I know is, you've been acting weird and you're not even bothering to tell me why."  
  
"I'm acting weird? You're the one that's changed!" she yelled, moving to stand directly in front of him so that she could yell at him properly.  
  
"How the fuck have I changed?"  
  
"You didn't even tell me!" she screamed. "You didn't even tell me about her! And you fucking ditched me to hang out with her!"  
  
"I already fucking apologized for that!" he yelled back, "And I'm sorry for not telling you. But you have no fucking reason to be mad about that. I don't have to tell you everything."  
  
She glared at him. This was not the way she had imagined her apology going.  
  
"You're right. You don't have to tell me anything" she said, her voice calm now. "Do whatever the hell you want. And I take back my apology. I meant every word I said this morning. At least I was telling her the truth."  
  
"I don't fucking care if you meant what you said" he said. "I don't need you're fucking input. And I sure as fuck don't need _you_ of all people giving me shit about my relationship."  
  
"What does that mean?" she asked, " _Me_ of all people?"  
  
"You're the last person I would ever ask for relationship advice, that's what. So I don't care what you think."  
  
"And why's that?" she asked through clenched teeth.  
  
"You give me shit for sleeping around. You give me shit for getting into a relationship. Like you're so fucking perfect" he said, "Meeting shitty people and giving them 120 percent, settling for 30 in return and then wondering why they end up cheating on you or leaving your ass."  
  
Her mouth dropped. She couldn't believe that he'd just thrown that back in her face. He knew exactly how hurt she'd been the two times she'd given herself over to someone, only to be cheated on by one and left by the other.  
  
"Clarke" he said, regret washing over his face. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I-"  
  
"Fuck you!" she yelled, shoving him back. "Fuck you!"  
  
She rushed past him and into the bar. Storming towards the table, she ignored all the looks of concern from her friends and grabbed her cellphone and her wallet.  
  
"Clarke, is everything okay?" Octavia asked.  
  
She ignored the question, taking her things and leaving.  
  
"Clarke, I'm sorry" Bellamy said, grabbing her hand to stop her once she'd gotten outside. "Just talk to me and-"  
  
She yanked her hand from his.  
  
"I don't care anymore" she said, her voice coming out a lot calmer than she thought it would. "I don't fucking care, Bellamy. Do whatever the fuck you want with whoever you want to. Just leave me alone."  
  
She turned away and walked home as fast as she could.

* * *

 

 _Bellamy 10:56 pm: I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it._  
  
_Bellamy 11:08 pm: Will you pick up? I don't want it to be like this with us. Please just talk to me._  
  
_Bellamy 11:30 pm: Oh my fucking god. I know you're in there. Can you answer the fucking door? Please?_  
  
_Bellamy 11:49 pm: Fine. Whatever._  
  
She knew that she would have to face him, eventually. But she didn't think she could. Not yet. Not after everything he'd said. Not after everything she'd said.  
  
And no matter how angry he'd made her, no matter how much his words had hurt, she knew that she fucked up first by the little outburst at breakfast. She laid in bed, thinking about all the things they'd said to one another. He was her best friend. Of course he would know what bothered her the most. And when she'd hurt him, he knew exactly how to hurt her back.  
  
That wasn't them. They didn't do that to one another. They hadn't argued like that since that first year, back when they weren't even friends. She loved him so much. She couldn't bear the thought of not being in his life, even if it was just as a friend. He was too important, too special to give up.  
  
With that in mind, she decided that it was her who had to make it up to him this time.

The next morning, she hopped out of bed, determined to fix her relationship with Bellamy. She knew that he'd been just as hurt as she had been. Maybe even more so, after she ignored him all night. And it wasn't his fault that she was a walking cliché. The girl who fell in love with her best friend but didn't realize it until he fell in love with someone else.  
  
She didn't want to be that girl. But it wasn't like she could help it.  
  
But before that, she'd been his best friend. His person. And she would settle for that, since he was in love with someone else.  
  
She went to the grocery store first, getting all the ingredients she'd need to make him his favorite dinner. A nice bottle of wine. Afterwards, she stopped by the bakery and got something for dessert. At home, she cleaned her apartment. She found the most boring history documentary she could think of and hooked her laptop up to the tv so they could watch it.  
  
She swallowed her pride and texted him first.  
  
_Clarke 2:20 pm: Hey. Do you want to do something tonight?_  
  
She waited on the couch with her phone in her hand. When she saw those three little dots, telling her that he was responding, her heart lodged into her throat.  
  
_Bellamy 2:27 pm: Sure. What do you have in mind?_  
  
_Clarke 2:27 pm: Can you come over tonight?_  
  
_Bellamy 2:28 pm: Alright._  
  
She sighed. Relief washed over her. He was probably still mad but he agreed.  
  
_Clarke 2:29 pm: Okay. See you at 7._  
  
She started cooking around five, giving herself enough time to get everything ready before he got there.  
  
She was pouring wine into two glasses when she got another text.  
  
_Bellamy 6:34 pm: Gina just showed up. I don't think I can make it._  
  
A lump formed in her throat. Anger and disappointment fought for her attention.  
  
_Bellamy 6:36 pm: Fuck, I'm sorry. But she drove two hours to surprise me._  
  
Clarke stared at her phone, thinking about what she wanted to say. _She couldn't wait until tomorrow to see you? Are you ditching me again?_  
  
But she figured he would just remind her that he tried to come by last night and she didn't open the door.  
  
_Bellamy 6:39 pm: I'm so sorry. I can ask her to wait and come by for a bit if you want to talk? Or she could come with me?_  
  
Both of those options made her feel like shit. He'd leave his girlfriend to spend half an hour here and then go back? Bring his girlfriend only to find that Clarke had prepared enough of everything for just the two of them?  
  
_Bellamy 6:41 pm: Please respond. I know you got these messages._  
  
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Hating that she could already feel the tears stinging behind her eyes. This would be their relationship from now on; her, taking the back seat to his relationship with Gina.  
  
_Clarke 6:42 pm: its fine. You don't have to come._  
  
_Bellamy 6:42 pm: Are you mad?_  
  
_Clarke 6:43 pm: No, Bellamy. I'm not mad. Have a good time._  
  
She sighed and put her phone down. Looking around her apartment, she started feeling embarrassed about the dinner sitting on the coffee table and the documentary that was paused on her tv. She took both glasses of wine with her to the couch and laid down.  
  
After finishing the two glasses, she got up and grabbed the whole bottle. She drank the entire bottle as she wallowed in her own misery.  
  
By 10, she finished half of another.  
  
She picked her phone up, already regretting what she was about to send.  
  
_Clarke 10:12 pm: If I would have asked you to come and stay would u have?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:16 pm: What?_  
  
_Clarke 10:17 pm: If I would have asked you to come and stay, would you have?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:18 pm: Yeah. I would have._  
  
_Clarke 10:19 pm: Really?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:19 pm: Really._  
  
_Clarke 10:20 pm: Okay. Goodnight._  
  
_Bellamy 10:21 pm: Is everything okay?_  
  
_Clarke 10:23 pm: I don't know. But this is the last time you'll ditch me._  
  
_Bellamy 10:23 pm: I'm sorry, okay?_  
  
_Clarke 10:25 pm: You always are._  
  
She knew she shouldn't be drunk texting him. Especially since he was at home with his girlfriend. She put the phone down and slid it under the couch for good measure. Turning on the documentary, she started to watch it. But it only made her miss him more.  
  
Twenty minutes later, she heard a knock on her door. Her head snapped up. Her heart rate sped up and she jumped from the couch.  
  
Had he come?  
  
She was so happy and so excited that she didn't even bother checking the peephole. She threw the door open and found Octavia waiting on the other side.  
  
Disappointment. It was all she could feel.  
  
She opened the door and let Octavia in, wordlessly. Octavia glanced around the room, noticing the history documentary playing on the tv and the untouched dinner for two on the coffee table. She raised an eyebrow when she noticed the bottles of wine.  
  
Clarke dragged herself to the couch and flopped down. Octavia sat down beside her and for a little while, they didn't talk. She could feel all the frustration building. The anger and the sadness. And since she was drunk, it somehow felt a lot worse than before.  
  
She put her head in her hands.  
  
It wasn't until Octavia put a hand on her back that Clarke began to cry.  
  
Tears slipped through her fingers. Octavia moved closer and wrapped Clarke into her arms. Clarke leaned in and let Octavia's shirt soak up her tears.  
  
After what felt like hours, Clarke finally stopped crying. Octavia continued holding her, stroking her hair.  
  
"Maybe you should tell him" she quietly suggested.  
  
"Tell him what?" Clarke asked. "He's never...he's never thought about me like that. He's happy. I don't want to ruin our friendship."  
  
"You won't, Clarke" Octavia said. "But you not telling him will."

* * *

 

The next day, they made plans to hang out the upcoming Wednesday.  
  
After making the plans, Clarke thought about all the things she'd say to him. She thought about telling him how she felt. She imagined different scenarios of the outcome. Him, being angry at her for falling in love with him. Telling her that he was happy and that they shouldn't be close anymore.  
  
Or worse, him being understanding. Patting her on the back or ruffling her hair, telling her he was sorry but he _just didn't feel that way._  
  
Those were the only two scenarios she could imagine.  
  
So when Wednesday night came, Clarke found herself sitting on her couch, chewing on her nails and trying not to down the glass of wine she held in her hand.  
  
A knock on her door sent her into panic mode.  
  
_It's just Bellamy_ , she thought. _You can tell him anything._  
  
She opened the door and let him. They walked to the couch and sat down across from one another. Clarke felt a little awkward. And if his body language was anything to go by, he felt the same.  
  
"So..." he began. ”Shit this is awkward."  
  
She couldn't help but smile.  
  
And he smiled when he saw her smiling.  
  
"I'm sorry" he said, "I'm sorry for what I said. And I'm sorry for bailing on you again."  
  
"Its okay" she said, "I'm sorry too. For what I said. I didn't mean it."  
  
"I didn't either."  
  
They stared at one another and Clarke hated the distance between them. Something between them had changed. She could feel it.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Please just tell me. You can tell me anything, you know that right? What's been up with you lately?"  
  
"I just-" she began. She grabbed her glass of wine, taking a long sip. She hoped that it would help her relax. He waited for her to go on. "I just feel like you've been distant. You didn't tell me about her. I had to find out from the others. And that night, when you forgot about me and just left me waiting for you, I-" her voice cut off.  
  
He still didn't say anything.  
  
"I guess I just..." she tried again, "At first I was worried that you're relationship with her would change things between us. And now it has. I get it, you have her now. But I feel like you're slowly distancing yourself from me. You've become that person. The person that ditches their friend because they met someone. And I'm just so used to you putting me above your other friends that now...now when I'm taking the back seat...I feel like you're drifting away from me and I can't do anything to fix it."  
  
She looked away. She told him most of what was bothering her. Not all of it. Not yet.  
  
He scooted closer to her and took her hand in his.  
  
"I'm sorry if I made you feel that way" he said. "I know I haven't been around much and...I'm sorry. But I meant what I said. If you would have told me to come and stay, I would have."  
  
"But that's the thing" she said, "I've never had to tell you before. I'm not gonna beg you to spend time with me, Bellamy. I want you to want to come and stay. That's the problem. Don't you see that?"  
  
"I know" he said. "I know. But everything with Gina is so...so new. And I guess I just figured you'd roll with it. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I never meant to. She's my girlfriend but you're..."  
  
He trailed off and she looked up at him. He looked around the room, like he was trying to figure out what word to use.  
  
"You're Clarke" he said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"I'm glad you know my name" she said, unable to stop herself from teasing him.  
  
"Shut up" he said, rolling his eyes. He looked back down at her. "You're Clarke. And no friend or girlfriend could ever take your place" he ran his thumb over the top of her hand. "I love you, Clarke."  
  
She was pretty sure that her heart had completely stopped.  
  
"You-what?" she asked.  
  
"I love you" he said, placing his other hand on top of hers. "You're my person. My best friend. You know that I love you. Don't look so surprised."  
  
She forced a smile onto her face. As happy as she'd been a second ago, now she felt nothing. He loved her. He wasn't in love with her. She tried to hide the disappointment, giving his hand a little squeeze.  
  
"Can we just..." he began, "Can we move on from this? I don't want to fight with you. I want us to be okay again."  
  
"Alright" she said. "Yeah."  
  
"Is there anything else you want to say?" he asked.  
  
"No" she said, shaking her head and forcing a smile onto her face. "No I think I said everything I wanted to say. Let's-let's just forget about this, okay?"  
  
"Alright" he said. "House?"  
  
She nodded, pulling up her Netflix account and starting an episode. She got up to turn the lights off and sat down across from him. She looked at him, watching the way the lights from the tv danced across his face. He looked up and caught her staring, giving her a small smile before she turned away.  
  
He nudged her with his foot and she looked back up. He moved onto his side and patted the spot next to him with a smile on his face.  
  
She moved until she was lying beside him on the couch. On her side, facing the tv.  
  
He brought his arm up and wrapped it around her middle and they settled in to watch.  
  
She felt warmth rushing through her.  
  
_This is what it's supposed to be like,_ she thought to herself. _You and me, on a summer night. Watching Netflix and falling asleep together._  
  
He laid behind her, completely oblivious to the fact that she was in love with him.

* * *

 

Things went back to normal. Well, as normal as they could be, with Clarke keeping her feelings to herself and Bellamy being totally oblivious to them.  
  
She tried to push the thoughts away. He was her friend. And he was in love.  
  
It was her duty, as his best friend, to be happy for him. So she tried. Really.  
  
About two weeks later, she was finally getting used to the idea of him with someone else. And she was used to bottling the feelings that would now arise at random moments. She swallowed down the urge to hold his hand whenever his knuckles brushed against hers. She tried not to stare at his lips too long when she was sure he wasn't looking. She tried to remember how she felt before, when he would casually put a hand on her hip or sit close enough that their legs were touching.  
  
But everything felt calculated now. She couldn't remember how she used to look at him. Or how his smile used to make her feel. Or what thoughts used to keep her up at night, if any. She couldn't remember how she used to react, when he placed a hand on her knee to get her attention.  
  
She couldn't remember a time when she wasn't in love with him, although she knew that time had to exist.  
  
She waited around at his and Octavia's apartment on a Wednesday night, along with the rest of her friends, for Bellamy to come home. It was his birthday and they were going to surprise him with a small party, despite the fact that he'd told Octavia very specifically that he didn't want one.  
  
He was coming home later than usual. Gina was coming with him. She was in on the plan and it was up to her to give them enough time to set everything up before they got home.  
  
Everything was ready and they sat by, waiting for Gina's text so that they could turn the lights off and jump out and surprise him. Clarke fumbled with the gift in her hands, wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper because she had forgotten to get any other kind.  
  
She had thought long and hard about what to get him. In the years before, she had never had a problem with gift giving. She always knew what to get him, be it for his birthday or any other special occasion. But this year, everything she thought of felt...wrong. It upset her to the point of tears. Everything between them had been so easy. She'd never have to think twice about what to say to him or what kind of gifts to give him.  
  
And now, every text message was re-read and re-written. She'd think about what she would say to him before she said it. She couldn't even pick out a stupid fucking present without days and days of consideration.  
  
In the end, the gift she chose wasn't something she chose because it was perfect. She'd chosen it because she'd run out of time.  
  
A stupid mug and a mix CD. Okay, so, the mug wasn't a terrible idea. They'd recently gotten into Game of Thrones, and she specifically remembered them arguing about what house they were from. Bellamy was convinced that Clarke would have been a Lannister in another life. Clarke was convinced that Bellamy would have been a Stark, even though he didn't agree. He didn't think he was good enough to be a Stark. With that in mind, she'd ordered a House Stark mug from Amazon. It was one of those that changed pictures when a hot liquid was poured into it.  
  
So she got the mug. But it didn't feel like enough.  
  
Bellamy was the kind of person who didn't listen to music as often as the people around him did. But he had an old radio he kept in his room, along with a box of old CD's. They were his mothers. She was big on music, from what Octavia had said. Clarke had browsed through the box of CDs, a long time ago, appreciating the woman's variety of music choices. She'd had everything from Fleetwood Mac to The Notorious B.I.G.  
  
So Clarke browsed her library and picked out 16 songs that she thought Bellamy would enjoy. She hoped he would, because they reminded her of him.  
  
And now, sitting in his apartment and waiting for him to come home, she started to second guess her choice. Maybe it wasn't enough? Or maybe it was too much? A mix CD of all the songs that reminded her of him? To Clarke, it was starting to sound like a part of a cheesy 90s film. A sad girl, in love with her best friend, decides to make him a mix CD.

 _Oh my god, I'm so fucking pathetic._  
  
She worried her bottom lip. But then Octavia got a text and it was too late to leave and get him something else.  
  
They turned the lights off and held their breaths, listening to the sound of Bellamy's muffled voice coming from the other side of the door. The heard him using they key to unlock it, and the door being opened.  
  
As soon as the lights were turned on, they jumped from behind their hiding spaces and yelled "Surprise!" at the top of their lungs.  
  
Bellamy jumped back, clearly startled for a second, before rolling his eyes as they assaulted him with hugs and _happy birthdays!_  
  
He gave Clarke a knowing look when it was her turn to hug the birthday boy, silently telling her that she'd be hearing about this later. She smiled smugly, and tried not to think about her hug too much.  
  
"I don't know why I'm surprised" he said, making his way towards the living room. "Not like you all listen to what I say."  
  
"Oh come on!" Octavia exclaimed.  
  
"And you" he said, turning towards Gina, "Traitor."  
  
"Sorry babe" Gina said, fighting a smile.

They smiled at one another like there was a secret between them, one that the others in the room weren't in on. And even though the jealousy lingered somewhere inside of her, Clarke smiled. Seeing him happy made her happy.  
  
_That's what love is about, isn't it?_ She thought to herself. _Being happy because they're happy._  
  
The night was surprisingly pleasant. Everyone seemed relaxed, even before the drinks started being poured. They laughed with one another and told their favorite Bellamy stories. Some of them just told the ones that they found the most embarrassing.  
  
Clarke couldn't help but appreciate the night. She was with her best friends, her family. They always made her feel better, even if they didn't know it.  
  
"Okay!" Octavia yelled, rising from the couch "Present time!"  
  
The others grabbed their presents and turned their attention to Bellamy while Clarke suddenly became a little preoccupied with her cuticles. She wondered how awkward it would be, if she asked to give him his present privately. Probably very awkward. The others knew that the two of them were close. But even so.  
  
They went around, giving him various gifts that somehow seemed to describe their relationships with Bellamy perfectly. Octavia, for example, had gotten him a jersey with the words "Big Blake" on the back. Clarke knew Octavia had "Little Blake" on her matching one. Lincoln had planned a day trip for the two of them the next week, visiting Bellamy's favorite shooting range. And so on.  
  
When it was finally her turn to go, like a coward she turned to Gina and told the girl to go first.  
  
"Alright!" Gina said excitedly, standing up and finding the tote she had brought in with her. She reached inside and pulled out a book. As she made her way back to the group, Clarke got a glance at the cover. _The Iliad.  
_  
She handed the book to Bellamy and for a few seconds, he didn't say anything.  
  
"You said your mom used to read you all these stories, right?" Gina asked.  
  
Everyone else stayed quiet.  
  
"Y-Yeah" Bellamy stuttered, "Thank you."  
  
And the way he was looking at her made Clarke look away.  
  
_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ She would have never thought of getting him something that special. Something that thoughtful. _Of course!_ she thought. She knew about the stories. He'd told her, about a year ago, when they were both very drunk and very alone. She realized, in that moment, just how close he was to Gina.  
  
"Clarke?" Raven said.  
  
Clarke looked up and found that the rest of them were staring at her. She must have zoned out. She wasn't sure how much time had passed or how long they had been looking at her. She shook her head, trying to compose herself.  
  
"I-Right" she stammered, reaching for the package in her lap. Her stupid present wrapped in stupid Christmas wrapping paper.  
  
She handed the gift to Raven who passed it down the circle to Bellamy.  
  
He looked up at her with a smirk on his face and she tried to smile back like she was relaxed. He unwrapped the gift, saying something about the wrapping paper that she couldn't decipher and opened the gift.  
  
The mug was still in its original box, he didn't have to open it to see what it was. And the CD was in a clear case, with the words _For You On Your Birthday -Love, Clarke_ written in black permanent marker. He studied the CD for a couple of moments before turning his attention to the mug.  
  
"House Stark" he said, looking up at her and giving her a smile that now made her heart hurt.  
  
She nodded while the other chatted excitedly.  
  
"Who uses CD's anymore?" Murphy asked.  
  
"Shut up, Murphy" Bellamy said. "Should I listen now, or?"  
  
"No!" Clarke exclaimed, a little too loudly. "I mean, it's not really party music. Just-just..."  
  
The others were quiet and Clarke wished that the floor would open up and swallow her whole.  
  
"I mean, it's just for you. Like, songs that- that I picked for you and.." she stammered, aware of all the eyes that were now glued to her reddened cheeks.  
  
"Okay. Thank you, Clarke" Bellamy said, with a shy smile on his face.  
  
"You're welcome" she said, wishing that she'd done this in private.  
  
"So" Octavia said, "How about some cake?"  
  
To Clarke's relief, the others started talking about cake and other random things, dropping the topic of her embarrassing present.  
  
The rest of the night passed quickly. When it was almost time to go, Clarke started to worry about her stupid present again. Gina was obviously staying the night. And the idea of him listening to the CD with Gina in the room made Clarke so uncomfortable that for a moment, she considered stealing the CD and making him think he'd misplaced it.  
  
It was a stupid idea. So she settled for trying to casually talk to him about it.  
  
While the others were grabbing their things to leave, she made her way towards him.  
  
"Hey" she said, "I-I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday again."  
  
"Thank you" he said, smiling at her. "I had a good time. Even though I specifically asked you to tell me if Octavia planned something like this."  
  
"It must have slipped my mind" Clarke said, fighting a smile of her own.  
  
"Right" he said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Uh," she began, "About the CD. It's no big deal, really, but I...I really did make it just for you so, uh, I'd appreciate it if you listened to it....alone" she awkwardly finished, staring at her feet.  
  
"That was the plan" he said.  
  
And a weight lifted off of her chest.  
  
"Okay" she said, looking back up at him. "Good."  
  
Going home that night, she started worrying about the CD again. What if he hated it? Or worse, what if it made him uncomfortable?  
  
She sighed, realizing there wasn't anything she could do at this point. He'd listen to it and all she could hope was that he wouldn't read too much into the lyrics of the songs she'd chosen. And if he did, she hoped he would think it was platonic love all those songs were describing.

* * *

 

A few days later, they were at their usual spot at The Ark, discussing their upcoming beach trip. Clarke was excited. Her internship wasn't hard. But she was getting sick and tired of waking up early and doing paperwork for the better half of her day. And a trip to the beach sounded great. A whole week at the beach! Time to relax and enjoy the company of her friends, spending their days swimming and tanning and their nights drinking around a bonfire.  
  
So she was excited.  
  
They were discussing on who would be driving, what they would bring. They planned to leave that Friday night and come home the next Sunday afternoon. They'd all pitched in and rented a beach house big enough to accommodate their party.  
  
Octavia was bringing Lincoln and Miller had invited Brian.  
  
_The more the merrier!_ Clarke had said. And then, Bellamy told them that Gina would be joining. She couldn't take the whole week off, so she'd be coming down by herself the following Friday. It was only two days, really, that she'd be with them. Clarke tried to tell herself that she had to be okay with it. The others were bringing their significant others. So naturally Bellamy had invited her before asking any of them. Not like any of them would have a problem with it...  
  
Since it was the ten of them, they'd be taking three cars, just to have enough room for all of them and the various items they were bringing.  
  
Without thinking about it, Clarke agreed to go with Bellamy in his car, along with Octavia and Lincoln. Murphy and Raven would be going with Monty. Jasper would ride with Miller and Brian.  
  
Clarke was the last person home on Friday night. But she'd remembered to pack all her things the night before, so she quickly took a shower and waited by her building for Bellamy to pick her up.  
  
Seeing Octavia and Lincoln in the back told her that she'd be riding up front beside him, so after putting her things in the truck she got into the passenger seat and they were off.  
  
"Here you go" Bellamy said, almost as soon as she'd gotten inside.  
  
He pulled away from the curb as she took the book he had handed her and studied the cover.  
  
_Dark Places_ , the title read.  
  
She looked up at him, a question in her eye.  
  
"You said you really liked that other book? _Gone Girl_? thought you might like this one" he said, "It's by the same author."  
  
"Did you read it?" she asked.  
  
"Nope" he said, "But if it's any good I'll check it out."  
  
It was all so casual but she couldn't stop the warmth that rushed through her. She couldn't fight the smile on her face as she thanked him for the book. She'd told him about _Gone Girl_ almost a month ago. And he remembered and thought about it enough to get her something else to read for their four hour drive.  
  
She pushed the feelings aside, reminding herself that he was he friend and that he did stuff like this all the time. Even so, it was thoughtful.  
  
Suddenly, she remembered the CD she'd made him for his birthday. He'd never said anything about it. Had he listened to it? He must have. She wanted to ask about it. But with Octavia and Lincoln laughing in the back, she couldn't. She decided that she'd ask him about it when they were alone.  
  
The ride was uneventful and yet, fun. She had a good time, talking to her friends and playing a dumb game of _I Spy._ Eventually, Octavia decided to take a nap and Clarke decided to read the book Bellamy had gotten her.

It was perfect. Dark, thrilling. With just enough emotion to make her forget about her own life.  
  
The sun had set by the time they arrived. They unloaded their bags while waiting for the others to join.  
  
There were four rooms. It was understood that the two couples with them, Octavia and Lincoln and Miller and Brian, would get two of the rooms. They waited for the others to come before deciding on the other two.  
  
Clarke left her things in the living room and made her way into the kitchen where Octavia was mixing margaritas with more tequila than anything else.  
  
Lincoln decided to get started on dinner while the other three sat around in the kitchen, offering to help but mostly sipping on their drinks and teasing one another.  
  
After another half an hour, the rest had joined them.  
  
They ate dinner and drank too much, and before Clarke knew it, it was 1 am and she was tipsy.  
  
"Okay" she said, standing up and calling the room to attention, "Who gets the other two rooms? I'm getting sleepy and if we want to watch the sun rise, we'd better get to sleep."  
  
"Party pooper!" Jasper exclaimed, "We're just getting started!"  
  
"Come on guys" Clarke said, rolling her eyes and trying not to stumble as she made her way towards her bags.  
  
"Jasper and I can sleep in the living room" Monty said, "Remember when we made that awesome pillow fort? We should do it again!" he exclaimed, quickly standing up. "Is the room moving or is it just me?" he asked.  
  
"Alright" Murphy said, rising to his feet. "What do you say, Reyes? Me, you and a fluffy bed?"  
  
"In your damn dreams" Raven said, rolling her eyes. "No, wait. Not even then."  
  
"Come on! You said we could!" Murphy exclaimed.  
  
The others glanced at one another as Raven's usually tan cheeks suddenly became a little red.  
  
"I said no such thing" she said.  
  
"Yeah you did" Murphy said, "You said it when-"  
  
"Okay!" Raven exclaimed, rising to her own feet. "Let's go."  
  
She grabbed Murphy by the hand and led him down the hallway. The rest of the group listened, hearing a soft thud before a loud _OW!_ coming from Murphy.  
  
They began laughing at the same time, wondering what the hell had happened.  
  
Bellamy made his way to his own things, grabbing his bag and walking back towards Clarke.  
  
"I guess it's just you and me" he said, smirking at her.  
  
Clarke tried to smile back, despite the fact that she suddenly became very nervous. She followed him down the hall to the room on the left, trying to control her thoughts.  
  
_Right. You and me. Until you're girlfriend joins us and I take the damn couch._  
  
They set their things down and Clarke tried to remind herself that this was no big deal. That she and Bellamy had shared a bed before. They'd napped together on his and her couch. And a couple of times, when Bellamy was too drunk to go home and alone, he'd go back to her apartment from The Ark and they'd sleep in Clarke's bed.  
  
_This is fine,_ she told herself. _You've done this hundreds of times.  
_  
Bellamy was totally at ease, setting his things down before grabbing a change of clothes and going to the bathroom. Clarke looked through her own things, thinking about what she should wear to bed.  
  
_This is ridiculous!_ she thought. Bellamy had seen her in pretty much everything she owned. From sweatpants to her pajama shorts. Hell, he'd even see her in her underwear once. _You'll make things weird if you continue acting like this._

She grabbed a pair of light pink shorts and the tank top that went with them. She decided to wait until he was back from the bathroom to change. The last thing she needed was for him to see her changing, even if he wouldn't blink an eye at her exposed back.  
  
Once he came back, in a plain white tshirt and a pair of boxers, she went to the bathroom and changed. Secretly hoping that he had already fallen asleep, she tiptoed back into the room.  
  
He was laying on his side, so she couldn't really even tell. She got under the covers, despite the heat. He'd seen her in this very pajama set multiple times. But everything felt different now, now that he had a girlfriend. And more importantly, it felt different because she knew he was oblivious to her feelings. And maybe him seeing her braless made her a little uncomfortable.  
  
"Do you like the book so far?" he asked before turning on his back.  
  
"Um, yeah. Yeah, it's really good so far" she said, bringing the sheet up to her neck.  
  
"Aren't you hot?" he asked, glancing at the way she clutched the sheet to her chest.  
  
"Not really" she lied.  
  
He shrugged and closed his eyes.  
  
"Did you- have you listened to the CD?" she asked.  
  
"The CD?"  
  
"The one I made you" she said, "For your birthday."  
  
"Oh" he said, turning on his side to face her. "Yeah. I did. I listen to it all the time."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah" he said, smiling at her. "It's really good."  
  
"I'm glad you like it" she said, giving him a timid smile.  
  
"It makes me sad, for some reason" he said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know" he said, "I guess cause the songs are kind of depressing. Why those songs, anyway? I mean, I really like all of them. But what made you pick those particular songs?"  
  
"I-I just thought you would like them" she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I'm sorry they make you sad."  
  
"No, don't be. That's why I like them" he said.  
  
"Which one is your favorite?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know the titles" he said.  
  
"Well sing them."  
  
"No fucking way" he said, turning on his back. "I'm not signing."  
  
"Oh come on!" she exclaimed, unable to fight the smile on her face. "Pretty please? With a ancient history book on top?"  
  
He rolled his eyes but she could see the corners of his mouth titling up, like he was fighting his own smile.  
  
"I can't do that" he said, "But I could say the lyrics."  
  
"Okay fine, just say them" she said.  
  
He paused for a second.  
  
"Shit, even that's awkward."  
  
"Bellamy!"  
  
"Alright, alright" he said. "I think the lyrics from the chorus go something like this- Oh you know when you're alone, I'm holding on. And on. And on. And on. To your soul. Or whatever."  
  
"Or whatever?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
She felt so, so happy. Not only did he like the CD, but his favorite song was her favorite, too.  
  
"Yeah" he said, looking over at her.  
  
She smiled at him again and wondered what he would think if he knew just how much the song reminded her of him.  
  
_I see you under blue skies_  
_I need a little sunshine_  
_I fell into your brown eyes_  
_I told you I was your light_  
  
"It's my favorite, too" she said.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah" she said, her eyes dropping to his lips before she could stop herself. She coughed, feeling a little awkward when she realized just how close he was. "Okay, then. Goodnight I guess."  
  
"Goodnight, Clarke" he said, giving her a smile that she could only describe as sad.

* * *

 

The alarm on her cellphone woke her up. She jolted awake, sweaty after having spent the night wrapped in her sheet. Silencing the phone, she took a look around the dark room. She could just make him out, his back turned to her and his hair sticking up at random angles.  
  
He was close enough to touch and for a second, she wondered what it would be like to scoot up next to him and wrap her arms around him.  
  
She shook her head, hating herself for thinking about such inappropriate things. He was her friend. He was her friend who was in a very serious relationship.  
  
She rose from the bed and made her way to the bathroom, changing into a pair of shorts and a tshirt before going back to the room and waking him up. They split up and woke the rest of their friends, and slowly, once everyone was ready, they made their way from the house down to the beach in their bare feet.  
  
Despite the fact that she was tired and a little hungover, it was worth it. The sun rising, changing the sky and the water from pink to orange and yellow made her feel happy to be alive. She decided that she'd try to get up every morning to watch it.  
  
Though, not everyone agreed.  
  
They stayed on the beach for a while before going back inside to eat. They had a lot of different things planned, including swimming, riding the jet skis and renting one of the boats. They had to remind one another that they had seven days and that they didn't have to do everything all at once.  
  
The first day, they stayed mostly down by the beach next to the house they rented. They swam, basked in the sun and drank the day away. The sunset was equally as beautiful as the sunrise had been and Clarke felt happier and more content than she'd felt in a long time.  
  
That night, they sat around a campfire and made s’mores. They got drunk, again. And naturally, a few of them decided to go skinny dipping.  
  
The next two days passed in a similar fashion. They wasted no time at the house, only staying there for meals and sleep. They rented a boat and went out into the open waters, blasting music and swimming in the water.  
  
Thursday night, it rained for the first time. But they'd had another great day, so no one was really upset. Miller and Brian made dinner and they sat around the living room, eating from plastic plates and debating on what to do the next day.  
  
They settled for playing a drinking game eventually. And since no one objected to getting totally plastered, Clarke found herself very drunk and very happy by two am.  
  
Thanks to Octavia, they played a very long game of _Never Have I Ever,_ since it was the best game to guarantee that most of them would get extremely drunk.  
  
The game was coming to a close, with Jasper having a say in the last round. He studied the drunk faces around him, thinking about his statement.  
  
"Hmmm..." he said. It was obvious that he was planning on picking something that most of the group would have to drink to.  
  
"Never have I ever" he began, "Slept with someone in this very room."  
  
There was a chorus of groans from the people around her as Clarke put her glass down. She glanced around the group. Some of them looked like they were on the verge of throwing up, including Bellamy and Octavia.  
  
Lincoln, Octavia, Brian, Miller, Raven, Murphy and Bellamy all took a shot while Clarke, Monty and Jasper laughed.  
  
For a second, Clarke felt a little confused when Bellamy brought his glass back down. But then she remembered that he had, in fact, slept with Raven years ago. She tried not to think about it too much as they stumbled back to their room after bidding their friends a good night.  
  
Too drunk and exhausted to care, Bellamy peeled his clothes off and fell onto the bed in nothing but his boxers.  
  
"Remind me to never drink this much again" he said, "If I'm still alive tomorrow."  
  
"Will do" Clarke said, feeling the same type of way. She took her shorts off and joined him in bed, feeling too uncomfortable to take her shirt off.  
  
"Why was this a good idea again?" he slurred.  
  
"I don't remember" she said, giggling a little.  
  
"The last shot was the worst" he said, running a hand through his hair. "Actually, scratch that. The last five were."  
  
She laughed and moved onto her back, looking up at the ceiling.  
  
"You and Raven, huh?" she asked.  
  
"Shut up" he said. "It was a long time ago. And you know why it happened."  
  
"Mhm" she said, thinking about the mess that had brought her and Raven together. "Good thing it didn't make things awkward between you guys."  
  
"Yeah" he said, "It was casual. And it happened once. I'm just glad we felt the same way about it."  
  
"Well, you must be used to it. You've slept with a lot of your friends" Clarke said before she could stop herself.  
  
"Asshole" he said, turning on his side and pinching her arm.  
  
"Ow!" she exclaimed between bursts of laughter. "What?! It's true!"  
  
"Not a lot of them" he said, turning onto his back. "Just a few."  
  
"How many is a few?"  
  
"Do you want to get pinched again?"  
  
"No!" she yelled, moving away.  
  
After a few more minutes of laughter, she moved back to lay beside him.  
  
"You've never slept with me" she said. A second later, her mind caught up with the words her mouth had just uttered without her approval. "I-I mean, not like that."  
  
"Like that?" Bellamy asked, an easy smile on his face as he turned to look at her. "What are you, twelve?"  
  
"Shut up" she said, rolling her eyes. She hoped that he wouldn't noticed the blush in her cheeks. And if he did, she hoped he would think it was because of the amount of shots she'd taken. "You know what I mean."  
  
"Yeah" he said, "I know what you mean."  
  
She looked at the ceiling. The alcohol had definitely, definitely gotten to her. She didn't feel embarrassed to say what she said next.  
  
"I guess I'm just not your type" she said.  
  
She knew that if she were sober, those words would have never left her mouth. Her thoughts. But she was drunk and thinking about the fact that he really had slept with quite a few of his friends. But he'd never made so much as a move or anything to that liking to make her think he'd ever wanted to have sex with her, in all the years since she's known him. And now she kind of wanted to know why.  
  
"What?" he said.  
  
"I'm not your type" she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I've noticed. You kinda go for the same kind of girls I go for. Tall. Slim or fit. Usually brunettes" she said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
He let out a laugh.  
  
"I guess we have a lot in common" he said.  
  
She felt a lump for in her throat. She'd said it as a joke but he didn't refute it. She really wasn't his type. And that's why he'd never even shown any sort of interest in her...  
  
"That's not really it" he suddenly said.  
  
She turned to look at him.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"The type thing..." he said, "That's not really it. I mean, you're right. I definitely have a type. Kinda like you do...But.."  
  
Even in her drunken state, she felt her heart rate speed up.  
  
"But?" she pressed.  
  
_Don't_ , she thought. _Just stop! Stop talking about this! This is a mistake!  
_  
And even so, she eagerly waited for his response.  
  
"I mean" he said, looking over at her with glassy eyes. "I've thought about it."  
  
"What? Really?" she asked, her eyes wide in shock.  
  
"Why the fuck do you look so surprised?" he asked, shoving her to the side a little. "Of course I've thought about it. Especially when we first met. I mean, you really pissed me off. But you're- you're attractive."  
  
She swallowed thickly, glancing back up at the ceiling.  
  
"So why..." she began. _Don't say it!_ But she was drunk. And so was he. And hopefully neither of them would remember this conversation. "Why didn't you ever...say anything or like- like try?"  
  
"Because, we became friends and it's kinda weird to tell your friend you thought about fucking them" he said, laughing a little.  
  
She couldn't understand how he could say all of this so...so casually, so easily. She had to remind herself that they were friends. Best friends. And it was easy to say things like this now that the things he might have thought about were in the past.  
  
"And after we became friends" he said, "I never considered it."  
  
"Why?" she asked before she could stop herself.  
  
He looked over at her with a strange look in his eyes and suddenly, she started feeling nervous again.  
  
_That's what you get for asking such inappropriate questions!_  
  
"Well, because, we're friends. Good friends" he said, "And fucking would probably ruin our friendship."  
  
"But you and Raven are still friends?"  
  
"Yeah, well.." he started. She noticed the way his Adams apple bobbed as he turned away and stared at the ceiling. "I don't think you're the kind of girl I could just fuck and move on from. I would have probably fallen in love with you and ruined everything."  
  
She found it a little hard to swallow.  
  
She turned on her side, with her back to him, and tried to process what he had just said.  
  
"Alright" he said from beside her, "I really think I'm gonna throw the fuck up."

* * *

 

Much to her dismay, she remembered every single thing about their conversation the next day. And based off of the amount of alcohol Bellamy had thrown up, she figured that he did, too.  
  
But he was still the same around her. And nothing he said or did made her think he felt awkward or embarrassed about his confession.  
  
She tried her best to act casual around him, when really, his word from the night before kept running on a loop through her mind.  
  
Part of her was glad that Gina was joining them that night. She would take Clarke's place, and Clarke could sleep in peace wedged between Jasper and Monty in the living room.  
  
But then the night came and Gina really did show up, plastering a huge smile on Bellamy's face. Clarke found it hard to be around him, to look his way, to directly speak to him. And that very night, after dinner and no drinking, watching them go off to bed together made her feel worse than she'd felt up until that point.  
  
It was with protest in her stomach and sadness in her heart that she grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel's and made her way down to the beach after the others had gone to bed.  
  
Drinking wasn't a good idea, after the night they'd had. And it was twice as terrible now that she was alone. Drinking on the beach like the pathetic girl she'd grown to become.  
  
But it gave her time to think.  
  
If she didn't tell him, she'd have to live like this until she got over it. If she ever got over it. And if she told him, she might ruin their friendship. But he was he best friend. Her person. If he couldn't handle her love confession, then they weren't as close as she thought they were. Telling him would be embarrassing. And probably heart breaking.  
  
But watching him live his life, oblivious to her feelings, was already breaking her heart. She'd suffer either way. But if she told him, she'd never have to think what if. It's not like...like she expected him to feel the same way. She was sure he didn't. But she didn't think she had it in her to keep it to herself anymore.  
  
And this way, when she told him, it'd be out in the open and he'd think more carefully about the things he said and did with her. That would hopefully make it easier for her to move on from him.  He'd try not to lead her on, and he'd stop doing the little things that made her fall a little deeper and deeper. And hopefully then, she could climb out.  
  
So walking back inside in the dead of night, she decided that she really would tell him this time. No matter what he said or did.  
  
But not here. She would wait until they went home. That way, they could avoid one another until her stupid feelings would fade away and they could be casual friends.  
  
As nervous as she felt, the thought of telling him really did make her feel a little better. In a couple of days, she wouldn't be tortured by the thoughts of him being oblivious to her love. He would know. And she'd have the opportunity to move on.  
  
She couldn't now, not while she was lingering in the in-between of friendship and something more when he was so clearly in the friendship aspect of that in-between.  
  
But she would tell him.  
  
In a strange way, knowing that he would know how she felt in a couple of days made it easier to be around him that following Saturday. She looked him in the eyes, she teased him back. She felt better, knowing that it would all come to an end.  
  
After another sunny day at the beach, they decided to go to the pier that night and eat dinner at one of the small restaurants clustered in a shopping center. On the way there, she walked beside Bellamy and Gina and laughed about the dumb things Monty and Jasper were talking about.  
  
Bellamy turned to look at her and she felt the smile on her face grow even wider. He'd gotten a tan, and the sun was directly to his left, giving him a pretty glow while the wind ruffled the dark curls on his head. The freckles on his face stood out way more.  
  
He poked her cheek and she slapped his hand away. She'd gotten very, very sunburnt and Bellamy couldn't help but tease her about it.

"Stop that!" she yelled, but her voice way playful.  
  
"What?" he asked. "I think it's cute."  
  
She looked away, grateful that he'd stop making comments like that once he actually knew.  
  
Clarke looked past him towards Gina and noticed a weird look on the girls face. But she quickly looked away and Clarke didn't have time to decipher what the look actually meant.  
  
Raven caught up to them and pulled Gina towards some vendor or another, and Clarke found herself walking beside him alone. They walked to the very end and stood at the dock, looking out at the water.  
  
"I'm glad we came" Clarke said after a few minutes of silence.  
  
"Me too" Bellamy said, smiling at her.  
  
She wished he would stop. She'd grown accustomed to his smile. She liked it since the first time she saw it, all those years ago. It was rare and it never failed to make her happy. She knew he couldn't help it. He just had one of those smiles that made the people around him want to smile, too.  
  
"Your hair is blonder" he said, reaching forward to grab a piece that the wind had untucked from her hairstyle.  
  
"Yeah, well. You're tanner" she said, cursing herself for being so awkward. But he was so tan and his smile was so bright and he looked at her in a way that made her feel special. Her heart had begun to ache, and it hurt to look at him but she didn't want to look anywhere else.  
  
"Yeah, well, you're redder" he said, poking her cheek again.  
  
She rolled her eyes and tried to remember the moment.  
  
"Clarke, I-" he began.  
  
But the sound of Raven's voice yelling their names cut him off and they looked behind them.  
  
"Lets go!" Raven said.  
  
They turned on the spot and moved to join their friends.  
  
"What were you going to say?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Nothing" he said. "I'll just- I'll tell you later."  
  
They went to dinner and sat around a large table, a little sad that their time at the beach was coming to a close. They'd have to go back to Arkadia, and reality, the next day.  
  
"So" Octavia said, tapping her fork against her glass to call them all to attention. "Lincoln and I have a little announcement!"  
  
The group shushed one another until they were all quiet, giving Octavia their attention.  
  
"Lincoln and I have decided that we're gonna move in together" Octavia said, smiling down at the man beside her.  
  
The table erupted in cheers and Clarke didn't have to fake her excitement, her happiness.  
  
She looked at Bellamy, wondering how he felt. He'd had a problem with their relationship at first. But he'd warmed up to Lincoln and now, they were pretty good friends. The easy smile on his face told Clarke that the news wasn't coming as a surprise to him. It was obvious that Octavia had already told him.  
  
"And we expect you all to help me move into his apartment next weekend" Octavia quickly added before sitting down.  
  
"Oh come on!" Murphy groaned. But the others were too happy for their friends to be bothered by the comment.  
  
The night went on, and when Octavia rose to use the restroom Clarke and Raven joined her. They wanted to congratulate their friend. They were both happy for her and for Lincoln.  
  
They stood in the ladies restroom while Octavia gushed about her excitement. After exchanging hugs, the three talked about all the things Octavia needed to do. All the things she needed to get, now that she'd be moving out and becoming a grown up.  
  
"So how does Bellamy feel about it?" Clarke asked, fixing her hair in the mirror.  
  
"He was...well, he was a little shocked at first. Maybe even a little sad. But he's accepted it" Octavia said, reapplying her lipgloss.  
  
"Still, it'll probably be weird for him without you" Raven said.  
  
"I don't know" Octavia said. "I mean, we'll still see each other all the time. But he knows I've got my own life. And he has his. Besides, Gina asked him to move in with her so he might be moving, anyway."  
  
Clarke felt her stomach drop.  
  
"W-What?" she asked, her hands dropping to her sides.  
  
"Yeah, I know" Octavia said, shrugging her shoulders. "I told him it would be better to ask her to move in with him. But they both work in Polaris so it seems like the more logical choice."  
  
"When did that happen?" Raven asked.  
  
Clarke hated that Raven had looked at her when she asked, instead of Octavia. A worried look on her face.  
  
"She asked him a couple of weeks ago" Octavia said.  
  
Clarke found it hard to speak over the lump in her throat.  
  
She stayed quiet, waiting for Octavia to finish up. On the way out, Raven stepped in beside her and gave her hand a squeeze.  
  
"Is everything- I mean, are you okay?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, plastering a fake smile on her face. "Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
Raven looked at her with pity and Clarke hated it. She pulled her hand from Raven's and made her way behind Octavia.  
  
And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't force herself to smile again. She thought that she'd reached rock bottom. But now it was obvious that she hadn't. Now, not only was she at rock bottom, but she had no fucking way out. Telling him seemed like a stupid, ridiculous idea now.  
  
He was leaving.  
  
After a few more minutes, watching him smile and talk like nothing was wrong, she couldn't take it anymore.  
  
"I-I've gotta go" she said, rising to her feet.

"What?" a few people exclaimed at the same time.  
  
"I feel a little sick" she said, grabbing her purse and avoiding all eye contact. "I'll see you guys back at the house."  
  
Despite the voices of concern, she turned away and left. She took a deep breath once she stepped outside, fighting the panic and the tears now gathered in her eyes.  
  
"Clarke!"  
  
_Oh god._  
  
Of course it was him.  
  
She pretended not to hear him as she walked away as quickly as she could. The sun had set but there were still a lot of people out. And the last thing she wanted to do was talk to him.  
  
By the time she felt a large hand wrap around her forearm, she had almost regained control of her heaving chest. She took another deep breath and turned to face him.  
  
"Hey" she said, forcing herself to smile.  
  
"What the fuck?" he asked, "Why didn't you stop? You heard me calling."  
  
"I-I just don't feel very good. I really need to get back" she said, fighting to keep her voice even.  
  
"Okay" he said, "Well, let me walk back with you."  
  
"You don't have to, I'm okay, really- I- I just need to lie down" she stammered.  
  
"Which is exactly why you shouldn't be walking back alone" he said, letting go of her arm. "Especially at night."  
  
"Bellamy, its fine. Really. You should go back to the others" she said.  
  
"I'm not gonna let you walk home alone, Clarke. Besides, I told them I'd walk you home. I can come back later" he said.  
  
"Really I'm-" she tried, but her voice cut off.  
  
"Let’s go" he said, placing a hand on her shoulder and gently pushing her forward.  
  
The last thing she wanted to do was walk home with him. But he wasn't giving her the option. And she didn't think she could say anything else without breaking down in the middle of a crowd. So she silently let him walk her home, trying to push her emotions aside and pretend like everything was completely fine. But the closer they got to home, the worse she felt.

And she felt horrible. She felt sad. She felt lost. She felt angry.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" Bellamy asked once the house was in their line of vision. "You've barely said anything on the way back."  
  
"I'm fine, Bellamy" she said, using the calmest voice she could muster.  
  
He opened the door and they stepped through. As soon as she tried to walk towards the living room, wanting nothing more than to put space between them, wanting nothing more than for him to leave, he grabbed her hand and kept her in place.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, running his thumb on the back of her hand and looking at her like he cared.  
  
"Stop that!" she yelled, pulling her hand from his grip.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Stop it, okay? Just stop doing shit like that" she exclaimed, throwing her purse to the side and moving way from him.  
  
"What the hell, Clarke?" he asked, following right behind her.  
  
She stood in the living room, begging whoever was out there to make him leave.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing" she said, crossing her arms over her chest and turning her back to him.  
  
"Come on" he said, moving until he stood in front of her. "Just tell me."  
  
And suddenly, she didn't feel sad anymore. She felt angry. So fucking angry.  
  
"Tell _you_?" she asked. "Why the fuck would I tell _you_ anything?"  
  
"What?" he asked, his eyes wide and confused.  
  
"Why the fuck would I tell you anything, Bellamy? It's not like you tell me anything anymore!" she screamed.  
  
A part of her knew that she should calm down. She was going about this the wrong way. And she didn't want to end their friendship with a fight. But the other part didn't really give a shit anymore. How could he expect her to tell him how she felt when he'd started keeping things from her?  
  
"When did you stop telling me things? Hm? I swear to fucking God I don't even know you anymore-" she said, moving to push past him but again, he grabbed her arm and kept her in place.  
  
"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked.  
  
"You're leaving! Moving to fucking Polaris and you didn't even think to mention it to me! Do you even fucking care anymore?"  
  
"What-no, of course I care, Clarke. But I-I was going to tell you-"  
  
"Right! You were going to tell me. Fuck you! I can't believe you!"  
  
"I was going to tell you earlier, at the pier, but-"  
  
"But nothing!" she yelled. It felt like all the months of hurt and anger had suddenly been unleashed. And she couldn't calm herself down or reign the anger in. "You don't tell me anything anymore! And it's all because of her. And again, I had to hear about something from our fucking friends. You didn't even have the decency to tell me yourself! And you expect me to tell you what’s wrong?"  
  
He looked a little stunned by her outburst.  
  
"Calm the fuck down" he said. "Why are you freaking out? I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I was going to and I haven't even decided-"  
  
"Oh!" she yelled, throwing her hands in the air. "You haven't decided! Like that makes it okay to keep something like that from me!"  
  
"I wasn't trying to keep it from you, Clarke, I just-"  
  
"You just what? Thought I'd roll with it? I swear to fucking god Bellamy, I can't even stand to look at you right now. Just-just get out!" she yelled, shoving him back.  
  
"What the fuck is wrong with you- why are you freaking out?" he yelled, moved to anger himself.  
  
"Because you're a fucking asshole!"  
  
"Clarke, I haven't even decided yet, okay?"  
  
"Really? Does Octavia know that? Does Gina know that?"  
  
"It's my fucking decision and I have a lot to consider, okay? Holy shit. Why are you so fucking mad?"  
  
"How would you feel, huh? If I kept something like that from you?" she asked, glaring right at him. "Or do you even fucking care anymore?"  
  
"Clarke, of course I care- I just....I was worried about how you would take it and-"  
  
"Right" she said, "You were worried about how I'd take it. But not worried enough to actually tell me. But what about me, Bellamy? What about how I feel? You're just gonna....you're just gonna leave me behind like-like-"  
  
"Please stop" he said, "I don't want to fight with you. Come on, Clarke. We're best friends. I don't want it to-"  
  
"I can't be your friend anymore" she said. Suddenly, all the anger left at once.  
  
"Oh come on!" he yelled, "Even if I do decide to go, we can still stay friends. I'll visit, all the time. And you can come-"  
  
"I can't be your friend anymore" she repeated. "And I'm not just saying that. I-I don't think I can stand to be around you anymore."  
  
"Why?" he asked. He didn't sound angry anymore, either. "Why not?"  
  
"Because I-" her voice cut off.  
  
He waited for her to go on and she found it hard to look at him. Instead she glanced around the room.  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
"It-it makes me uncomfortable" she said, her voice coming out a lot quieter than it had been.  
  
"What does?"  
  
Again, she found it hard to meet his eye.  
  
"Clarke?" he said, a hint of agitation in his voice.  
  
"Seeing you with her" she finally said, looking right at him. "It makes me uncomfortable, seeing you with her."  
  
The anger faded and the only thing on his face was surprise.  
  
"What?" he asked, "Why?"  
  
"Because I-" and again her voice cut off. She could feel the tears threatening to spill over at any second.  
  
This was not the way she wanted it to happen. This was not how she had wanted to tell him. But he was leaving and he didn't even tell her.  
  
"I-I'm in love with you, Bellamy" she finally said, looking down at her feet. "I love you and I don't want you to leave."  
  
She'd been able to keep the tears from falling as she waited for him to respond.  
  
A full minute passed before she finally had the courage to look up at him. He stood there with his hands at his sides, looking at her like he hadn't really believed what she said. And still, she waited. After another minute, and nothing more but the clench of his jaw, she couldn't wait anymore.  
  
"Say something" she whispered.  
  
"Clarke" he said, in his deep and raspy voice. "I-I don't know what to say....I can't just..."  
  
And even though it was what she had expected him to say, disappointment and hurt hit her like a freight train. And after that, all she could feel was shame. And embarrassment. It washed over her in waves and now she really couldn't stop the tears from spilling over as she tried to collect her thoughts.  
  
"I-I'm so sorry" she choked out. "For what I said. For what I did. I-I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. This is so stupid" she said, shaking her head a little. "Of course we can still be friends. I shouldn't have yelled at you- and I just- I'm so sorry."  
  
"Clarke.." he said, reaching forward to grab her hand. And it was pity she heard. He felt sorry for her.  
  
"I'm sorry" she said, pulling her hand from his grasp. "I'm so sorry."  
  
She turned away.  
  
He tried to stop her again.  
  
"Please just leave me alone, okay?" she said, pulling her hand from his again. "I really need for you to leave me alone."  
  
She stayed in the bathroom until she heard the front door close as he left, wondering why the hell she had thought that telling him would be a good idea.  
  
Everything between them had already changed. They could never go back to what they were. Their friendship was most likely over.  
  
She had single handedly destroyed it and things would never be the same between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did ya think? I'm working on part two and I hope to have it posted soon. Also, the rating will most likely go up for pt 2...if ya catch my drift. What would you like to see more of in pt 2? Any hopes/wishes? As always, I'm telling the story I want to tell BUT I do appreciate feedback! Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Fangirl with me on tumblr! and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all- thank you all for the wonderful feedback about the first chapter. I was shocked at the response, honestly. I've gotten so many kind comments and messages about this fic, so I just want to say, from the bottom of my angsty heart, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
> 
> Second- A change in rating. 
> 
> Third- I sincerely hope this makes up for all the "ugly crying" of the first part.
> 
> Fourth- There's a GoT spoiler in this. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Part II

  
She avoided him and the rest of her friends for as long as she could. But then it was time to leave and she had to face them.  
  
She quietly asked Miller if she could ride back with him and he didn't ask why. He just agreed. And even though she avoided looking at Bellamy, she could tell that he was avoiding her too.  
  
It helped that almost everyone was hungover. It kept them from asking too many questions.  
  
The ride home was depressing. She tried not to think about all the things she'd said. She tried not to think about all of the things that must be running through Bellamy's head, now that he knew. She tried not to think about the way she had embarrassed herself.  
  
Coming home made her feel better. At home, she didn't have to worry about her facial expressions. She could let herself be sad. She could cry in the shower and lay in bed, thinking of all the ways she fucked up.  
  
The worst part wasn't that she'd been rejected. It hadn't been like she was expecting something different. He was in love with Gina. She knew that. And more importantly, she knew that he loved her as a friend and nothing more.  
  
The worst part was knowing that things would change between them, for good. They would never have what they used to have, an easy and close friendship. Even if they tried, she would constantly be worried about what he thought of her and he would probably calculate everything he said and did so as not to lead her on. They would never be able to hang out, alone, without her confession hanging in the air between them. They could never look at each other in the same way.  
  
She waited but the sadness didn't let up.  
  
She responded to her friend’s calls and texts, claiming that she was sick. That she was tired. That she didn't really feel like hanging out. When the weekend came around, she bailed on going to The Ark. There was no way she could face him. Not yet.  
  
And he hadn't bothered to call, or text. Or come by. He obviously wanted the space as much as she did.  
  
She went to her internship and spent her nights alone. Her friends were worried but she didn't know how much they knew about what had happened. She didn't know if Bellamy had told anyone. And she sure as hell wasn't going to ask.  
  
By the next weekend, she figured that she would be ready to face them. She couldn't hide forever. But then Friday came around and she found herself bailing again, pretending to be busy. Saturday came and went and still, she didn't go.  
  
By the following Wednesday, her friends were officially worried. She felt grateful, knowing that they cared about her that much. So she spent some time sending them lengthy text messages with promises to hang out and catch up, soon.

Thursday night, she opened her apartment door and found Octavia and Raven standing on the other side. They brought snacks. A bottle of wine. And her favorite cheer-me-up movie, _Legally Blonde._  
  
At first, she tried to convince them that she really was okay. That nothing had happened. But the looks on their faces told her that they didn't believe her so after a while, she stopped trying. She sat in her living room with her two friends by her sides, drinking wine and stuffing her face with Oreo's, watching Reese Witherspoon kick ass.  
  
By the end of the movie, she felt remarkably better.  
  
"I'm sorry" Clarke said, after turning the movie off.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Raven asked.  
  
Octavia rose from her seat and went to the kitchen, coming back with another bottle of wine. She poured them each a glass before sitting back down. Clarke tried to gather her thoughts, to think about what she should tell them while they quietly sat by, waiting for her to start talking.  
  
"I don't really know what to say" Clarke finally said.  
  
"You don't have to say anything you don't want to, Clarke" Octavia said. "We're not gonna force you to tell us. We just...we wanted to remind you that you have us. That we're here, if you do want to talk."  
  
Clarke stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, grateful that she'd been blessed with friends who understood her. Friends who cared. Friends who came looking when she tried to avoid them.  
  
"Have you..." she began, swallowing past the lump in her throat, "Have you talked to him? How is he?"  
  
Octavia and Raven exchanged a glance.  
  
"I'm sorry, but you don't get to ask us that" Octavia said. "We came to talk about you. If you want to know how Bellamy is, you should talk to him. We're not gonna tell you. And no one else is, either."  
  
Clarke took a long drink. Octavia was protective of her brother and Clarke knew it.  
  
"Ignoring him isn't going to solve anything" Octavia said.  
  
"It's not like he's dying to talk to me, either" Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders. "He's avoiding me. He probably hates me."  
  
"Don't say that" Raven said, "You know it's not true, Clarke. He could never hate you."  
  
"But I ruined everything" she said, desperately glancing between the two girls. "I ruined our friendship. I-I tried to sabotage his relationship with Gina. I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said and..." she could feel the tears prickling behind her eyes. "I ruined it. I ruined everything. He's never going to look at me the same way. He'll never treat me like he used to."  
  
The tears pooled in her eyes and she looked down, putting her head in her hands. They stayed quiet for a while as Clarke felt the thick tears dropping from her eyes. She watched as the drops landed on her grey pants, leaving tiny little wet circles in them.  
  
"He'll understand" Octavia finally said.  
  
"He will" Raven said, placing her hand on Clarke's back.  
  
Clarke sniffled as Octavia placed a hand on her knee.  
  
"Come on, Clarke" Octavia said. "It's Bellamy. Just talk to him. He'll understand. He's...." but she didn't finish the sentence.  
  
Clarke looked up and met Octavia's gaze through blurry vision.  
  
"It's Bellamy" Octavia said, "He's been in love with you forever. He'll understand."  
  
"W-What?" Clarke croaked.  
  
"He has" Octavia said, giving Clarke's knee a squeeze, "You're the one who hasn't been paying attention."  
  
"No" Clarke said, shaking her head. "No. We're-we're just friends."  
  
"Oh come on" Raven said, "He's practically been in love with you since you met."  
  
"That's not true" Clarke said, turning to face Raven.  
  
What the hell were they talking about? Bellamy had hated her when they met. And since then, he'd grown to care for her, yes. But only because they were such good friends. Best friends. He'd said it himself. He loved her. She was his person.  
  
"It's true" Raven said, "We all know it."  
  
"Like I said, you're the one who hasn't been paying attention" Octavia added from the other side.  
  
Clarke shook her head again.  
  
"You guys don't know what you're talking about" she said, "Bellamy loves Gina. He's in love with her."  
  
"Yeah, maybe" Octavia said, "But he loves you too. He always has. We can love more than one person, Clarke. You should know that."  
  
"Stop" Clarke said. "Just stop. That is completely ridiculous."  
  
"Think about it, Clarke" Raven said. "I mean, we all see it. We all know. How have you not..."  
  
"How have I not what?" Clarke asked, feeling her heart pounding in her chest.  
  
"How haven't you noticed?" Octavia said. "I mean, really think about it. He knows everything about you. He remembers everything you tell him. He's always making sure that you're okay. He talks about you, all the time. He looks at you like you're....like you put the fucking sun in the sky. He's more...he's more himself when he's around you. You make him happy."  
  
"And why do you think he hated Finn and Lexa so much?" Raven added.  
  
"He-he didn't like Finn because he thought he was an asshole. And he didn't like Lexa because he didn't trust her" Clarke said, "Not because he's in love with me?"  
  
"They were both okay people" Raven said, "And they both loved you. And you loved them back. That's why he didn't like them, Clarke."  
  
"That's not true" Clarke repeated. They were so, so wrong. Bellamy had never thought of her in that way.  
  
"It's true" Octavia said, "He felt just like you're feeling now, watching him live his life with Gina. The difference is, he never told you. But you told him. He never said anything but we could all see it. Just like we see it with you."  
  
It was true. Bellamy hadn't been open or welcoming to Lexa or Finn. But Clarke had thought that he just didn't like them, as people. She didn't think it had anything to do with her.  
  
And yeah, so what if he knew everything about her? So what if he remembered all the things she told him, all the things she liked? That's what best friends were for.  
  
And maybe he had always gone out of his way to make sure she was safe, walking her home after they left The Ark late at night. Checking in on her throughout the day. But friends did that for one another, didn't they? And maybe sometimes the way he'd look at her would make warmth spread through her body. Maybe his eyes often found hers in a crowded room.  
  
But all of that was just...just Bellamy. Bellamy, her best friend. Her partner. Her other half. Not someone who was in love with her. He didn't see her in that way. She's pretty sure that she would have noticed if her best friend had fallen in love with her.  
  
"Just talk to him" Octavia said.  
  
They left shortly after that and Clarke tried to go to sleep. But the thoughts that Octavia and Raven had put in her head kept her from falling asleep.  
  
She thought about the five years of friendship. Of countless nights, watching Netflix and studying. All the time they spent together, with their friends and alone together. All the things he'd done for her, said to her.  
  
She decided that Octavia and Raven clearly didn't understand the relationship she had with Bellamy. They didn't know about all the things that had happened between them. They didn't know what they were talking about.  
  
Bellamy wasn't in love with her. He'd never said anything, or made any sort of romantic gesture. In fact, the few times they'd been physical (be it hugging or cuddling on the couch) had been initiated by Clarke. He'd never tried to kiss her or hold her hand. And he looked at her the way he looked at her because he cared. He cared for her and he loved her because she was his person. She was Clarke. He'd said it himself.

She banished the silly idea that her two friends had put in her head. She'd never thought about Bellamy being in love with her and she wasn't going to start now. He was in love with Gina. He was moving away from Clarke so that he could be with the person he really was in love with.  
  
She'd confessed her feelings and he had rejected her.  
  
The following Saturday, she swallowed her nerves and her pride and made her way to The Ark. She tried to relax, to act normal around her friends. _Nothing has changed with them_ , she reminded herself.  She kept glancing towards the door, waiting for Bellamy to join them. But he didn't.  
  
She walked home, thinking about whether she should bite the bullet and text him first. She even pulled her phone out and typed a short message. But no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't press send.  
  
So she decided to wait. In the week that followed, she started hanging out with her friends again. She went shopping with Raven and Octavia. She spent the night with Jasper and Monty. She went to The Ark on Friday night and danced and drank with her friends. But Bellamy hadn't shown up to any of those events. And she began to worry. She considered asking one of her friends, hoping that they'd give her a little information. But whenever she went to do just that, Octavia's words would run through her head and she would stop herself.  
  
Two weeks after that, she'd finally had enough.  
  
She showed up at The Ark and sat down next to Miller, making a little idle chit-chat before gathering the courage to ask about Bellamy.

"Where has he been?" she asked. "I feel like I haven't seen him in forever."  
  
"He's been a little busy" Miller said, shrugging his shoulders. "Apparently one of his upcoming fall classes is gonna be a real bitch so..." he trailed off.  
  
Clarke felt like the answer wasn't enough.  
  
"How's he been?" Clarke asked. "Have you talked to him?"  
  
"Of course I have" Miller said. "And he's fine."  
  
"Yeah? What's he been up to?" Clarke asked, hoping Miller couldn't tell just how eager she was to hear the answer.  
  
"Why are you asking me these things?" Miller said, "Talk to the man, Clarke."  
  
She huffed in frustration and fought the urge to roll her eyes.  
  
Days passed and the sadness that had come with his rejection faded. And in its place, she began to miss him. She missed him so fucking much.  
  
And it wasn't just because he made her happy. It wasn't because being cared for by him was one of the greatest parts of her life. She missed _him_. She missed the sound of his voice. His smile. His smart mind and his cynical comments. She missed the nerdy things he would randomly bring up and she missed the way his eyes lit up whenever he was happy.  
  
It was becoming unbearable. So one night she picked her phone up and called him. But he didn't answer. She wondered if he had missed her. She wondered what he'd been up to, if he'd decided to move. How things with Gina were going. How his classes were.  
  
Was he okay with this? Them acting like they weren't even friends anymore? It was starting to feel like it.  
  
Autumn came and Clarke found herself walking down the street, wearing a long white cardigan and a deep red scarf around her neck. She decided to go to her favorite cafe to study, one she and Bellamy had gone to at least a couple times a month before she had ruined everything with her confession. It was their favorite place to go to because it had cute little tables and chairs outside where they could sit and enjoy the warm weather while they studied. And they had the best sweets. And each time they went, they'd try something different.  
  
When she was a few feet away, she stopped dead in her tracks.  
  
The first thing she noticed was the dark curly hair. It was shorter, but she definite recognized it. His back was to her but she knew it was him. She recognized the broad shoulders. She even recognized the grey sweater.  
  
Her heart rate picked up and she thought about her options. She could just leave. Go back home or go somewhere else. He hadn't seen her.  
  
Or she could face him and try to salvage whatever was left of their friendship. She could fight through the pain, the awkwardness and try to be something like a friend to him. If anything, for the sake of her other friends because they were bound to cross paths eventually.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. There was an uneasy feeling in her stomach. She walked towards him. His laptop was on the table with a cup of coffee beside it. He was looking down at the open textbook in his lap when she walked up beside the table.  
  
"Hey Bellamy" she said, because she didn't know what else to say. She plastered a timid smile onto her face and hoped that he couldn't tell how awkward she felt.  
  
His head snapped up, surprised by her presence. But the surprise vanished once he realized it was just her. He smiled wide. And unlike hers, his smile seemed genuine.  
  
"Clarke" he said, staring up at her and smiling that stupid smile that made her heart flutter. "Hey. What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to study" she said, grabbing at the straps of her backpack.  
  
"Oh, right. Of course" he said.  
  
And to her surprise and relief, he took his own backpack off of the table and placed it by his feet. Making room for her.  
  
She smiled a little timidly before shrugging her backpack off and taking the seat across from him.  
  
"Do you want coffee or something?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah" she said, "But I can get it later."  
  
"Nonsense" he said, rising to his feet. "I need some more anyway. Do you want anything specific? Or should I just surprise you?"  
  
"Surprise me" she said, trying not to smile again.  
  
He went inside for their drinks and she felt herself relax a little. He seemed...he seemed okay with her being there. So maybe he wasn't mad. And maybe she didn't make him uncomfortable? Maybe he really did understand. Maybe he'd let the entire thing go and hoped that she'd gotten over it?  
  
He came back, placing a cup of coffee beside her statistics textbook along with some sort of pastry. And she smiled despite herself because of course he knew that she always had something sweet with her coffee.  
  
"So" he said, sitting down across from her. "How have you been? I haven't seen you in weeks."  
  
"I-I'm good" she said, "Yeah. It's been a while."  
  
A moment of awkward silence passed between them and she had to look away. They'd been ignoring one another. That's why he hadn't seen her. They both knew it.  
  
"How about you?" she asked, hating how weird things felt.  
  
"I've been okay" he said.  
  
And again, silence. An awkward silence. Not like the comfortable silence that used to fill the space between them.  
  
She'd been right. Things would never be the same.  
  
"Look" she said, not even knowing what she wanted to say. The silence between them was making her feel uneasy and she hated it. This wasn't their relationship. She couldn't even look him in the eyes. "I know that...that I probably made you uncomfortable with the things I said at the beach. And I'm sorry but-"  
  
Her voice cut off and she closed her eyes for a second, beckoning herself to calm down. To save whatever was left of their relationship. He hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault that she'd realized her feelings for him involved more than friendship when it was too late. When he'd already found happiness with someone else.

She loved him too much to let him go. Of course she'd been disappointed by his rejection, of course. But before anything, he'd been her friend. And just because they cared for one another in different ways didn't mean they couldn't be friends at all.  
  
"I'm sorry" she said, looking right at him. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting these past few months. But I'll get over it, okay? And I just..." she paused, thinking about the way she should word this. "I don't want this to end. I don't want our friendship to end because of this. I know that you've been avoiding me, because I've been avoiding you too...But I don't want it to be like that between us. I miss you when you're not around and you haven't been for a long time. You're my best friend, Bellamy. I don't want to...I don't want us to drift apart. I want things to be okay again."  
  
She sighed. There. It was all out. He could take it or leave it.  
  
"I missed you too" he said, his voice quieter than she was used to.  
  
"You have?" she asked.  
  
"Yes. Why are you always so surprised to hear things like that?" he asked. "I mean, you know how much I..." he trailed off. He shook his head and coughed. "What I mean is, yeah. I get it. I missed you too."  
  
She smiled again and this time, she didn't have to force it. He had missed her, too. He didn't want things to end between them. Maybe if they tried hard enough, things could be okay between them again.  
  
"Alright" she said, opening her textbook. "I really did come to study. So keep the chitchat to a minimum."  
  
He scoffed and she let out a laugh when she felt a crumpled napkin hit her in the forehead.  
  
"Asshole" he muttered, a fond smile on his face.  
  
He looked down at his own textbook and Clarke let herself study him for a couple of minutes. He looked relaxed. She noticed the familiar way a small crease formed between his eyebrows, like it always did when he was trying to concentrate.  
  
She sighed in relief and he looked up, giving her a small smile and looking back down at the book before she could cover up the fact that she'd been staring. It had been ridiculous of her to think that he wouldn't want to be her friend. It was completely childish of her to think that they couldn't move past this. That they couldn't be friends again. He was her person. He always would be.  
  
They studied for a couple of hours before packing up to leave.  
  
"Want me to walk you home?" Bellamy asked, sticking his textbook in his backpack.  
  
"Didn't you drive here?" she asked. While the cafe was only a few blocks away from her apartment, it was a fifteen minute drive from his.  
  
"I could drive you if you don't feel like walking?" he suggested.  
  
"No, I want to walk. But don't you wanna go home or something?"  
  
"I can walk with you" he said, an easy smile on his face. "Just let me put my things in my car first."  
  
"Okay" she said, giving him a nod. She packed her own things and threw away her trash while waiting for him to get back. Together, they walked down the street while the sun set on the horizon.  
  
"So what have you been up to in the past month or so?" he asked.

"Nothing really. I finished my internship. And classes start next week, so I got all my books. I figured I better get ahead because you know how I get towards the end of the semester" she said.  
  
"I do. You get lazy. You wait till the last minute to submit your assignments. You skip a few showers" he said, smirking at her.  
  
"Shut up" she said, rolling her eyes but smiling all the same.  
  
He laughed a little and they continued on. Clarke felt relieved when she realized that the silence between them didn't feel awkward anymore. They were the kind of friends that didn't need to fill every moment with their words. They could walk side by side and think, they could stare at their surroundings and appreciate the nice fall day.  
  
"What about you?" she asked after a few minutes.  
  
"Pretty much the same. I had like a two week break from classes but they're up and running again" he said.  
  
"Yeah, Miller mentioned something about you having a hard class a few weeks ago" she said.  
  
"You asked Miller about me?"  
  
"Well, yeah" she said, looking over at him.  
  
"Because you didn't want to talk to me?"  
  
"It's not that I didn't want to" she said, looking straight ahead. "I just- I didn't know what to say."  
  
"How about ' _what have you been up to, Bellamy_?'" he said.  
  
"It's not-" she said, "It's not that easy."  
  
"What isn't?"  
  
_Having to pretend that I'm not in love with you._  
  
"N-Nothing" she said, cursing herself.  
  
Thankfully, he didn't say anything else. He didn't push her to say the words and she was grateful for it.  
  
By the time they reached her apartment, she felt better than she'd felt in months. And as much as she wanted to ask about his life, whether he was moving and how things had been going with Gina, she couldn't.  
  
"So" he said, "Do you wanna like...do something later this week?"  
  
"Sure" she said, smiling a little. "What do you want to do?"  
  
"Can I come over?" he asked, "We could study or something."  
  
"Yeah" she said. "Yeah, I'd like that."  
  
"You haven't been watching Game of Thrones without me, have you?"  
  
"I haven't" she said. And she hadn't. She liked the show. But it was their thing. And she couldn't bring herself to watch it without him. "Have you?"  
  
"No" he quickly answered. Too quickly.  
  
She grabbed his arm.  
  
"You watched without me?!" she exclaimed.  
  
"No" he said, fighting a smile. "I swear. I haven't."  
  
"Bellamy Blake" she said, tugging his arm. "Look me in the eye and tell me you haven't been watching without me?"  
  
He laughed and then tried to compose himself but the smile on his face wouldn't let up.  
  
"Bellamy!" she yelled, punching his arm. "I can't believe you!"  
  
"It was one episode" he said. "And I didn't even get through the whole thing before the guilt set in. I swear. I didn't even finish the episode!"  
  
She narrowed her eyes, thinking about whether she should trust him or not.  
  
"Seriously" he said, giving her a playful shove. "I couldn't watch it without you. It felt weird, not having to listen to you talk through the whole thing."  
  
"Asshole" she muttered.  
  
"Alright, well, I'm gonna go. How about Sunday? You, me and Game of Thrones?"  
  
"It's a date" she said before she thought about it. "I-I mean, that sounds good. Not like...like a date. That's not what I meant, I swear."

He looked at her and she couldn't recognize the look on his face. A blush crept up her chest and settled in her cheeks. 

"Sounds good" he said, giving her one last smile before turning away and walking back the way they'd come. She watched him go, feeling so happy and so light. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of her chest.

* * *

 

They texted one another throughout the rest of the week, about whatever was on their minds. And on Saturday night, they both showed up at The Ark. They laughed and drank with their friends, catching up on the things they'd missed. Clarke drank the night away, happy to be in the company of all of her friends again.  
  
They were discussing the dreaded return of class the upcoming week.  
  
"We need one last hoorah" Jasper said, "Before classes start on Wednesday."  
  
"Okay first of all" Murphy said, "Who the fuck actually uses the word hoorah? And second, yes. We do."  
  
They started talking over one another, discussing their options.  
  
"You should throw a party!" Octavia said, looking towards her brother. "But a small one. Just our closest friends."  
  
Bellamy thought about it for a couple of minutes before agreeing.  
  
"Then it's settled!" Octavia yelled, slamming her beer bottle down on the table. "Party at the big Blakes!"  
  
The rest of the night passed quickly, like it always did. And after Bellamy and Octavia dropped her off, she got ready for bed and fell asleep instantly. For the first time in months.

* * *

 

"No, remember that Stannis is the brother of Robert Baratheon" Bellamy said.  
  
"Wait- I thought that was Renly?"  
  
"He's the younger brother" Bellamy said, "Stannis is the middle brother."  
  
"I swear to god, the more I learn about this show, the less I know" Clarke huffed, settling down on her couch.  
  
Bellamy had shown up, just like he said he would. They ordered takeout and picked up where they left off, watching Game of Thrones.  
  
And it felt like any other Sunday.  
  
They ate and watched the show, speaking up only to discuss some of the things that were happening. Clarke wanted to ask Bellamy if he'd made a decision but whenever she tried, she thought about how she would feel if he told her that yes, yes he was leaving. So she didn't.  
  
But after four episodes, Bellamy got up to leave and she walked him out. She tried to think about how to phrase the question. Hoping that her voice would come out as casual and not desperate.  
  
"So" she began, walking down the stairs. "Have you decided on anything?"  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"Are you...are you moving?"  
  
"Oh" he said. "Uh, no. I'm not."  
  
She hated that she felt relieved. She had to remind herself that it was normal. He was her best friend. Of course she didn't want him to leave.  
  
"I figured it was best to keep my professional life and my personal life separated" he said, smirking a little. "And it's worked so far, so..."  
  
She nodded, feeling a little awkward. They stepped through the front doors and she figured that she'd already asked the hard question. She might as well ask the other.  
  
"How's Gina?" she asked, hoping her voice was still casual.  
  
Bellamy looked away like he was uncomfortable with the question and she wished she could take it back.  
  
"I'm sorry" she blurted. "I-It's not my place to ask. Sorry."  
  
"What?" he asked, looking over at her. "Of course it is. Of course you can ask. Don't apologize for that."  
  
She nodded, waiting and feeling foolish.  
  
"We broke up" he said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"What?" she exclaimed. "Why? When?"  
  
She sounded eager and she hated it.  
  
"About three weeks ago" he said. "And as for why...it's a long story. And I kinda don't feel like talking about it."  
  
"Oh" she said, shaking her head a little. "No, of course. We don't have to talk about it. I understand. It's complicated. I shouldn't have-" she stopped mid-sentence, realizing that she was rambling and making an even bigger fool of herself.  
  
"I'm gonna go" he said, "Goodnight."  
  
"Goodnight" she choked out, turning on the spot and going back up to her apartment.  
  
_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ she thought to herself. She definitely made things awkward with the way she'd responded. With the things she'd asked. He was obviously uncomfortable and she made a promise to herself that she wouldn't ask him anything else about it. If he wanted to tell her, he would.  
  
A little part of her felt bad. Gina was nice. And Bellamy really did seem happy with her. She hated that the bigger part of her felt relieved.

* * *

 

Tuesday night, they had a small party at Bellamy's apartment. All their friends showed up, plus a couple more people. And since there was a ton of alcohol and they were all dreading the next day, they drank more than their fair share of liquor.  
  
Clarke knew it wasn't the smartest option. Especially not for her, someone who had a 9am class the next day. But she accepted the shots all the same and before she knew it, she was completely wasted.  
  
And even though things with Bellamy were good, she avoided him. She didn't know what drunk Clarke might let slip. She couldn't trust herself. Drunk Clarke might do or say something reckless. And things were finally getting better between them. The last thing she needed was to throw another wrench into the mess of their relationship.  
  
So she talked and danced and partied with her friends, celebrating the end of summer and the start of another school year.  
  
But at the end of the night when people started leaving and more people started passing out on the floor, she found herself being carried into Bellamy's room.  
  
Jasper and Monty were already on the bed, completely dead to the world. So Bellamy laid her down beside them and brought the covers up.  
  
She stared up at him, feeling warm and fuzzy.  
  
"You're so good to me" she said, grabbing his hand when he tried to leave. "You're the best."  
  
"Thank you" he said, laughing a little.  
  
"This was not the way I imagined it" she slurred, looking around the room. She turned her head and saw Jasper drooling on Bellamy's pillow.  
  
"Imagined what?"  
  
"Spending the night in your bed for the first time" she said.  
  
And somewhere deep down, sober Clarke screamed at her, told her to shut the fuck up. But drunk Clarke only giggled at the way Bellamy was looking at her.  
  
"Yeah?" he said.  
  
"Yeah" she said, nodding a little. "For one thing, I definitely didn't imagine Monty and Jasper here with us."  
  
Bellamy let out a laugh and she felt her heart flutter. Her drunk heart. Her drunk heart who would definitely regret this in the morning.  
  
"Goodnight, Clarke" Bellamy said, gently pulling his hand from hers.  
  
"'Night, Bellamy" she slurred, closing her eyes and falling asleep within minutes.

* * *

 

And sure enough, she regretted everything in the morning. Starting with the amount of alcohol she'd drank and ending with what she'd said to Bellamy.  
  
She was one of the first few people up. So she quickly gathered her things and accepted two pills from Bellamy, chugging them down with a full bottle of water.  
  
He drove her home and she leaned her head against the window. The pounding in her head didn't let up and she wasn't sure how she'd make it to class. It was 7:30 am. She had to go get ready, pack her bag and walk to the university. It wasn't a long walk but she felt too tired to lift her head.  
  
Bellamy pulled up to the curb and gave her a little shake.  
  
"Why don't you go get ready and I'll go get you some Gatorade or something?" he suggested.  
  
"No, it’s okay" she said, "You don't have to."  
  
"I want to" he said, "You look pretty pathetic right now."  
  
"Asshole" she muttered, forcing herself to open the door and step out.  
  
She dragged herself up the stairs and slowly made her way into the shower. When she stepped out, she felt only a tiny bit better. Bellamy waited in the kitchen as she searched around the room for her things.  
  
"Here" he said, handing her a bottle of Gatorade. "I can drive you. You'll get there about half an hour early, but it'll give you time to take a powernap."  
  
"Are you sure?" she asked, feeling like a nuisance.  
  
"Yes" he huffed, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure. Now get your shit and let’s go."  
  
By the time she made it to her classroom, she felt remarkably better. The drink and the food that Bellamy had brought her had made the throbbing in her head stop. And she didn't feel as nauseated.  
  
She found a seat at the front of the empty classroom and laid her head down after sending a short text to the group chat.  
  
_Clarke 8:28 am: I hate you guys._  
  
She set an alarm for 8:50 am and sure enough, it woke her up and she looked around the semi-full room. She glanced at her phone and noticed that she had a couple of new text messages. She opened the group chat and smiled at all the messages, now that she felt a lot better.  
  
_Raven 8:36 am: I second that. I hate you all._  
  
_Octavia 8:39 am: Why did we do this?_  
  
_Miller 8:41 am: Bitch, it was ur idea_  
  
_Octavia 8:42 am: WHY DO U GUYS LISTEN TO ME. I NEVER HAVE GOOD IDEAS. ITS UR OWN DAMN FAULT, NATHAN._  
  
_Jasper 8:49 am: Raven, Monty said please take detailed notes. He won't be making it to class._  
  
_Raven 8:50 am: It's the first day?!_  
  
_Jasper 8:51 am: Have a good day kiddies. If you don't hear from me by 5pm, please come looking._  
  
Clarke laughed to herself. She really did have the best friends. No matter how many awful ideas they had.

* * *

 

Her days were filled with classes. She had a full plate this semester, working towards 16 credits. So she spent a lot of time studying, trying to make the best grades early on because she knew she'd start slacking eventually.  
  
Her friends were equally as busy. But they all still went the The Ark on the weekends, even though they tried not to stay as late. And they definitely didn't drink as much.  
  
Things with Bellamy were starting to feel the same. He would still come over and they would study, pausing to treat themselves to an episode of Game of Thrones. They were almost done with the show, and then they'd have to wait with everyone else.  
  
But there were moments when Clarke would feel that little tug on her heart when he did something cute. Like smile. Or wake up from a nap with his hair messy.  
  
She was working on it. On trying not to be in love with him anymore so that things really would go back to normal.  
  
But sometimes she'd look up and find him looking at her, only to quickly glance away and she would wonder what he'd been thinking about. He still treated her the same way he always did. He made her smile. He held her when she cried after watching Jon Snow get stabbed to death.  
  
One November night, he came over and they did what they always did. Ate, studied. Watched a little Netflix now that they were done with Game of Thrones. But he was acting weird. More fidgety. And he kept avoiding her gaze.  
  
"What the hell, Bellamy?" she asked, after noticing the way he kept shaking his leg. "What's up with you?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" he asked, seeming a little frustrated.  
  
"Why are you acting weird?"  
  
"I'm not" he said, turning back to his book.  
  
Clarke let the topic drop but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. That he was hiding something. He looked frustrated but she kept her mouth shut. Deciding that if he wanted to tell her what was going on, he would.  
  
Eventually he closed the book and sighed. She looked up at him, raising her eyebrow in question.  
  
"Fuck" he sighed, "Look. This is awkward as hell but..." he paused and she waited for him to go on.  
  
She thought about the past few days. Nothing significant had happened. Their friends were okay. And the past few weeks had involved nothing but class and studying. Work, for some of them. Nothing had changed.  
  
"Do you wanna go on a date with me?" he asked, looking right at her from his place on the opposite end of the couch.  
  
"W-What?" she asked. There was no way she could have heard him correctly.  
  
"A date, Clarke" he said, slowly like she might have missed something.  
  
"A date?" she asked, still confused.  
  
"Yes. A fucking date. You know what the word means. Is there something I'm not getting here?" he asked.  
  
"I-I.." she stuttered, caught completely off guard.  
  
_What the fuck!? A date?! He's asking ME on a date?_  
  
He was still looking at her, his expression growing more confused and more agitated by the second.  
  
"I-yeah" she stammered. "Uh. Yeah. I-I'd like that" she finally said, once she'd come to terms with the fact that Bellamy Blake was asking her, of all people, on a fucking date.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, his face relaxing.  
  
"Yeah" she said, feeling her cheeks growing hot.  
  
"Okay" he said, nodding.  
  
He opened his book back up and actually started studying, looking much more relaxed than he had been. But Clarke couldn't focus. No matter how hard she tried.  
  
_A date. He asked ME on a date. A real, actual date. Holy fuck._  
  
She kept smiling to herself, trying to hide her face behind her book. She was going on a date with Bellamy Blake.

* * *

 

He texted her the next day, asking if she was free on Wednesday night.  
  
_Clarke 10:36 am: Wednesday night is good. I have class till six. But I'm free after that._  
  
She read and re-read his text over and over. She still couldn't believe that he'd asked her on a date. They hung out all the time. But he had said the word date, which of course they'd never done. She wondered what had come over him. She secretly thought about what Octavia and Raven had told her, about him being in love with her.  
  
She still didn't believe it. She couldn't.  
  
But now he really had asked her on a date. Which definitely implied something. Maybe he wasn't in love with her...but he was interested.  
  
_Bellamy 10:41 am: Okay. I'll pick you up at 8._  
  
_Clarke 10:42 am: What are we gonna do?_  
  
Hanging out was normal for them. But dating? She couldn't even imagine it. All she knew was that she was excited.  
  
She sat in the library, forgoing studying for daydreaming about her big date with Bellamy. What would they do? Would he kiss her at the end of the night, like her other dates had attempted to do? The thought made her shiver.  
  
_Bellamy 10:46 am: I don't really know. Do you have anything in mind?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:47 am: What do regular people do on dates? Where do they go?_  
  
_Clarke 10:48 am: Well, what'd you do with Gina?_  
  
She regretted sending the text almost as soon as she hit 'send'.  
  
_You fucking idiot! What a horrible thing to say!_  
  
She began to sweat, seeing the three little dots that meant he was responding. Things had been so normal with them lately that she'd forgotten about watching what she said. She'd forgotten about all the things that had happened between them.  
  
She noticed that he stopped writing and she felt absolutely mortified. She cursed herself and put her head in her hands.  
  
_Oh my god. What an awkward thing to say. What the fuck is wrong with you?_  
  
She waited for him to respond, growing more and more nervous the longer she waited. She put her phone away and tried to get back to studying. But it was useless. She'd just picked her phone back up to send him another message, apologizing, when he finally replied.  
  
_Bellamy 11:03 am: I don't know. What did you do with Finn and Lexa?_  
  
She worried her bottom lip. He was obviously uncomfortable with the question. And it was fair of him to shoot back.  
  
_Bellamy 11:05 am: I guess we'll just figure it out. See you on Wednesday._  
  
_Clarke 11:06 am: Alright. Sounds good._  
  
It was stupid to think about the things he'd done with Gina. Or the things she'd done with the two people she had dated. Every relationship was different. And theirs wasn't anything like the relationships they'd had in the past.  
  
For one thing, they already knew everything about one another. And they were best friends. They'd already spent a lot of time together.

 _How does one date their best friend?_ Clarke wondered. Did they go to dinner and a movie? She and Bellamy had seen hundreds of movies together. And they'd definitely had more meals together than that. While they did spend most of their time just hanging out...they'd done other things. He'd dragged her outside, made her go hiking with him a couple of times but he knew she hated it. And she'd made him go to Paint Night's at one of the local restaurants a few times, but he'd hated that.  
  
Clarke started to worry again.  
  
They'd already gone on two road trips. They'd gone to the beach. One time, they went to a fair and rode the Ferris wheel together.  
  
Suddenly, she couldn't think about what normal people did on dates. Especially first dates. Some got to know each other, yes. But what if you already knew your date? What if your date was your best friend? What kind of date would you go on, then?  
  
Her nerves made it hard to concentrate on anything else. By Wednesday night, she felt so nervous that she contemplated faking sick.  
  
_Stop it. It's just Bellamy. You're being weird again,_ she told herself. She wondered what Bellamy was doing. How he felt. Was he nervous? He rarely ever got nervous. Bellamy was a confident person. She wondered what was going through his head.  
  
By 7:30, she'd chewed her nails to nubs. Her hands were clammy and she prayed that he wouldn't try to grab them with his own. She would probably freak him out.  
  
_Should I wait outside? Or will he text me when he's here? Oh my god, what if he comes up first? Shit, what if I trip? Fuck my life._  
  
She'd decided to be bold and wear a dress, even though she wasn't sure where he was taking her. But it wasn't fancy. It was casual. And she paired it with a long cardigan and knee high boots, just in case they would be outside.  
  
_Where are we going? Is he gonna walk me up when we get back? Oh my god, am I going to invite him in?_  
  
Everything felt different. This was unexplored territory, after all. She knew what kind of guy Bellamy was. And she knew what kind of friend he was. But date? She had no fucking clue.  
  
_Oh god, this is a mistake_ she desperately thought. Her anxiety was through the roof and he hadn't even picked her up yet. What did the rest of the night have in store?  
  
She picked her phone up and opened the chat she shared with Octavia and Raven. They'd given her a pep talk at lunch the day before, when she started freaking out, and she figured they would be able to help her calm down.  
  
Clarke 7:40 pm: Oh my god, I don't think I can do this.  
  
_Raven 7:42 pm: Told you, O. I told you she would freak out again._  
  
_Clarke 7:43 pm: FUCK_  
  
_Octavia 7:44 pm: Clarke, take a deep breath. No, take SEVERAL deep breaths. And then remember what we told you yesterday: IT'S. JUST. BELLAMY._  
  
_Raven 7:45 pm: The guy you've been hanging out with for FIVE years_  
  
_Octavia 7:45 pm: The guy who has held your hair while you threw up, MULTIPLE TIMES_  
  
_Raven 7:46 pm: The guy you platonically SLEEP with_  
  
_Raven 7:47 pm: He already knows everything about you. And he STILL asked you on a date._  
  
_Octavia 7:47 pm: ^^^_  
  
Clarke felt herself calming down a little.  
  
_Octavia 7:49 pm: And just remember: no matter what embarrassing thing you do tonight, he's already seen that drunk video of you singing never gonna give you up._  
  
_Raven 7:50 pm: NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN_  
  
_Octavia 7:50 pm: NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND_  
  
_Clarke 7:51 pm: AND DESERT YOU_  
  
_Clarke 7:51 pm: Thank you guys. I do feel better. Wish me luck._  
  
Clarke took a deep breath, grabbed her purse and left her apartment. Octavia and Raven sent her a few more encouraging texts.  
  
They were right. It was just Bellamy.  
  
She had just stepped out when he pulled up to the curb. She took one last deep breath before taking a few short steps towards his car and opening the passenger seat.  
  
"Hey" she said, a timid smile on her face.  
  
"Hey"

He pulled away and drove down the street. Clarke took a peek at him, glad to see that he was dressed in a similar fashion. He had on a plain black V-neck t-shirt and dark jeans. She tried not to stare too long at his arms, quickly glancing away and looking out of the window.  
  
"Where are we going?" she asked.  
  
"I figured we could get dinner" he said, looking straight ahead. "Are you hungry?"  
  
"Yeah" she quickly said. It wasn't true. She was a stress eater and she had stuffed her face with red velvet cupcakes an hour ago. But she wasn't about to admit it.  
  
They stayed silent during the ride and she tried not to think too much about it. He pulled up to a restaurant she'd never been to.  
  
He parked and they got out, walking side by side until he opened the door and let her through first. They were ushered to a booth and they sat down across from one another. Clarke ordered a glass of wine, because she figured it couldn't hurt, and Bellamy ordered a local brew.  
  
As soon as the waitress left, he picked up a menu and glanced at it for a while.  
  
And everything just felt awkward. They weren't talking. _Is this normal?_ Clarke wondered. _Is it gonna be like this until we get used to it? Wait, are we gonna get used to it? Oh my god, are we ever gonna go on another date?_  
  
"So.." Bellamy began, setting his menu down. "How was your day?"  
  
"It was okay" Clarke said. "How about yours?"  
  
"It was okay, too" he said.  
  
And again, silence. The various conversations going on around them did nothing to make the situation any less awkward.  
  
Bellamy sighed and Clarke looked up, nervously, to find him looking a little tense.  
  
"Is everything okay?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah" he said, putting his elbows on the table and clasping his hands together.  
  
Clarke swallowed thickly. Of course it wasn't okay.  
  
He unclasped his hands and put them back under the table, letting out a frustrated sigh.  
  
"Fuck" he said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this."  
  
Clarke felt her heart sink.  
  
"W-What?"  
  
"This is awkward as shit" he said, shaking his head a little. "I think we should go. Why don't you wait outside while I go pay for our drinks?"

 _Oh my god. Not even ten minutes in and he's begging to leave.  
_  
She nodded, feeling her face flame in embarrassment. She stood on wobbly legs and made her way towards the front doors. Waiting outside, she contemplated whether she should make a run for it and save herself the embarrassment of the car ride.  
  
No doubt he would apologize. Tell her he was sorry, but he just _wasn't feeling it.  
_  
It was, without a doubt, the most embarrassing evening of her life. And considering that she'd done a lot of embarrassing shit throughout the years, that was saying something.  
  
But the walk was long. And she would only make things even more awkward if she ran away. It was better to let him take her home and then never speak of it again. Maybe even move away. Change her name. Dye her hair and pretend this never happened.  
  
A couple of minutes later, he came out and avoided her gaze, making his way to his car. She followed, feeling tears of embarrassment prickling behind her eyes.  
  
He pulled away and she kept her head turned, staring out of the window and praying to god that she wouldn't cry.  
  
"Fuck, I'm sorry" he finally said. "But that just- It just didn't..." he sighed.  
  
_Oh god. Here it comes. He's gonna tell me it was a mistake. That we should be friends.  
_  
"Can we just go back to your place?"  
  
"What?" she asked. Did he really think that she would want to hang out with him right after he ended their date?  
  
"That just didn't feel right" he said, "It didn't feel like us. So can we just do what we always do and see where it goes? I don't wanna have to think about it."  
  
_So he's not dumping me? Wait, can he even dump me? Are we dating?_  
  
"So what do you want to do?" she asked.  
  
"Tonight or in general?"  
  
"In general?"  
  
"I don't wanna just be your friend anymore" he said with a confident voice, turning to look at her.  
  
_Oh my god. He said it. He doesn't JUST wanna be friends._  
  
She felt her heart skip a beat, grateful that he wasn't dumping her like she'd originally thought.  
  
"I really wish you would have said that before" she said, "I-I thought you were saying you couldn't do _this._ "  
  
"What? No" he said, shaking his head a little. "I can definitely do _this_. Well, I can try."  
  
"Okay" she said, feeling a smile break out. "Good. What are we gonna do tonight?"  
  
"Well, I was thinking we could watch a movie or something...get some food" he said, "Unless you have something else in mind?" he added with a smirk.  
  
Clarke felt her cheeks flame.  
  
"No, um- that, that sounds good" she said.  
  
So they went back to her apartment and watched their favorite episodes of Parks and Recreation. They ordered take out and spent the night on the couch, laughing and arguing about which character was better.

And when he got up to leave, she walked him to the door.  
  
"Goodnight, Bellamy" she said, standing on her toes and placing a kiss on his cheek.  
  
"Goodnight" he said, smiling the stupid smile she loved.  
  
And afterwards, Clarke laid in bed with butterflies in her stomach and joy in her heart. It was the best first date she'd ever had.

* * *

 

They went back to texting one another like they'd used to the next day.  
  
And despite the fact that she had class and he had work, they made time to text one another whenever they could.  
  
Clarke felt foolishly happy, checking her phone over and over to see if he had replied. They were just talking about their days and still, she couldn't put her phone down or pay attention during her class.  
  
On Friday night, they hung out again and Clarke tried to keep her excitement at bay.  
  
Things were mostly the same. But Clarke could feel that things between them had shifted a little. He looked at her more often and his smile seemed to stay on his face throughout the night.  
  
She tried not to laugh too loudly at his jokes. She tried not to stare at the freckles that sprinkled his cheeks and the way his long lashes curled.  
  
"So..." he said, getting ready to leave. ”I've been thinking about it and maybe we should keep this between us."  
  
"This?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah" he said, "This." He motioned between them and she finally understood what he meant. "I mean, we should just keep it on the down low for now. I don't think we should tell the others."  
  
Clarke thought it over. As excited as she'd been, only Raven and Octavia knew about their date. Clarke didn't tell anyone else.  
  
"Raven and Octavia already know, though" she said.  
  
"Well, just tell them that we decided to stay friends" he said.  
  
A part of Clarke couldn't help but feel a little hurt.  
  
"I mean" he began again, noticing the look on her face, "Everything is so new and...I-I just don't want them getting involved. You know how they can get."  
  
"Alright" she said, nodding a little.  
  
It rubbed her the wrong way, but maybe it was for the best. She knew how they had grilled him about Gina. And yeah, maybe they would make comments that would make things a little awkward. But as she got ready for bed, she began to wonder. What if he didn't want the others to know because he didn't want them to feel awkward if their relationship ended? Was he already planning for that?

* * *

 

Octavia and Raven had been disappointed, to say the least. But after a long talk on the couch and a large bottle of wine, Clarke had finally convinced them that she really was okay.  
  
She'd told them about how the date just didn't feel right. She told them about a heartfelt (but fake) conversation she'd had with Bellamy, which had helped her realize that they really would be better off as friends.  
  
She asked them not to talk to Bellamy about it, in fear of making things awkward. They agreed. And even though they were disappointed, they told her that it was _for the best._ That sometimes, things just didn't work out. That sometimes, friendship was all there was to it.  
  
Clarke didn't like lying to her friends. But at least this way, if things with Bellamy really didn't work out, their friends wouldn't have to suffer for it.  
  
They went to The Ark on Saturday night. And everything was just as it was before Bellamy got a girlfriend. Octavia and Raven seemed to relax, once they noticed that there was no animosity or awkwardness between Clarke and Bellamy.  
  
Their friends were happy. She and Bellamy continued on acting the way they'd been acting up until then. They were friends. Best friends.  
  
But when it was time to leave, he walked her home and she resisted the urge to ask him if he wanted to come inside.  
  
They hugged and Clarke felt warm even after he had pulled his body away from hers. And that night, she couldn’t sleep. And unlike the months before, it wasn't anxiety that kept her from sleep. It was excitement.

* * *

 

Since classes were in full swing for both of them, they didn't get another opportunity to hang out that week. And even though they texted one another every single day, it wasn't enough for Clarke.  
  
She missed him. And she was allowing herself to think about him in a more-than-friends kind of way, now that she wasn't pining after him. And now that he was interested in her.  
  
She'd noticed the way that things between them seemed a little tense. And not in the bad way. She wondered when he'd make a move. Kiss her and make it official. Because even though they both knew there was more than friendship between them, nothing had happened to make her be completely sure of it.  
  
He was still treating her like a friend and the week without him was starting to take it's toll on her.  
  
Saturday night, as she got ready to go join her friends, she came to a decision. She'd invite him over at the end of the night. Just for a little while. She missed him and she was eager to take the next step.  
  
At The Ark, she tried to act normal. She tried not to stare at his shoulders or his arms. She tried not to think about how it would feel to kiss him. To feel his warm lips on hers. She vaguely wondered what kind of kisser he was. If he was gentle, or rough. If he'd use tongue.  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
She snapped out of her little trance and felt her cheeks flame.  
  
"I'm sorry, what?" she said.  
  
_God you are so pathetic._  
  
"It's your turn" Miller said, nodding towards the empty bottles of beer littered on the table.  
  
"Right" she said, rising from her seat.  
  
How was it possible that Bellamy seemed to be completely at ease, all night?  
  
She'd looked up to find him staring at her, a few times. And the smile on his face was a little sheepish. But still, he seemed completely fine.  
  
_He's obviously not as thirsty as you are, dumbass_ she thought to herself. Making her way towards the bar, she pushed all thoughts of his body and his lips to the back of her mind. They were taking things slow. And he'd recently gotten out of a relationship. He'd kiss her when he was ready.  
  
As she waited for the bartender to notice her, she spotted a familiar face at the bar.  
  
"Riley, hey" she said, greeting the blonde boy sitting on one of the bar stools.  
  
"Clarke" he said, with a huge grin on his face. "What's up?"

"Nothing really" she said, "Just here with some friends."  
  
She'd met Riley at the beginning of the school semester. They were taking Microbiology together and they'd become fast friends.  
  
"Cool" he said, "I just came for a quick drink."  
  
"Do you want to join us?" Clarke asked. He was alone and even though he'd only come for a drink, it didn't feel right to leave him sitting at the bar by himself.  
  
"Sure."  
  
She got the drinks and he helped her carry them to the table. Once there, she pulled up an extra chair and let him sit between her and Miller.  
  
"Guys" she said, "This is Riley. My friend from class."  
  
"Riley!" Jasper yelled, "Hey man!"  
  
"What are you doing here?" Monty asked.  
  
"You guys know each other?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Yeah" Riley said, greeting the group. "I do have a life outside of class, Clarke."  
  
The people who didn't know him introduced themselves and pretty soon, he joined in on the conversation. Clarke was listening to Riley telling Monty and Jasper about some childhood friend they all knew when her cellphone vibrated.  
  
_Bellamy 10:49 pm: Who the fuck is Riley?_  
  
Clarke glanced up at him but he wasn't looking at her.  
  
_Clarke 10:50 pm: My friend from class, like I said. We're actually lab partners in Microbiology. I saw him at the bar, alone, and figured he might want some company._  
  
_Bellamy 10:51 pm: How considerate of you_  
  
Clarke glanced back up at him, unable to keep the smile off of her face.  
  
_Clarke 10:52 pm: Omg, are you jealous????_  
  
She couldn't stop smiling, watching him so that she could see his reaction to the text. His phone was in his lap and after looking down to read her message, he rolled his eyes.  
  
_Bellamy 10:52 pm: Of course not. I'm not 15 years old._  
  
"No, Clarke's got the brains, I swear. Beauty and brains" Riley said from beside her. "I'm just glad that she asked me to be partners."  
  
He smiled fondly and Clarke smiled back.  
  
_Bellamy 10:54 pm: He does know that you have a boyfriend, right?_  
  
Clarke tried to keep her face impassive, but she could swear that her heart had skipped a beat. He'd just referred to himself as her boyfriend. And it was making her want to do something stupid, like jump across the table and kiss him.  
  
_Clarke 10:55 pm: I thought you said we should keep this on the down low?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:56 pm: From our friends, yes. Not random ass dudes that probably want to fuck you._  
  
She swallowed thickly. He didn't know it, but the thoughts from before returned and she began to wonder, again, what kind of lover he was.  
  
"Who are you texting?" Raven said from beside her, trying to get a peek at her phone.  
  
"No one" Clarke quickly said, clicking out of the message.  
  
Raven eyed her suspiciously, but thankfully dropped the topic.  
  
When the coast was clear, when the others got back into the conversation, she pulled her phone out again.  
  
_Clarke 11:01 pm: We're just friends. Not all friends are secretly into one another._  
  
She peeked up and noticed the smirk on his face once he'd read the text.  
  
_Bellamy 11:02 pm: I guess you're right._  
  
Clarke tried not to smile so much but it was hard. Even though he had denied it, Bellamy really did seem a little jealous. The way he was looking at Riley did nothing to make her think otherwise. And it made Clarke happy.  
  
Riley got up to use the restroom and Octavia waited until he was out of earshot before getting Clarke's attention.  
  
"Clarke, he's a cutie" she said, "You should hook up with him."  
  
Clarke noticed the way Bellamy suddenly became interested in whatever Murphy was saying on the other side. He was totally listening to her conversation with Octavia.  
  
"I don't know" Clarke said, raising her voice so that he would definitely hear her. "I mean, he is kind of cute."  
  
Bellamy clenched his jaw and again, Clarke had to keep herself from smiling.  
  
"He's just not my type, though" Clarke said.  
  
After that, they went back to talking to their friends but Clarke didn't miss the subtle glances from Bellamy every few minutes.  
  
She got up to use the restroom, thinking about sending him another flirty text. But just before she turned the corner to the hallway that lead to the rest rooms, she felt a hand wrap around her forearm.  
  
Bellamy stared down at her, keeping a firm grip on her forearm as he pulled her around the corner, shielding them from the bar and their friends.  
  
She didn't even have time to collect her thoughts before he pushed her towards the wall and brought his lips down to hers.  
  
Her eyes stayed open, disbelieving, while he pressed his warm lips onto hers.  
  
Her lips parted and he deepened the kiss, trailing his tongue over her bottom lip. It was quick and hot, and pretty soon he was pulling away and looking down at her with dark eyes.  
  
"Not your type, huh?" he said.  
  
Clarke tried and failed to find her voice. So she just shook her head no.  
  
"Good" he said, giving her another chaste kiss before leaving the way he came.  
  
Clarke stayed pushed up against the wall, feeling all the blood in her body boil. She felt so warm and so taken aback, thinking about the way his lips had felt on hers.  
  
It was the first time she'd ever kissed Bellamy Blake. And she knew that no matter what happened between them, she'd never forget about what it felt like to be kissed by him. She would never be able to look at his lips in the same way.  
  
_Holy shit,_ she thought, _I should bring Riley around more often._  
  
She didn't invite him over. They were taking thing slow, but the way he'd kissed her made her whole body tingle and she didn't think she could stop herself from doing something reckless.

* * *

 

Being with him was easy. And being in love with him was even easier.  
  
She'd never had that kind of relationship. The kind where she could tell the other person exactly what she was thinking, whether it was at 9 in the morning or 2 am. She'd never had the kind of relationship where she could quietly sit beside the other person and feel her heart pounding in her chest.  
  
Everything felt different. The way he looked at her. His smile. The way her nerves would set on fire when he placed a hand on her knee. The way he laid beside her on the couch.  
  
They tried to make time for one another as the days grew shorter.  
  
A week after he had kissed her, she laid in bed, thinking about the night they'd had.  
  
She'd been stressed with classes, now that they were at midterm. She'd complained to him about it on Friday night. She complained about how tired she was, how annoyed she felt with all the assignments she'd had to complete. How much studying she still had to do. How overwhelmed she felt. And he showed up on her doorstep the next Saturday morning, surprising her, and took her out for breakfast. He drove an hour to the next town over and pulled in to a drive in theater that was playing both parts of the final Harry Potter movie.  
  
He'd packed snacks and a blanket. And they sat on the hood of his car and watched Harry face Voldemort one last time. And afterwards, when he dropped her off, he parked in front of her building and they sat in the car, discussing which of the Deathly Hallows was the most important, for a full twenty minutes.  
  
Of course he remembered that she'd always loved Harry Potter. Of course he remembered that the books were extra important to her because her father had loved them as much as she did.  
  
So she didn't hesitate, leaning in and planting a kiss on his lips.  
  
And when she pulled away, he reached out and cupped her jaw, pulling her closer. His tongue snaked into her mouth and she felt a shiver run down her spine.  
  
She laid in bed, feeling like she was 16 again. Feeling like she'd been kissed, really kissed, for the first time in her life.

* * *

 

The following Tuesday night, she had a girl’s night with Raven and Octavia. Lincoln had to work late and Octavia invited the two over for dinner. They sat around, talking about their classes and their mutual friends.  
  
"So" Octavia began, "I'm thinking about setting Bellamy up with someone."  
  
They'd managed to keep their relationship a secret. And it wasn't hard to do, considering that even though they'd left the just-friends territory, they were still best friends. Best friends who would secretly make out with one another.  
  
"What?" Clarke exclaimed. "Why?"  
  
"Well, because he hasn't gotten with anyone since Gina. He needs it" Octavia said, shrugging her shoulders and pulling her phone out. "There's this girl I met at the gym. I think her and Bellamy could really hit it off."  
  
Jealously flared in Clarke's chest and she tried to calm herself down. She reminded herself that her friends still didn't know.  
  
"This is her" Octavia said, pulling up the girls Facebook page.  
  
Clarke and Raven moved closer to Octavia so that they could get a look at the girl. Octavia browsed through the girl’s pictures and Clarke tried to keep her face impassive. Of course the girl was gorgeous. Tall, brunette. A killer body, to top it all off. Curves in all the right places. Toned and fit, with a pair of lips Clarke could imagine how soft.  
  
"No" Clarke said, shaking her head a little. "I don't think so."  
  
"What? Why?" Raven asked, "She's definitely his type."  
  
"I just don't think that it's a good idea. He obviously hasn't gotten with anyone for a reason" Clarke said, hoping her friends couldn't hear the jealousy in her voice.  
  
"Yeah but you know what they say" Octavia said, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes before she could stop herself.  
  
"Chill out" Octavia said with an edge to her voice. "I'm just gonna introduce them. I'm not planning their fucking wedding."  
  
"Whatever" Clarke said, leaning back onto the couch. "I just don't think it's a good idea."  
  
"Why?" Octavia asked, "Cause then you can't keep him tucked away for when you're feeling lonely?"  
  
"What?" Clarke said.  
  
"Octavia, chill" Raven said from the other side.  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Clarke asked, unable to hide her agitation.  
  
"I mean, I just think it's funny how when he finds someone you get all freaked out" Octavia said, "But when he's alone you conveniently decide that you're better off as friends."  
  
"That is not true" Clarke said.  
  
"Yeah" Octavia said, "It is. You want him tucked away like some sort of back up. Like he's supposed to just wait until you come to your damn senses. Like he shouldn't get with anyone because you _might_ have feelings for him. You like knowing that he's pining after you."  
  
"Octavia!" Raven snapped, "Cut it out."  
  
"What?" Octavia said, "It's true. "  
  
"Whatever" Clarke said, rising from the couch. "Introduce them. I really don't give a shit."  
  
"I will" Octavia said.  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!" Octavia snapped.  
  
Clarke gathered her things and prepared to leave.  
  
"I'm sure they'll hit it off" Octavia said.  
  
_Like hell they will_ , Clarke angrily thought.  
  
"I hope so" she said instead, plastering a fake smile on her face.  
  
She left without another word.  
  
She contemplated texting Bellamy, telling him about the whole ordeal. But they'd just begun dating. Maybe her jealousy would freak him out? Yeah, he'd acted a little jealous when she'd brought Riley to meet the group. But it was a casual, easy jealousy. Not the stormy jealousy brewing in Clarke's chest.   
  
By the time she got home, she resigned to keep the information to herself. To let him deal with the situation. To let him figure it out, to let him tell Octavia whatever he wanted about the whole set up. A part of her was curious about it, about what he would say.

* * *

 

The rest of her week passed with a blur.  
  
Clarke found herself in good spirits that Friday, now that midterms were over and they had a full week's break from classes. And other than a family dinner with her mother and Kane on Thursday for Thanksgiving, she had no real plans.  
  
That night, Miller threw a party at the house he and Murphy rented. The entire group was in good spirits, now that they'd gotten a break from classes.  
  
Clarke walked into the shabby house. Smoke hung in the air and the walls shook with chatter and loud music. Grabbing the first cup that Miller handed her, Clarke felt the tension roll off of her back as she searched the crowded living room for familiar faces.  
  
Eventually she found herself wedged between Raven and a girl named Harper. She was one of Raven's classmates, and Clarke quickly took to the girl.  
  
Bellamy had texted her, telling her he'd show up a little late. Midterms to grade, and all that. He hadn't mentioned anything to her about the set-up that Octavia had planned for him all week. But then again, this was one of the busiest weeks of the year for him. Maybe she'd decided against it? Maybe he'd already rejected her offer and just hadn't gotten the chance to tell Clarke? They'd barely had any time to hang out this week.  
  
They quickly dropped the topic of their own midterms and final assignments with promises to improve their grades in the second half of the semester. Instead, Clarke got to know Harper while she waited for Bellamy to show up.  
  
By the time he walked through the door, Clarke was deep into a game of beer pong. She was playing Raven, who was almost as competitive as Clarke herself was. And even though seeing him made a smile break out across her face, she quickly turned her attention back to Raven.  
  
And by the time she made her way towards him, some of her anger at losing to Raven had disappeared.  
  
"Hey" she said, timidly grabbing his arm to get his attention. He was in a conversation with Octavia and Murphy. And even though he turned and smiled at her, Clarke didn't miss the way Octavia rolled her eyes.  
  
"Bell" Octavia said, fighting for her brother’s attention. "There she is. There's the girl I was telling you about."  
  
Octavia nodded towards their left and they all turned to look. Clarke spotted the girl Octavia had shown her. The girl she'd wanted to set Bellamy up with. And despite the fact that she could feel the jealousy and agitation tugging for her attention, she kept her face impassive.  
  
"What about her?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"You should go talk to her" Octavia said. "I told her about you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"No particular reason. She's pretty cool. I just figured you'd like to meet her" Octavia said.  
  
"Right" Bellamy said, rolling his eyes a little.  
  
"Well, are you gonna go talk to her or what?" Octavia asked, giving Bellamy a little shove in the girls direction.  
  
"Maybe later" Bellamy said, turning his back to the girl and looking down at Clarke. "How'd your midterm go?"  
  
"Good" Clarke said, fighting to keep the sheepish smile off of her face.  
  
"You want another drink?" Bellamy asked, his eyes playful.  
  
"I'd love one" Clarke said.

They turned on the spot and Clarke fought the urge to turn around and stick her tongue out at Octavia.  
  
"So" Clarke began as they made their way to the kitchen. "A set-up. How considerate of Octavia."  
  
She noticed the corners of Bellamy's mouth tilting up.  
  
"Are you gonna take her up on the offer?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Well, it's been a while since I've gotten laid" Bellamy said, now full on smirking.  
  
Clarke stopped in her tracks.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Relax" Bellamy said, turning to face her. "I was just kidding."  
  
"Excuse me?" she repeated, raising an eyebrow at the statement.  
  
"I mean" Bellamy quickly began, "I was kidding about thinking about it. Not the getting laid part. Wait- shit. No, I mean- it has been a while. But that's not what I-"  
  
Clarke couldn't hold the laughter in. She'd never seen Bellamy Blake look so flustered. She'd never heard him sound like a teenage boy talking to his crush.  
  
"You are such a nerd" she said, letting out another short laugh. "I was just messing with you."  
  
He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, turning away from her. But she still caught the pink blush that had crept it's way onto his face.  
  
"Oh my god, you're blushing" she said, walking up beside him and grabbing his arm. "You're blushing!"  
  
"No, I'm not" he said, looking straight ahead. "It's just a little warm in here."  
  
Clarke let out another laugh and he looked down at her. And he was smiling like her laughter made him happy. Like her smile made him smile. And she felt warmth rush through her chest, seeing that look on his face. The same look she had been giving him for the past few months.  
  
"How about that drink?" she said, fighting the urge to grab his hand and lace her fingers through his.  
  
The party went on and Bellamy stayed by her side throughout the night.  
  
Shortly after midnight, Clarke walked back into the living room after using the restroom and spotted Bellamy talking to a girl across the room. A brunette.  
  
Anger at Octavia and Bellamy washed through her. But then the girl turned to the side and Clarke got a glimpse of her profile. And she felt relief wash over her when she realized it wasn't the girl Octavia had tried to set him up with. She walked towards him, getting a better look at the girl. Clarke recognized her but she couldn't place the girl, or remember her name. Bellamy looked up and noticed her walking towards them.

"Hey" he said, once Clarke came up to stand beside him. "Clarke, this is Roma."  
  
_Roma._  
  
Clarke instantly remembered who the girl was. One of Bellamy's more-than-one-night stands. One of the girls he'd randomly hook up with every couple of months.  
  
"Hi" Clarke said, putting her hand out. "I'm Clarke. Bellamy's girlfriend."  
  
She plastered a fake smile on her face as Roma shook her hand with a surprised look on her face.  
  
"Nice to meet you" Roma said. But her voice didn't make it seem like it really was nice.  
  
"You too" Clarke said, smiling brightly. "Bellamy here is just so popular. Friends all over the place, right?"  
  
"Right" Roma said, glancing between them before awkwardly excusing herself.  
  
Clarke turned to Bellamy and noticed the amused look on his face.  
  
"Something funny?" Clarke asked.  
  
"No" he said, shaking his head a little.  
  
"She seems nice" Clarke commented, watching Roma walk away.  
  
"She is" Bellamy said. "We've been friends for a while."  
  
"Friends?" Clarke asked, "Who occasionally fuck one another?"  
  
"Clarke Griffin" Bellamy said, "Are you jealous?"  
  
"Yes" she said, looking right at him. "I am."  
  
He looked a little taken aback.  
  
"What?" she asked, "Were you expecting me to deny it?"  
  
"I was just talking to her" he said, smirking a little.  
  
"Have you forgotten that I'm your best friend?" she said, "And that I definitely know what kind of _friends_ you two were?"  
  
"Were" he said, raising an eyebrow. "Not are."  
  
"Good" Clarke said, smiling a little. "I'm not gonna apologize for that. You can be friends with whoever you want to be friends with. Even the girls you've fucked. But I'm not gonna pretend to be okay with it."  
  
"Good" he said, "I'd rather you didn't."  
  
He stepped a little closer and lowered his head.  
  
"You've got no reason to be jealous, though. If I fuck any of my friends from here on out, it'll be you."  
  
Clarke felt her cheeks flame. A shiver ran up her spine. When he pulled away and looked down at her, she couldn't recognize the look on his face. He'd never looked at her like that before.  
  
Hungry. A little lust in his dark eyes.  
  
"Hey Clarke!" Raven yelled, "We're leaving!"  
  
Clarke nodded in Raven's direction before turning back to Bellamy.  
  
"I've-I've gotta go" she said, "I'm spending the night with Raven."  
  
"Okay" Bellamy said, smirking at her. "Drive safe."  
  
"Thanks" she said, "You too. Text me when you get home."  
  
"I will."  
  
She rode home with Raven, with Harper and Octavia in the back seat.  
  
Clarke looked out the window, thinking about the way Bellamy looked at her. She crossed her legs, feeling the heat pool in her belly thinking about his face. His lips. His body. His eyes. She decided that she'd invite him over the next night.

* * *

 

After deciding not to join her friends at The Ark that Saturday night, Clarke stood in her kitchen fidgeting with the phone in her hands. She felt completely foolish for being so nervous. It was Bellamy. Her best friend. Her boyfriend, for God’s sake.  
  
And even so, she bit her nails while reading and re-reading the text she was about to send. She knew that he'd had a busy day. Midterm grades to process, grades to give out. He'd gone to Polaris earlier that day. And he'd told her that he wouldn't be able to make it to The Ark tonight.  
  
She wanted to invite him over. But he wouldn't be getting home until after 10. It'd be late. And they hadn't spent a night together since they'd officially started dating.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she pressed the send button and worried her bottom lip.  
  
_Clarke 8:56 pm: Hey, do you want to come over tonight?_  
  
She nervously waited for his reply, staring at her phone.  
  
_Bellamy 8:57 pm: I'm on the way home. Probably won't be there for another hour. It'll be late._  
  
She typed out her response and her finger lingered over the send button.  
  
_Oh my God. Stop being such a pussy._  
  
She took another deep breath and sent the text.  
  
_Clarke 8:59 pm: Yeah, I know. I was thinking that you could come over anyway. If you're not too tired._  
  
_Bellamy 9:01 pm: Okay. I'm gonna stop by my place first. 11 okay?_  
  
_Clarke 9:01 pm: Sounds good._  
  
She set her phone down and crossed her arms over her chest, fighting the anxiety washing over her. They'd never made plans to hang out that late. Especially since they were now a thing.

 _Oh my god, he totally fucking knows. He knows this is booty call. He totally fucking knows.  
_  
She began to sweat, wondering what thoughts were running through his head.  
  
While they'd moved from the just-friends territory....they'd only kissed. And even though she could feel the tension between them whenever they were alone, they hadn't acted on it. She wasn't sure how to go about the situation. Would he make a move? Would she?  
  
She stood in her kitchen for another 15 minutes, contemplating her decision to invite him over. They were taking things slow. She knew that. And as much as she had missed sex, she wasn't sure if they were _there_ yet. Having sex would change things.  
  
_Fuck it,_ she thought, hopping into the shower. She shaved and scrubbed her skin. She lathered it with a sweet smelling lotion and blow-dried her hair.  
  
By the time she walked to her room, it was almost 10. He'd be there within the hour. The thought made her want to drink. If only to relax. But if something really did happen tonight, she didn't want to be drunk for it. She stood in front of her closet, thinking about what she should wear.  
  
_Oh my god, you're a fucking lunatic,_ she thought, throwing aside another shirt. She wanted to look casual and cute. But everything she put on didn't make her feel that way. Everything felt calculated. And the last thing she wanted was for him to realize just how thirsty she was.  
  
She put on a set she'd recently gotten at Victoria's Secret. A pale lilac bra with black lace trimming and panties to match. The set made her feel good. It made her feel sexy. The bra fit her just right and the panties didn't make the flesh on her hips pudge out. She stared in the mirror, noticing the way the color complemented her pale skin.  
  
And then, she heard a knock on her door.  
  
_Holy fuck!_ she thought, picking her phone up to glance at the clock. It was 10:55 and he was here.  
  
She heard another knock and picked up the t-shirt at the foot of her bed. It was one of his. An old Nirvana t-shirt she often wore to bed. She glanced around the room, panic making her chest heave.  
  
She heard another knock and cursed herself, leaving the room in the t-shirt and bare legs. The shirt came down to her thighs anyway. He wouldn't see anything.  
  
She ran to the door and threw it open, feeling foolish.  
  
"What took so long?" Bellamy asked. He looked her over from head to toe and she felt her cheeks flame. "Nice legs."

"S-sorry" she stuttered, "I was just changing."  
  
She moved to the side and let him in.  
  
"I don't mind" he said, shrugging his jacket off. "That's a good look on you."  
  
His hair was still damp and he had that fucking blue t-shirt on again. And of course, he looked completely casual.  
  
"Nice shirt" he added, stepping through the threshold.  
  
"Thanks" she said, closing the door behind her.  
  
He walked towards the living room and sat down on the couch while she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.  
  
"Well, don't change for my sake" he said with a smirk on his face.  
  
She rolled her eyes and timidly walked towards him, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch.  
  
"How was your day?" she asked, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her.  
  
As he talked about the day he'd had, mostly grading papers and responding to emails from students begging for extra credit, Clarke couldn't help but think about what she was wearing under the shirt.  
  
A matching set. She suddenly recalled a joke she'd heard on one of the various TV shows she watched, about a woman only wearing a matching set if she knew she was getting laid. She had laughed about it with Octavia and Raven. All three of them joked about it, recalling all the times they'd done just that.  
  
_You are NOT taking this goddamn shirt off_ , she thought to herself, watching his lips move but not hearing the words he was speaking.  
  
"Like I'm supposed to believe that your laptop crashed the day the paper was due" Bellamy said, rolling his eyes. "I mean, shit. Be a little more creative. You know?"  
  
Clarke nodded, not even sure what she was agreeing with.  
  
"So what did you do all day?" Bellamy asked, turning his attention from the TV to Clarke.  
  
"Nothing really" Clarke said, "Mostly just sat around."  
  
_And thought about ways to seduce you._  
  
He smirked like he knew exactly what she was thinking.  
  
"Are you hungry?" she asked, mostly for something to do.  
  
"Not really" he said, shifting a little closer.

"I-I kinda want some ice cream" she said, rising from the couch. She walked towards the kitchen, wondering why the fuck she felt so nervous. She'd been in this situation before. The more logical part of her brain knew that this was normal. That sex for the first time with any partner felt like this. But she couldn't remember if she'd ever felt _this_ nervous with any of her other partners. Maybe it was different with him because it'd taken a lot longer to get to this place. They'd been friends for five, almost six years now.  
  
She knew his body. She knew the way it felt. She knew the sound of his heart beat and she knew that his skin was warm and his muscles were toned. She knew that.  
  
He followed behind her. She opened the freezer, hoping the cool air would make her face feel less hot. She heard him hoist himself onto the counter as she took the carton of ice cream out. She grabbed two spoons, reminding herself that nothing had to happen tonight. They could eat their ice cream, watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch. Or he could go home.  
  
She sat beside him and ate her ice cream in silence, thinking about the possibility of having another normal night.  
  
But the thought of him going home made her sad. She wanted him to spend the night. And she wanted to know what his body would feel like, pressed against hers. And not just in the falling-asleep-on-the-couch kind of way.  
  
"Why are you so nervous?" he asked from beside her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I asked why you were so nervous" he said.  
  
_Oh great._  
  
"I'm not" she said, shrugging a little.  
  
"Right" he said, turning away and smiling a little. "It must be me."  
  
She bit down on her bottom lip, hating that her nervous behavior was so obvious. But then again, he did know her better than most people did. Of course he could tell.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" he said, hopping off the counter and placing his spoon in the sink.  
  
"Nothing really" she said, shoveling another bite of ice cream into her mouth. "Mostly about how much I love this cookie dough ice cream."  
  
"Yeah?" he said, leaning against the opposite side of the counter. "That all?"  
  
"Y-Yeah" she said, looking up at him.  
  
"I don't think so" he said, smiling a little.  
  
"Well, what do you think I'm thinking about?" she challenged.  
  
"I'd rather show you" he said.  
  
_Holy shit._  
  
He pushed off the counter and stepped towards her, stopping when he stood right between her legs. He placed a hand on each of her thighs and she put the carton of ice cream down. She swallowed thickly, feeling the heat pool in her belly. He ran his hands up her thighs and the hairs on her arms stood, goosebumps covered her arms.  
  
"Don't be nervous" he said, staring at her lips. "I'll only fuck you if you want me to."  
  
She felt like she could choke on her own tongue.

She knew many sides of him. She knew the more open part of him. The part that would easily talk to strangers and tell people what he thought of them. She knew the way he'd relax and become a lot more laid back when he was drunk. She knew the angry, tense part of him when he was pissed off. She knew the more private parts of him, parts he'd only let her see when it was 1 am and they were drunk or high. The sensitive parts of him that only came out whenever he talked about his mother or his sister. The funny and charming part of him when he'd flirt with girls and the sweet, kind parts of him that had sympathy for those less fortunate than him.  
  
But she didn't know this side.  
  
"Do you-" she began, fighting to keep her voice even. "Do you want to?"  
  
"Of course I do" he said, gripping her hips and pulling her closer to the edge of the counter. "But only if you want to. If you're not ready, we can wait. I've waited a long time for this. I promise I can wait longer."  
  
"I-I don't think I can" she said, staring at his lips. "Wait, I mean. I don't think I can wait any more."  
  
"Yeah?" he said, searching her eyes like he needed confirmation.  
  
She nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.  
  
As soon as she felt his lips on hers, the panic and nervousness that had engulfed her disappeared. Instead, she felt anticipation. And curiosity.  
  
She pulled him closer, feeling his chest against hers.  
  
And when he parted his lips, her tongue licked into his mouth and she felt the grip he had on her hips grow a little tighter. His lips moved more feverishly and she met every kiss, every stroke of his tongue with her own. She let herself touch all the parts of him that she'd kept herself from touching. His broad shoulders, his arms. His back. She ran her fingers through his hair and he pulled her closer to the edge of the counter. She crossed her ankles behind his back and pulled him as close as possible, feeling his body against hers in a way that was new to her.  
  
After a couple of minutes, he pulled away and it only made her want him closer.  
  
"I don't want to fuck you in the kitchen" he said, a little breathless. "Not for the first time, anyway."  
  
She giggled like she was 15 again as he pulled her completely off the counter, placing his hands under her bottom. He carried her out of the kitchen, down the short hallway that led to her room.

The lights from the front room lit her bedroom up enough for him to step over all the clothes and random junk left haphazardly on her floor. He placed her down onto the bed and stood at the foot, staring down at her with his pupils dilated, making his eyes look darker than she'd ever seen them.  
  
"Take it off" he said, pulling his own shirt off in one swift motion.  
  
Clarke sat up and lifted her shirt over her head. She laid back down, staring up at him and bit her lip in anticipation.  
  
His hands went to his belt but his eyes trailed over her body like he was seeing it, really seeing it, for the first time.  
  
After pulling his pants down he joined her on the bed, on his knees, right between hers.  
  
"That looks..." he began, grazing his eyes over her body again. “You look so fucking good."  
  
Clarke flushed, feeling the heat from her cheeks to her toes.  
  
"So you just knew you'd be getting laid, didn't you?" he asked, running a hand down the inside of her thigh. "Or do you always wear sexy lingerie underneath all your old t-shirts?"  
  
She bit down on her lip, feeling a little embarrassed.  
  
"Don't be embarrassed" he said, touching the little bow at the very center of her underwear. "You're sexy when you're confident. In fact, your confidence has always turned me on. Since the first day we met."  
  
"Really?" she asked, feeling a shiver run down her spine when he ran a finger down the lacy pattern of her underwear.  
  
"Really" he said.  
  
He bent down and kissed her like he'd never kissed her before. He must have been restraining himself, all those other times they kissed. But now, he didn't hold back. He kissed her hard and deep, cupping her jaw with one hand and giving her hip a squeeze with the other.  
  
Clarke felt her whole body flush. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, marveling at the feel of his body against hers. She was familiar with his body. With the way it felt and the way it moved. And having him this close, so close felt good. Like his body fit against hers in all the right ways.  
  
She raked her nails down his back, feeling his feverish lips on her jaw. Her neck.  
  
He pressed his lips to her pulse point, running his tongue over the soft skin before lightly biting down on the sensitive flesh. She let out a throaty moan, encouraging him to keep kissing down her neck. His hands ran up her thighs. The sides of her waist. He hesitated for the fraction of a second before palming her left breast, placing just enough pressure behind the touch to make her arch her back.  
  
She chased after his lips, snaking her tongue into his mouth. Hoping to make him feel as needy as she felt.  
  
His hand went under her back and quickly unclasped her bra. He pushed off of her, sitting back on his knees. He kept his eyes on hers as his hands went to the straps on her shoulders, pulling her bra off.

Clarke could feel the heat in her cheeks as his eyes lazily trailed down from hers, taking in her mostly naked body underneath him. Even in the semi-darkness, Clarke could see his eyes darken.  
  
While he studied her, she took the opportunity to let her own eyes roam over his body. He looked tanner, wedged between her pale thighs. She'd seen him shirtless before. It always made her feel a little funny. A little curious. She wanted to know what it felt like. She reached forward and trailed her fingertips down his bare chest, finding herself more turned on by him than she'd ever felt.  
  
Her fingers dipped lower and hooked into the waistband of his boxers. She looked up and saw her own lust reflected in his dark and hungry eyes.  
  
He closed the space between them, pressing his bare chest to hers and all of a sudden, Clarke couldn't remember why she'd been so nervous. She knew this body. She'd spent years with it. And they'd always been so in sync, so close. So it shouldn't have come as a surprise, finding that having his body pressed to hers felt right.  
  
His hips fit perfectly between her thighs. The feel of his fingertips on her skin felt natural. Like he'd already touched every single inch of her body. Like he knew her body as well as he knew his.  
  
It didn't feel like it was their first time. He seemed to know that she loved having her neck kissed. That she liked having a firm hand on her hip, lips at her ear and most of his weight on top of her body.  
  
He kissed down her neck, his hands and lips moving more urgently than before. She drew in a deep breath, feeling his lips closing around one nipple while his fingers pinched and rolled the other. Her hips instinctively bucked against his, searching for friction.  
  
She grabbed at the sheets beneath her, feeling her nails digging into her palm, trying to suppress a moan building in the back of her throat. He gently bit down around her nipple and all her resolve left her body with a shudder. She let a quiet, whiny moan slip past her lips and he finally, finally moved on.  
  
Her breaths became more rapid and shallow the further his mouth trailed from hers. He left messy, wet kisses down her stomach.  
  
She found it a little hard to breathe, feeling his lips getting closer and closer to where she wanted them. He dipped his head and placed a kiss right below the pretty bow of her panties. A shudder ran down her spine, feeling his lips between her things.  
  
"You know how long I've wanted to taste you?" he mumbled, his head still between her thighs.  
  
"Show me" she said, her voice sounding confident and sultry to her own ears.  
  
He looked up at her with a devilish smirk before hooking his fingers through the material at her hips. He slowly dragged her panties down her hips, throwing them behind his shoulder before leaning back down. He planted kisses up the inside of her left thigh and Clarke felt the anticipation making her hands shake. She ran her fingers through his hair and realized that tonight was the first time she'd ever done that. It was a lot softer than she imagined it being. And she couldn't help but think how nice it looked, knotted between her fingers.  
  
She stifled a shudder when she felt the first stroke of his tongue. She was beyond wet by that point, but she couldn't find it in herself to feel embarrassed about it. It'd been a long time for her. And this was Bellamy. She'd imagined this scenario more times than she'd care to admit.  
  
He teased her with long strokes of his tongue, not using as much pressure as she wished he would like he knew it would drive her mad with lust. She felt herself growing tense while he continued to tease her with long strides and short flicks of his tongue.  
  
"Bellamy" she whined, bucking her hips. But the firm grasp he had on her hips kept them pinned to the bed.  
  
He finally increased the pressure, snaking one hand between her thighs. His lips circled around her clit, trapping it between his warm lips. And without any warning, he stuck two fingers inside of her and she gasped at the sensation.  
  
He didn't pause to let her get adjusted to the feeling, easily pulling them out before pushing them back in. He continued on, fucking her with his fingers while she squirmed beneath him.  
  
She could feel that familiar coil in her belly. Her thighs began to shake. He crooked his fingers, touching a spot deep inside of her, making her toes curl. Her fingers grasped the dark brown curls a little tighter. One last flick of his tongue gave way to tension building in her core and she clamped down on his fingers. Her orgasm washed through her in waves, made her legs shake. A loud moan left the back of her throat before she could swallow it down.

He lifted his head, watching her come down. She bit down on her bottom lip, too turned on to care about the sounds that he'd drawn from her.  
  
He turned and pushed off of the bed and for a second she was worried that it was through. That that was all she'd be getting tonight. But as soon as he picked his jeans up, pulling a condom from his back pocket, a new wave of anticipation washed over her.  
  
He climbed back onto the bed, ripping the package open with his teeth.  
  
"So you just knew you'd be getting laid tonight?" she said, eagerly watching as he pulled his boxers off. He smirked at her before rolling the condom on.  
  
"No" he said, stroking his cock a few times, keeping his eyes on her. "But I'd hoped."  
  
She giggled under his gaze, feeling light and happy. The nerves that had encompassed her before had disappeared. This was Bellamy. A part of her felt like this was always bound to happen. Like she'd loved him long before she'd realized it.  
  
"I figured you weren't just calling me over in the middle of the night for a platonic cuddling session" he said, scooting closer to get between her thighs.  
  
She laughed again and he smiled the smile she'd grown to love. She smiled back, wanting him to know just how happy she was.  
  
But the smile vanished when she felt the head of his cock between her thighs, rubbing at her clit and between her folds. She bit down on her lip again, wanting nothing more than to know what it'd feel like to have him inside of her.  
  
He slowly pushed into her, inch by inch, all the while staring down at her like he knew it turned her on. There was just something about eye contact during sex that made her want it that much more.  
  
He licked his bottom lip and she reached out, wanting to have him closer. He bent down until their foreheads were touching, their eyes locked on one another's.  
  
When he'd finally pushed all the way in, he stopped to let her get adjusted. For a few moments, she felt a little uncomfortable. It'd been a long time for her and it felt unfamiliar, being stretched and full.  
  
After a little while, with a tiny nod of her head he began to move, pulling all the way out before slowly pushing back in.  
  
He kept his forehead pressed to hers and she kept a firm grip on his bicep with one hand. The other found it's way to his hair, keeping his head steady while his body moved on top of her.  
  
He kissed her, all wet tongue and she shivered at the taste of herself on his lips. He picked up the pace, thrusting into her. Her kisses grew wet and messy, chasing after his tongue, fighting for dominance.  
  
She dug her fingernails into the flesh and muscle at his back, moaning into his mouth after a particularly hard thrust that made her whole body tingle. The exchange woke something in him and his hips snapped into hers, a guttural noise coming from the back of his throat.  
  
He pulled all the way out and sat back on his knees, grabbing her hips and turning her onto her stomach so quickly she felt a shiver run down her spine.  
  
"Fuck" he said from behind her, panting a little.  
  
He grabbed her hips and hoisted them up until she was on her knees, too. She rose on shaky elbows, finding herself even more turned on than before at his dominance.   
  
"I can't tell you how many fucking times I've thought about this" he said.  
  
"W-What?" she stuttered, feeling him pushing back into her from behind.  
  
His hand trailed up her spine and grabbed her hair, wrapping it around his hand before giving it a tug. She gasped in surprise.  
  
"This" he said, giving her hair another tug. Her head snapped back, feeling a new wave of heat wash through her.  
  
He fucked her from behind, hard and fast, keeping a firm grip on her hair and an even firmer grip on one hip.  
  
"Oh my god" she choked out, loving the sound of his muscle snapping into her soft flesh.  
  
He pulled her back by her hair until she stood on her knees, her back pressed to his front. He took the hand from her hair and brought it to her chest, rolling her nipple between two fingers. His other hand went to her clit, rubbing short and tight circles into it while he fucked her from behind.  
  
She titled her head until she could get her lips back onto his. He kissed her deep and dirty until she broke away, gasping for air. Her orgasm ripped through her, surprising both of them with it's intensity. She clenched around him, leaning her head back onto his shoulder, moaning his name as her body shook from the force.  
  
He slowly fucked her through her orgasm, keeping her upright.  
  
After the last wave washed over her, he pushed her back down onto the bed and she rolled onto her back. He pressed his sweaty forehead to hers again and thrust into her a couple more times before his own orgasm tore through him.  
  
She kept her eyes on his, breathing heavy and running her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes, throbbing inside of her.  
  
"I love you" she whispered before she could stop herself. She couldn't help it. She'd felt so open and so happy. And she loved him so goddamn much.  
  
His eyes snapped open, glancing from her eyes to her lips like he didn't really believe that the words had come from her mouth.  
  
"I-I love you too" he said, throaty and deep.  
  
It wasn't until her body had cooled down, laying bedside his sleeping form that she'd realized it.  
  
He had paused. Before he'd said it back. He hesitated.

* * *

 

She woke up on Sunday morning, wrapped in her comforter with sunlight streaming through the window in her room.  
  
For a couple of minutes, she felt totally and completely at ease. She wasn't sure why. But as soon as she'd opened her eyes, she felt serene. Like everything was right in the world. Well, in her world.  
  
But then an unfamiliar ache came from between her thighs and the memories from the night before washed over her. She closed her eyes, thinking about the way his fingertips had burned her skin. The soft feel of his mouth. The nooks and crevices and muscle and bone that she got to explore. The way his tongue had felt against her. The smell that still clung to her sheets, her skin.  
  
She timidly turned to the side, hoping to find him. But the other side of the bed was unoccupied.  
  
Suddenly, she remembered that moment. That tiny, little moment right before he told her that he loved her, too.  
  
_You're just being paranoid,_ she thought, lifting her comforter to her nose so that his scent would linger for just a little while longer.  
  
She rose from the bed, grabbing the t-shirt she'd been wearing the night before and nothing else. She tiptoed out of her room, hoping to find him. Hoping that he hadn't already left. She didn't want to think about what it would mean if he had.  
  
And to her relief, she heard him before she saw him. Well, not him. Not really. She heard the coffee maker, but that had to mean that he was still around.  
  
She walked to the kitchen, feeling a little nervous. They'd taken a big step. And now, they really couldn't go back. Even if they wanted to. Which Clarke didn't even want to consider.

"Hey" she said, leaning against the fridge and crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
"Hey" he said, smiling a little. He took two mugs out of her cupboard and turned to look at her. "Coffee?"  
  
She nodded, watching as he poured them each a cup. She opened the fridge, pulling out a quart of milk. She accepted the mug with a smile. She noticed that he was fully dressed. That his keys were already on the kitchen counter.  
  
"Sleep well?" he asked, bringing the mug to his lips and leaning back against the sink.  
  
"Yeah" she said, standing on the opposite side. "You?"  
  
"I did" he said.  
  
They stood in silence for a couple of minutes and Clarke couldn't help but wonder what was going through his head.  
  
"I've gotta go" he said, setting his cup down in the sink. "I've still got some things to finish up. I'm heading back to Polaris. I should be back tonight, though."  
  
"Oh" Clarke said, feeling a little disappointed. "Right."  
  
He stepped towards her and she gripped her mug a little harder. He reached around, grabbing his keys from the counter.  
  
"I'll see you later" he said, leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on her lips.  
  
He moved to leave the kitchen and she followed behind him. As soon as his hand was on the doorknob, she found her voice.  
  
"So, uh...do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?" she asked.  
  
"Not really" he said, turning to look back at her.  
  
"I was just thinking that...that you could come with me to my mom’s" she said.  
  
"You want me to meet your parents?"  
  
"Well, it's just my mom and Kane. And you've already met my mom once" she quickly said, "I-I just figured I'd ask because I know that Octavia is going to Lincoln's family gathering and I-I just thought it might be-"  
  
"Alright" he said, cutting her off.  
  
She exhaled, feeling a weight lift off of her chest.  
  
"Yeah?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah" he said, nodding a little. "Sounds good."  
  
"Okay" she said, smiling up at him.  
  
"I'll text you later" he said, opening the door and stepping through.

Clarke sighed in relief. Maybe he had paused. But maybe it was because she'd taken him by surprise with her confession. And maybe he was acting a little weird, but they really had taken a big step. He'd agreed to meet her mother and Kane. To spend a holiday with them. That was another big step for them, for their relationship.  
  
Afterwards, Clarke called her mother and caught up with her. She and Kane still lived in the city, but Clarke had been so busy the past few months that she hadn't found the time to visit them that much. She'd occasionally stop by for dinner. But it'd been a while.  
  
Just before hanging up, she casually dropped the fact that Bellamy would be coming with her to Thanksgiving dinner.  
  
"Bellamy Blake?" her mother asked. "Octavia's older brother?"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, "Him."  
  
"Alright" Abby said.  
  
Clarke didn't want to go into the details. And she wasn't really sure if she was ready to, not just yet. If she told Abby, then this whole thing would get blown out of proportion. She didn't want to put Bellamy in that position. They hadn't even been together for that long.  
  
"Octavia's going to Lincoln's family dinner. And Bellamy and I are pretty close so...I thought it'd be okay" she said.  
  
"Of course it's okay, honey" Abby said.  
  
After hanging up, Clarke spent a little time cleaning her apartment. Again, she wished that her friends were privy to her relationship with Bellamy. She wanted to talk about their relationship, about the night they had, with another person. But she figured that the time would come, eventually. They were getting serious. They'd either have to tell their friends, or they would find out. Soon enough.  
  
Since she had a free Sunday, she decided to grab an early dinner with Raven and Monty that Sunday night.  
  
By the time that she slid into the booth, Raven and Monty were deep into a conversation about some girl that Clarke didn't know.  
  
"Hey guys" she said, picking up a menu and glancing over it.  
  
"Hey yourself" Raven said, giving Clarke a glance. "You look positively radiant this evening."  
  
Clarke felt the blush creep into her cheeks. She'd felt so well rested, so de-stressed and happy that she couldn't hide the smile on her face.  
  
"Thanks" she said.  
  
"Does it have anything to do with you being too busy to come to The Ark last night?" Monty asked.  
  
"No" Clarke quickly said. Even so, she blushed a little deeper. Raven grabbed the menu from her hands, an accusing look in her eye.  
  
"You hooked up with someone, didn't you?" Raven accused.  
  
"What? No-I just...I'm just glad we got a break from class" Clarke stuttered.  
  
"No, no" Raven said, "I know your _classes are on break_ face."  
  
"And that's not it" Monty added.  
  
"That's your _I got a good dose of vitamin D_ face!" Raven exclaimed. "You hooked up with someone, didn't you?"  
  
"Raven!"  
  
"Or was it a dose of vitamin P?" Raven asked.  
  
All three broke out in laughter, only stopping when the waitress arrived to take their orders.  
  
"Who were you guys talking about?" Clarke asked, hoping to change the subject.  
  
"Raven met someone" Monty said.  
  
"What? Who?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Just-just this girl..." Raven began, an unusual pink color spreading through her cheeks. "One of Harper's friends. Who, by the way, hasn't stopped asking about you, Monty."  
  
After that, all they talked about were the two girls. Clarke felt so, so happy for her friends. Monty seemed surprised at Harper's interest, although Clarke could tell that he definitely reciprocated the feelings. And Raven was uncharacteristically smitten with Luna, a yoga instructor and long-time friend of Harper's.  
  
Before she knew it, Clarke made plans to have a small get together at her apartment the following Friday. She encouraged both friends to invite the two girls, and they only agreed once Clarke promised that she'd keep her mouth shut about their prospective crushes.  
  
By the time she got home, she'd already sent out a group text to her friends, inviting them over for said get together that Friday.

She felt a little disappointed, getting ready for bed. Bellamy hadn't texted her all day, even though he said he would. She reminded herself that he really was busy. And that she didn't need an excuse to text him first. She never had to think about it before, though.  
  
_Clarke 9:47 pm: Did you make it home okay?_  
  
She crawled into bed, happy to find that his scent still lingered on her comforter.  
  
_Bellamy 9:48 pm: Not yet. Just now finishing up. Did you have a good day?_  
  
_Clarke 9:49 pm: Yeah, I did. Mostly just laid around. Had dinner with Raven and Monty. They've got crushes!! I'm playing matchmaker and throwing a small get together on Friday night. Are you gonna be free?_  
  
_Bellamy 9:52 pm: I should be, yeah. Can't wait to meet them. Hope they're good enough._  
  
_Clarke 9:53 pm: I think they will be. They're both totally smitten. It's cute._  
  
_Bellamy 9:54 pm: Yeah, there's a lot of that going around._  
  
_Bellamy 9:55 pm: Love is in the air, and all that shit._  
  
Clarke smiled to herself.  
  
_Clarke 9:56 pm: "And all that shit"? Romance killer._  
  
_Bellamy 9:57 pm: I'm very romantic, I'll have you know._  
  
_Clarke 9:58 pm: Right..._  
  
_Bellamy 9:58 pm: I'm heading home._  
  
_Clarke 9:59 pm: Drive safe!!_  
  
_Bellamy 10:06 pm: No booty call tonight?_  
  
Clarke felt a little hot all of a sudden.  
  
_Bellamy 10:07 pm: Or is it "Netflix and chill" nowadays?_  
  
_Clarke 10:08 pm: You are so fucking old._  
  
_Bellamy 10:09 pm: Shit, I know._  
  
_Clarke 10:10 pm: Anyway, drive safe. You can come over...if you want to._  
  
She worried her bottom lip, hoping that he'd agree.  
  
_Bellamy 10:13 pm: As much as I'd love to, I don't think I can tonight. I'm old. Gotta get some sleep. Meetings tomorrow and Tuesday._  
  
Clarke couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.  
  
_Clarke 10:15 pm: Alright. Text me when you get home._  
  
_Bellamy 10:15 pm: Will do. Goodnight._

* * *

Monday passed and still, he was too busy to hang out with her. So on Tuesday, she decided to go for it. He had said that he loved her confidence, after all.  
  
Since he had gone to Polaris earlier that day, Clarke decided that she'd surprise him at work. She packed a late lunch, consisting of sandwiches and apple wedges, and made her way to Polaris to surprise him.  
  
The university was huge, and mostly empty now that students were gone for the holiday week. But she eventually found her way towards the history department with the help of a friendly janitor.  
  
She stepped into the building and looked over the signs, finding one that told her that the offices were located on the third floor. As soon as she stepped through the elevator doors, she found her path blocked by a familiar face.  
  
Gina.  
  
_Oh shit._  
  
"Clarke" Gina said, seeming a little surprised. "Hey. What are you doing here?"  
  
"H-Hey Gina" Clarke said, clutching her lunch tote a little tighter. "I-I just dropped by to...to bring Bellamy some lunch."  
  
"Oh" Gina said, giving Clarke a once over. "He didn't mention anything about it. I would have asked him to wait if I would have known you were coming. I didn't know he had plans."  
  
"No, no" Clarke said, shaking her head a little, "I actually didn't check with him. I-I was just going to surprise him..."  
  
Gina nodded.  
  
"Well, it was good to see you" she said, but her smile didn't seem that genuine.  
  
She stepped past Clarke and got into the elevator. Clarke gave her a smile in return before awkwardly stepping out and making her way down the hall.  
  
She considered leaving. Pretending that she'd never even stopped by. But what if Gina mentioned it to Bellamy?  
  
_Fuck._  
  
She wasn't sure about how it made her feel. She figured that Gina and Bellamy still stayed in contact. They worked at the same place. But she couldn't deny that the idea of them actually hanging out with one another made her a little uncomfortable.  
  
_You're being ridiculous,_ she thought. Gina was a nice person. There was no reason that Bellamy couldn't still be friends with her. And so what if they had lunch together? Friends did that. Just because she wasn't friends with her two exes didn't mean that Bellamy couldn't be.  
  
She awkwardly made her way to his office, thinking about how stupid the entire situation was. Most of the rooms were closed. But there was one almost at the end of the hall with the door open. She took a deep breath before peeking inside.  
  
Bellamy sat at a large wooden desk, typing away on his computer with books and papers littering the surface. She timidly stepped through, knocking on the wooden door to get his attention.  
  
"Clarke" he said, "Hey. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Have time for another meeting, professor?"  
  
He smiled, leaning back in his chair. He motioned to one of the two chairs across from his desk.  
  
Clarke stepped inside, looking around his office. He had a nice view of the campus from the large window behind him. Two bookshelves lined the other wall, full of binders and textbooks. A painting of the American Revolution hung between the two shelves.

"Sorry for dropping by unannounced" she said, taking a seat across from him. "I-I know you're busy and all. And I just felt like surprising you. I haven't seen you for a couple of days and I..." She found it a little hard to hold his gaze. "I kind of missed you."  
  
She peeked up at him, noticing an unusually soft look on his face.  
  
"That's..." he began, "That's sweet of you, Clarke. I'm glad you came by."  
  
She smiled, feeling herself relax.  
  
"I brought you lunch" she said, reaching into her tote. She pulled out the sandwiches and the bag of apple wedges.  
  
She'd never been one for grand romantic gestures. Or romantic gestures of any kind. She'd been swept of her feet, surprised with gifts and movie-like date nights in the past. But she herself had never been good at these sort of things.  
  
"Oh!" she said, "I almost forgot!"  
  
She searched through her tote, pulling out three small bags of candy.  
  
"Dessert" she said, smiling at him. "I know it's not much but..." she trailed off.  
  
He smiled back.  
  
"What?" she asked when he didn't say anything back.  
  
"Nothing" he said, shaking his head a little but continuing to smile at her. "You're just...You're so fucking cute when you get all flustered."  
  
She rolled her eyes.  
  
"I am not flustered" she said. But even so, she could feel her cheeks heating up.  
  
He stood up and closed the door to his office.  
  
"Yeah you are" he said, sitting back down and reaching forward to grab the bag of Swedish Fish gummies she'd placed on the desk. "It's kind of adorable."  
  
"Adorable?" she repeated, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not a child, Bellamy."  
  
"I know" he said, smirking a little. "But you are cute. And adorable. Shit, I can't believe I just used the word adorable. Twice. What the fuck are you doing to me, Griffin?"  
  
She laughed, feeling giddy for the first time in maybe ever.  
  
"So I ran into Gina on my way here" she said, unwrapping her sandwich.  
  
"Oh, uh...we had lunch together. There's only a few of us here so..." he trailed off.  
  
"I'm glad" Clarke said, "I'm glad that you guys are still friends."  
  
"I would have waited for you, if you would have told me" he said.  
  
"It's okay, Bellamy. I just wanted to surprise you" she said, shrugging. "It's no big deal. It's just a sandwich."  
  
"I'm still going to eat it" he said, reaching forward to grab it. "I mean, you went to all this trouble so I'm definitely going to."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous" Clarke said, "You don't have to."  
  
"I want to" he said, "I love..." he began, studying the sandwich, trying to figure out what kind it was. "Peanut butter and jelly...?"  
  
She threw an apple slice at him, smiling so hard her cheeks started to ache. They ate in comfortable silence, sneaking glances at one another.  
  
"You never did tell me..." Clarke began, "About what happened with you and Gina."  
  
She hoped that it was okay that she was asking. She'd thought about it, a few times over the past couple of months. But the more time that passed, the less she had thought about it. And now, after seeing Gina, she grew curious again.  
  
"It just didn't work out" he said, shrugging his shoulders. "She, uh, she didn't think I was as committed to the relationship as she was."  
  
"Oh" Clarke said. She couldn't really think of a better response.  
  
"She kind of implied that our relationship was the problem" he said, "Even though I told her that we are just friends."  
  
Clarke swallowed thickly.  
  
"Were" he said, "I meant to say that we were just friends. I mean, at the time, yes we were just friends. We're obviously not...not just friends anymore and-and she knows that, now, but I just meant- fuck-" he sighed.  
  
"You're so cute when you're flustered" Clarke said, smirking at him. "So _adorable_."  
  
He laughed, running a hand through his hair.  
  
God, she loved that fucking laugh.

* * *

 

Clarke sat down on her couch, worrying her bottom lip. She hated the uneasy feeling in her gut. But something was wrong. She knew it. She felt it.  
  
It was Thursday night and he'd just dropped her off. They'd had a pleasant Thanksgiving dinner with her mother and Kane. Since neither Abby nor Kane had any living relatives that lived in the vicinity of Arkadia, it had only been the four of them. And it really had been a pleasant dinner. Both Abby and Kane seemed to like Bellamy. He seemed to like them back.  
  
And it meant so much to her, having her mother and Kane like Bellamy. Abby had her problems, as all mother do, but Clarke loved her mother. They were close. And she liked Kane, too. He made her mother happy. He'd never tried to force a relationship with Clarke. He respected the step-daughter step-father boundaries. He was kind. He was a friend.  
  
But Clarke knew Bellamy. Her mother and Kane might not have noticed the way he never fully seemed to relax. The tense stance of his shoulders. The occasional clench of his jaw. The way his leg shook underneath the table. The way his smile never really reached his eyes. But she had noticed.  
  
She could feel it.  
  
And no matter how many times she thought about it, it all came back to Saturday night. The night they'd had sex for the first time. The night she told him she loved him. Ever since then, he'd been acting a little different.

  
She'd felt it, the days after. But she'd chalked it up to the turn their relationship had taken. She'd decided that the little instances where she'd felt like he'd been distant were all in her head.  
  
But now, it didn't really feel like that. Like it was in her head. Something was wrong.  
  
She tried to approach the subject during their drive back from her mother's. But when she asked if everything was okay, he didn't hesitate before placing a hand on her knee and telling her that _everything was fine._  
  
But it wasn't.  
  
And now she couldn't really control the thoughts that were running through her head. She couldn't control the whirlwind of emotion that washed over her, making her worry about the change in their relationship.  
  
Maybe it was the sex. Maybe he hadn't felt the way she'd been feeling. Maybe it was her ' _I love you_ '. Maybe it was the carefree tone she'd used when she'd said it. Maybe it was the words themselves.  
  
She didn't know what it was. But she knew that something had changed. It scared her, not knowing.

* * *

 

By nine pm on Friday night, her small get-together was in full swing. Her living room was crowded, her friends sprawled across various surfaces. Music played from the speakers Monty had hooked up to his phone. Her friends were drinking, laughing with one another.  
  
Raven and Luna sat next to each other on the couch.  
  
Clarke caught Raven's eye and gave her a subtle thumbs up, earning a subtle middle finger from Raven in return. Harper and Monty sat on the floor, laughing about something.  
  
The night was _almost_ perfect.  
  
But she'd gone to bed the night before with the uneasy feeling still in her gut, and she'd woken with it the next morning. And now, it lingered in her chest, watching Bellamy tease Octavia on the other side of the room.  
  
He looked up and caught her gaze, smiling at her before she could turn away. She smiled back, and it didn't feel real. And even though she was having a good time, she just wanted to the night to end. She wanted a chance to talk to Bellamy, alone, so that she could get some insight on what was going on in his head.  
  
She went into the kitchen to grab another bottle of Jack Daniels for her friends. She'd just set the bottle on the counter when she heard someone walking into the kitchen. She looked up, finding Bellamy leaning against the counter, watching her.  
  
"Hey" he said, smiling at her before pushing the sleeves of his sweater up to his elbows. "Do you need help?"  
  
"Could you grab another pack of those plastic red cups? They're in the cupboard above you" she said, turning back to open the bottle.

She felt him come up behind her before he placed the pack of cups down on the counter in front of her.  
  
"Think I could stay the night?" he said, placing a hand on her hip. "I'm a little drunk."  
  
"Y-Yeah" she said, ripping the bag open.  
  
She could feel his body behind her, his fingertips sneaking under the hem of her shirt to grab at the flesh on her hips.  
  
"You having a good time?" he asked, lowering his head until his lips were at her ear.  
  
"I am" she said, feeling a shiver run down her spine at his closeness.  
  
"You seem a little tense" he says, moving his hand from her hip to her ass.  
  
"I-I.." she stuttered, losing track of her thoughts.  
  
"Clarke! What's taking so long?" Raven yelled, sauntering into the kitchen.  
  
Bellamy moved to the side, but he kept his hand on ass, giving it a little squeeze while Clarke turned to face Raven.  
  
"N-Nothing" she said, keeping a firm grip on the bottle.  
  
"I'm so nervous" Raven said, walking up to snatch the bottle from her hands. She grabbed a cup and opened the bottle, pouring more than her usual amount into the cup. "She's just...she's so..." Raven said, shaking her head a little.  
  
"She seems great, Raven" Bellamy said, sliding his hand into the back pocket of Clarke's jeans.  
  
"Right?" Raven said, smiling at them. "She makes me so nervous. I feel like I'm talking too much. Have I been talking too much?"  
  
"No, Raven" Clarke said, "You're talking the appropriate amount. She seems into you."  
  
"God, I hope so" Raven said, taking a long sip. "Is it cool if I crash here tonight? I've had like five drinks already."  
  
"Sure" Clarke said, jumping a little when she felt Bellamy's hand slide from her pocket to between her thighs. "The more the merrier, right?"  
  
"Right" Bellamy said, smirking at her.  
  
"Why are you guys acting so weird?" Raven questioned, glancing between them. "No, forget it. I probably don't want to know."  
  
She turned on the spot and walked out of the kitchen.  
  
"Asshole!" Clarke yelled, hitting Bellamy in the stomach.  
  
"What?" he asked, a goofy grin on his face.

"You know what" she said, moving away from him. She grabbed the cups and the bottle, and tried to make her way from the kitchen. But he grabbed her forearm and kept her in place. He pushed her back until she was up against the fridge and pressed his body to hers.  
  
He cupped her jaw and placed a kiss on her lips, more forceful than gentle.  
  
She stood there, clutching the items she held, taken completely by surprise. And knowing that anyone could step into the kitchen and find them only made the situation hotter.  
  
"Gonna have to be quiet tonight" he slurred, "If you're gonna have company."  
  
She watched him walk away, taking a few minutes to calm herself down before facing the others.  
  
She snuck glances at him throughout the rest of the night, thinking about what he'd said to her in the kitchen.  
  
By the end of the night, she'd reluctantly agreed to let Octavia, Jasper and Monty crash at her place too. She loved her friends, she did, but they had the worst timing. And it wasn't like she could tell them to walk home, despite the fact that they were all drunk off of their assess, because she wanted to fuck Bellamy.  
  
She sat on the couch next to Bellamy, listening her friends gush over how much they all liked both Luna and Harper. Eventually, Jasper and Monty fell asleep on the couch. Octavia and Raven lazily stumbled towards Clarke's room. The three often fell asleep on Clarke's bed, and they figured that tonight would be no exception. They didn't know about Clarke's other plans.  
  
She sighed, leaning her head onto Bellamy's shoulder. The alcohol coursing through her veins made her head feel heavy, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him on the couch. But Jasper and Monty were making that impossible.  
  
"Wanna get some fresh air?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"Sure" Clarke said, using all her strength to stand up.  
  
They closed the door behind them, walking down the steps with light laughter. They playfully teased one another on the way down, before settling on the front steps of Clarke's apartment building.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath. The weather had turned, the nights were chilly. But the fresh air helped her clear her head, and before she knew it, the uneasy feeling was back in her gut.  
  
Bellamy leaned back on his hands, staring up at the clear night sky. They couldn't see many stars, not with the street lights still burning bright.  
  
They were silent for a little while. Clarke tried to work up the courage to ask him about what had been bothering him in the past few days. But if she was going to be honest with herself, the idea scared her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know.

She considered ignoring it. Pretending like the uneasy feeling in her gut was all in her head, like she'd done before.  
  
She turned to look at him, feeling an ache in her chest. She loved him so much. Maybe even too much. She didn't like the idea that he wasn't feeling the same way.  
  
"Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Of course" he said, turning to look at her. His eyes were glassy and hooded, his cheeks were a little pink.  
  
And suddenly, Clarke found the courage to ask. It didn't matter what he said. Nothing he said could make her feelings for him any less real. Nothing he said could make her stop feeling like this about him.  
  
"What's been going on with you lately?" she asked, "You've been acting a little different."  
  
She kind of expected him to deny it, like he'd done on the drive back from Thanksgiving dinner. But he looked at her like he knew. Like he knew exactly what she was talking about. Like he couldn't hide it any longer. He sighed, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees, lacing one hand around the other. He looked at the ground.  
  
"Was-was it something I did?" she asked, still looking at him. "Did I do something?"  
  
"No" he said, still looking at the ground.  
  
"Then what is it?" she asked, "You've been acting weird ever since...ever since Saturday" she said. _Ever since we had sex. Ever since I told you that I loved you._  
  
He looked over at her and she started to worry again.  
  
"I love you" he said, "And for some reason, you seem to love me back. And you- you make me happy."  
  
She searched his eyes, feeling her heart sink.  
  
"So what's the problem?" she asked, not really wanting to know the answer.  
  
He sighed and looked away, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
"It just scares me" he finally said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because" he said, looking back at her, "Because I'm scared that I'm gonna fuck this up. I don't want to be another disappointment for you."  
  
"But you're not" she said, placing a hand on his forearm.  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Bellamy..."  
  
"I want to make you happy."  
  
"You do" she said, squeezing his arm for emphasis. "You make me happy."

"But you know me" he said, looking back at the street. "I fuck things up. And I'm just scared that one day you're gonna stop looking at me like that."  
  
"So don't fuck up" she said, scooting closer to him.  
  
"I'm trying not to" he said, "But I can't stand the thought of...of being another lesson for you."  
  
"Hey" she said, "Look at me."  
  
He turned towards her and she reached over to grab his hand.  
  
"I'm in love with you" she said, looking him right in the eye so he'd know. "But before I realized that, I loved you. I still do. And not because you're a good boyfriend. Not because you care about me. Not because you listen to the things I tell you, not because you've been there for me when I needed you. I love you. I love you for who you are, Bellamy."  
  
She took his hand between both of hers.  
  
"I love you because you're a good person. Because you're a good friend. Because you have a good heart. I love you because you care. And if for some reason this doesn't work out, I'll still love you. Nothing will change that. You're my person. You always have been."  
  
She wasn't embarrassed about her confession. She'd wanted to tell him these things even before they'd started dating.  
  
It was true, he had always been there for her. He had made her smile through her tears. He'd made her laugh when she'd had shitty days. He been the friend she needed, the lover she'd wanted. He'd cared for her and made her feel loved, long before they'd gotten together.  
  
"You're special to me" she said, running a hand down his back. "And if we're not dating a year from now, I'll still want you by my side. You're my best friend before you're anything else. And nothing you say or do can make me love you any less."  
  
He looked at her like he didn't really believe the words that had come out of her mouth. Like he couldn't believe that after everything, she loved him.  
  
So she leaned over and placed her palm against his cheek.  
  
"You and I..." she began, "We're gonna be okay. Always."  
  
She leaned her forehead onto his and closed her eyes, knowing that she meant every word she'd said. Even if they stopped dating, she couldn't imagine a future for her that didn't include him.  
  
She opened her eyes and found herself looking directly into his. And he was looking at her like he loved her, like he'd been looking at her all this time. Like he'd been waiting for her to finally open her eyes and see him.  
  
"Alright" he said.  
  
And just like that, the uneasy feeling left her chest.  
  
She pulled away and leaned into him. He pulled her closer and slung his arm over her shoulder.

"I'm in love with you, too" he said.

"I know."

 _Yeah,_ she thought, _we're gonna be okay._

* * *

  
Saturday afternoon, Clarke lazily traced shapes onto Bellamy's back, making lines from freckle to freckle. Covering his bare back with squares and triangles and constellations.  
  
"I guess we should get ready" she sighed.  
  
After a long and greasy breakfast, her friends had finally left. Bellamy made an excuse to stay, and as soon as the door closed behind her friends, she'd crawled into his lap.  
  
They were finally alone, after the conversation they'd had the night before. They made out on the couch for about an hour, before jumping into the shower together. They argued about the temperature of the water. Bellamy claimed that she wasn't normal. That no one in their right mind would ever want to shower with water that hot. She reluctantly settled for a cooler setting. But her teeth chattered the entire time and she glared at the smug look on his face.  
  
But he only smiled, lathering shampoo into her hair and waiting until it was all gone to tell her it was okay to open her eyes. She dried the spot he couldn't reach on his back. And then she led him to the couch and gave him a long blowjob that he seemed to enjoy.  
  
They cooked an early dinner in their underwear and argued about which movie to watch.

He helped her clean her apartment. He took out the trash while she changed her sheets and started a new load of laundry.  
  
Afterwards, they went to her room and he fucked her nice and slow.  
  
He sighed and closed the book he'd been reading.  
  
"Should we tell them?" she asked, reluctantly pulling on a pair of jeans. Their friends were expecting them at The Ark tonight. But they didn't really feel like going. She wanted to stay home and spend the night in bed with him. Classes were starting back up on Monday. She wanted to relax. And fuck him a few more times.  
  
"If you want to" he said, looking around the room in search of his clothes.  
  
"How do we even tell them, though?" she asked, pulling on a long sleeved t-shirt. "Like, where do we even start? ' _Hey, guys, Bellamy and I are a thing now. We've been hiding it from you for a couple of months'_ just doesn't seem like it'd go over to well?"  
  
He laughed, pulling his own jeans back on.  
  
"Tell them whatever you want to tell them" he said.  
  
"Hey, this isn't just on me. It was your idea. Maybe I should lead with that?"  
  
"So you're just gonna throw me under the bus?" he asked, walking up behind her.  
  
"Well, it was" she said, shrugging a little.  
  
"You agreed to it" he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. "And it's been so much fun, sneaking around behind their backs."  
  
She thought about the night before, when they'd lazily made their way back up to her apartment. How he'd pushed her into the bathroom and fucked her on the sink. How he'd placed a hand over her mouth to keep her quiet.  
  
"It has" she said, feeling her face growing hot.  
  
"It's up to you" he says, moving her hair out of the way so that he could kiss at her neck.  
  
"Maybe-maybe we can tell them in a few weeks" she said, leaning back into him.  
  
"Mhm" he mumbled against her neck, his hands moving to her zipper.

* * *

 

Clarke stumbled home shortly after midnight, with one arm slung across Raven's shoulder. Bellamy and Octavia walked beside them, all heading back to Clarke's apartment for another sleep over. Raven was drunk, and Lincoln was working all night so Octavia didn't feel like spending the night alone. Bellamy claimed to be drunk, too.  
  
They laughed and talked about the dreaded return of class on the way home. Once inside, Raven said that she couldn't sleep. She asked Octavia to stay up and watch a movie with her.  
  
"You guys should just go to bed" Raven said, settling down on the couch. "Octavia and I will sleep out here."  
  
Octavia shrugged, laying down on the couch with a bag of chips on her stomach.  
  
"Okay" Clarke said, feeling a little suspicious.  
  
Just before she closed the door on the two girls, Raven smirked at her.  
  
"Shit" Clarke said, taking her clothes off. "I think Raven knows."  
  
She got underneath the covers in an old pair of sweatpants and one of his t-shirts, feeling drunk and happy. He turned the lights off and crawled in next to her in nothing but his boxers.  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
"She just smirked at me" Clarke said, turning on her side. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.  
  
"She smirked at you?"  
  
"Yeah, like a _I totally know you're screwing_ kind of smirk?" Clarke whispered.  
  
Bellamy laughed, nuzzling his face into her neck.  
  
Clarke yawned, feeling the alcohol making her eyes droop.  
  
"Goodnight Bellamy" she said, pacing her hand over his.  
  
"Goodnight princess" he said.  
  
_Princess._  
  
He'd called her that for months, back when they had hated each other. He'd called her that the first night they meant. And he hadn't used it as an endearing term, either.  
  
But hearing the nickname now, with no agitation or venom behind it, made her smile. She thought about how much things had changed between them.  
  
"Do you remember it?" she asked, half-asleep.  
  
"What?" he mumbled from behind her, sounding like he was half-asleep, too.  
  
"The night we met?" she whispered.

 _Clarke stepped into the house. Smoke hung heavy in the air. Chatter and music made the room too loud for her liking._  
  
_Octavia grabbed her by the hand and led her through the house, telling Clarke about how it was totally okay for her to be here._  
  
_Octavia was the first friend she had made at her new school. And after weeks of friendship, Octavia had asked her to come over for a sleepover. And once her mother had dropped her off with a happy smile, Octavia told Clarke about the party a few houses down from her own. That it was where they were headed. That she wanted Clarke to meet her other friends._  
  
_Clarke happily agreed. She'd made a good friend, and she was headed to her very first house party. Her life in Arkadia was starting to look better and better._  
  
_They pushed through the crowd and made their way into the kitchen. Octavia easily navigated around the kitchen, like she'd been there before, and made them drinks. She handed Clarke a plastic red cup and bumped her own against it._  
  
_"Bottoms up" she said, bring the cup to her lips._  
  
_Clarke took a sip from her cup, choking a little when the alcohol made her throat burn._  
  
_She tried to keep her face impassive. She didn't want anyone, not even Octavia, to know that she'd never tried alcohol. That she'd never been invited to a party. That she'd barely had any friends._  
  
_She looked around the kitchen, finding familiar faces around her. She recognized some of the people from her school, some her age and some older. She noticed a group of friends crowded around the small kitchen table on the other side of the room._  
  
_They were a mixed bunch. A pretty girl and some boys. Some of them were older. They were having a big group discussion about something, smiling and laughing with one another._  
  
_She watched them, longing to be a part of something like that. She had Octavia, of course. But she wanted to be like them. She wanted her own group of friends._  
  
_She noticed a particularly handsome guy at the very center of the group._  
  
_He was older. She was pretty sure that she'd never seen him before. He looked too old to be in high school, anyway.  
_  
_Clarke continue to stare. He had beautiful brown skin. Short, curly dark hair. He had a serious look on his face and she wondered what he'd look like if he smiled._  
  
_Suddenly, he looked right at her._  
  
_She felt too mesmerized to look away. And by the time that she realized he'd caught her staring, he had turned his attention to Octavia._  
  
_Clarke was just about to lean over and ask Octavia if she knew the guy, when Octavia grabbed her by the hand and led her towards the group on the other side._  
  
_"Come on" she said, "I want you to meet my friends."_  
  
_They stopped at the edge of the group and Clarke awkwardly shifted from one leg to the other, trying not to look at the guy she'd noticed._  
  
_"Hey guys" Octavia said, "This is Clarke."_  
  
_Clarke smiled, looking around the group._  
  
_"Clarke, you know Jasper and Monty" Octavia said, nodding towards the two boys. "This is Raven, Miller, Murphy and Brian" she said, pointing around the group. "And this" she said, pointing to the guy Clarke had stared at, "Is my big brother, Bellamy."_  
  
_"That better be water in your cup" Bellamy said, rising to his feet._  
  
_Clarke looked up at him, feeling herself blush. Of course Octavia's brother would be just as attractive as Octavia was._  
  
_"It's water" Octavia said, a smile playing at her lips. "Mostly."_  
  
_Bellamy shook his head at his little sister before turning to look at Clarke._  
  
_"So this is Clarke" he said, glancing at her. "Nice to finally meet you, princess."_  
  
_A few people snickered and Clarke looked around, wondering what they were laughing about._  
  
_"Shut up, Bellamy" Octavia said._  
  
_Bellamy smirked at Clarke before turning away._  
  
_Clarke couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious. And a little angry. What the hell was he trying to say?_  
  
_But the anger quickly faded, once a few of the people in the group started talking to her._  
  
_The night went on and Clarke drank a little, laughed a little more and found herself feeling accepted by the group of strangers. At some point, Octavia disappeared and Clarke went in search of her._

  
_After not being able to find her inside of the house, she stepped out onto the back porch. She spotted a group of people but Octavia wasn't with them. She looked to the side and saw Bellamy leaning against the wall.  
_  
_She didn't feel like talking to him, especially since she was pretty sure that he'd insulted her with the princess comment. But Octavia had told her about him. About how great he was. Even if he was a little over-protective sometimes. She figured that he had to know where Octavia was.  
_  
_She walked towards him and he looked up, looking at her once before turning away.  
_  
_"Hey" she said, stopping when she was a couple of inches away from him. She leaned against the wall and looked over at him. "Have you seen Octavia?"_  
_  
He nodded to the right and Clarke looked past him, spotting Octavia talking to some boy. They were leaning against the fence, their backs turned to Bellamy.  
_  
_"So you're just watching her?"  
_  
_"Just making sure he doesn't do something stupid" Bellamy said, "Like try to kiss my 15 year old sister."  
_  
_Clarke laughed despite herself.  
_  
_Bellamy reached into his back pocket and pulled out a cigarette. Clarke watched as he brought it to his lips and lit it, taking a long drag.  
_  
_"You know that's toxic, right?"  
_  
_He looked over at her, an amused look on his face. He didn't say anything in response. Instead, he took another drag.  
_  
_He blew the smoke in her face.  
_  
_"Everything's toxic. Enjoy the little things, princess" he said, smirking at her.  
_  
_Clarke glared at him.  
_  
_"I don't think lung cancer qualifies as one of the 'little things'" she said.  
_  
_"Maybe not" he said, shrugging. "But neither does liver failure" he said, nodding towards the cup in her hands._  
_  
"One drink won't kill me" she countered.  
_  
_"Neither will one cigarette" he said. "Besides, everyone dies. You know that right?"  
_  
_She studied him. She wasn't sure where the loving, kind, amazing brother that Octavia had told her about was. Maybe she had another. Because this guy was a total fucking asshole._

"Yeah" Bellamy mumbled, "I remember. We really hit it off that night."

"We talked about death?"

"Exactly."  
  
"You were a real dick" she said, smiling at the memory.  
  
"And you were a pain in the ass" he said, "But things change."  
  
"Hey, you're still a dick sometimes" she teased.  
  
"And you're still a pain in the ass" he teased back, "Sometimes."  
  
"But you love me anyway?"  
  
"But I love you, anyway."  
  
She fell asleep with the smile still on her lips.

* * *

Clarke sighed in frustration.  
  
"Bellamy, I swear to fucking God if you burn those cookies-"  
  
"It says 15 _to_ 20 minutes" he yelled from the kitchen, "And no one likes mushy cookies."  
  
"Speak for yourself" Jasper yelled back.  
  
"Clarke, it’s Christmas Eve" Octavia said, "I don't think you're supposed to say things like _'I swear to fucking God'_ tonight."  
  
"She doesn't even believe in God" Bellamy said, joining the rest of the group gathered in Clarke's living room.  
  
"No" Clarke said, "But I do believe in traditions. And that includes gingerbread cookies. Ones that _aren't_ burnt" she said, narrowing her eyes at Bellamy.  
  
"Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking lose it if you don't-"  
  
"Well you burned the last batch!" she yelled.  
  
"That was an accident-"  
  
"Holy shit, are they always like this?" Luna asked.  
  
"Yes" Raven said, "You'll get used to it."  
  
"I'm going to check on them" Clarke said, rising to her feet.  
  
Bellamy followed after her.  
  
She opened the oven, peeking at the little man-like shapes they had made from the cookie dough.

"And?" he asked, once she closed the oven.  
  
"They look okay" she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I guess."  
  
He moved towards her and she backed up.  
  
"I-I apologize" she said, feeling the wall behind her. "I shouldn't have second guessed your judgement. I'm just hungry, and you know how I mean I get when I'm hungry. I get _hangry_."  
  
"Oh trust me" he said, "I know."  
  
He placed his hands on her hips, keeping her pinned to the wall.  
  
"Do you accept my apology?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his neck.  
  
"I'll think about it" he said, pressing closer to her.  
  
"I can always make it up to you" she said.  
  
"What happened to 'no cookies, no sex'?"  
  
"I've reconsidered" she said, feeling his hands snaking into her shirt.  
  
He smiled down at her and she pulled him closer, taking his bottom lip between her teeth, pushing her tongue into his mouth.  
  
"Uh, hello."  
  
They jumped apart and found Raven standing on the other side of the kitchen.  
  
"It's Christmas Eve and we're all in the living room" she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "What are you, animals?"  
  
Clarke felt her cheeks flame and Bellamy suddenly busied himself, pulling the cookies out from the oven.  
  
"Those better not be burnt, Blake" Raven said, turning around and walking back to the living room.  
  
Clarke giggled, helping Bellamy place the cookies onto two plates.  
  
After trading a few more secret kisses, they made their way back to the living room. Clarke had thrown a small Christmas Eve get together for her friends. They'd sat around, watching Christmas movies all day. They surprised one another with presents. They made a big dinner and drank too much wine.  
  
She settled on the floor, glancing around the room. All of her best friends were with her. She caught Bellamy's eye and smiled brightly. He smiled back, looking as happy as she felt.  
  
She'd never thought her life was perfect. But hell, it sure was close.

* * *

 

The music was making the walls of the apartment shake. Bodies were clustered around the crowded living room, some dancing, some standing around talking to their friends.  
  
Clarke looked around, spotting her group of friends in the very center, crowded around the couch and coffee table.  
  
"Here you go" she said, handing Raven a cup.  
  
"Thanks" she said, accepting it. "One minute to go, people!"  
  
Bellamy had thrown a small party at his apartment for New Year’s Eve. And it was almost midnight.  
  
Clarke stood beside Raven, watching Bellamy talk to Luna and Octavia across the room.  
  
"I think I'm gonna throw up" Raven said, bringing the cup to her lips and draining it in one go.  
  
"I think you should go for it" Clarke said.  
  
Raven was a nervous mess. She'd been seeing Luna for weeks now. But they hadn't kissed. And it was almost midnight.  
  
"I think I will" Raven said, handing the cup to a drunk Jasper.  
  
She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts.  
  
"I'm gonna do it" she said, shaking her hands and looking across the room. "I'm gonna kiss her at midnight."  
  
"You should" Clarke said, smiling at her friend.  
  
Clarke looked up, studying Bellamy from afar.  
  
Raven stepped away. But then she stopped in her tracks and turned back around to look at Clarke.  
  
"You should do it too" she said, "Go for it, I mean."  
  
"I don't know" Clarke said, "Wouldn't that freak Luna out? Both of us trying to kiss her?"  
  
"I meant Bellamy and you know it" Raven said, "You beautiful, love-struck idiot."  
  
Clarke smiled at her friend and looked across the room.  
  
Bellamy was staring at her.  
  
Suddenly the people around her began to chant.  
  
_Ten! Nine! Eight!_  
  
Everyone was here. They'd all see it. But it was New Year’s Eve. And he was looking at her. And she loved him so goddamn much.  
  
_Seven! Six! Five!_  
  
She set her cup down and strode across the room, hearing but not noticing the people around her. All she could see was him and that beautiful smile that she knew was only meant for her.  
  
_Four! Three! Two!_  
  
He met her halfway.  
  
They stood in the center of a crowded room, staring at one another.  
  
_One!_  
  
Bellamy closed the distance between them. He placed a hand on the back of her neck. And then he leaned down and kissed her.  
  
The room erupted in cheers, people were yelling _Happy New Year_ all around them. But Clarke closed her eyes and kissed him back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him as close as possible.  
  
She pulled away, aware of all the eyes on them.  
  
"You are mine" she said, looking up at him. "And I am yours. And if we die, we die. But first, we'll live."  
  
"Are you seriously quoting Game of Thrones right now?"  
  
"Maybe" she said, smiling at him.  
  
"Fuck," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I love you so much, Clarke Griffin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Fangirl with me on Tumblr! and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com
> 
> May we meet again <3


End file.
